I’ve been reading testimonials on social media lately about well known people and their experiences with pornography. I’ve considered writing about my thoughts on pornography in the past but I chickened out because I was ashamed to admit that I ever indulged in on line erotica. I’m still ashamed that I ever used pornography but I feel that shame binds people into keeping secrets which only exacerbates problems that can be overcome.
I am a single woman that is not a virgin but has been celibate for an extended period of time. One day several years ago it occurred to me that I really didn’t remember what sex was like. This made me feel deprived, sad and out of touch with other adult people. I was stupid for feeling that way because I was actually blessed. I had returned to an innocence that I had lost but I didn’t appreciate that at the time.
One night I typed the word horny into the search engine on my computer and I came in contact with internet pornography. It was not the first time I had seen pornography. When I was a child growing up I use to see my copies of Playboy at my dad’s house. I also saw a copy of Penthouse at my aunt’s house when I was young. It was the issue that featured the disgraced Miss America Vanessa Williams. I remember those images vividly. I was about eight years old. I’ve also seen soft core porn on HBO late at night and I saw an erotic movie at a friend’s house when I was a teenager on a VHS tape.
The first thing that struck me about internet porn was the sheer volume of it. You will never get to the bottom of the porn pit on the internet. I was not initially aroused or appalled. I was mostly just enthralled and shocked by it. It was fascinating. I couldn’t believe that so many people were willing to perform these acts in front of a camera. I had no idea that people behaved this way. I had one hundred questions for the people in the videos.
Watching porn became a habit over a three year or so period. I didn’t watch it every day. My visits to porn sites were sometimes quite infrequent. I would become aroused and experiment with masturbation. I told myself that I was preparing myself for my future spouse. I told myself that I was practicing safe sex. I told myself that I was learning about my own body. I no longer think this way. Even if these statements were true I was selfishly taking advantage of other people that are probably disadvantaged in some way for my own benefit.
The more I watched porn the more I questioned why I did it. Honestly, it is very corny and not sexy at all. It’s not really sexy because porn is purely sex. Porn films have nothing to do with flirtation or chemistry. There is no story to be told about two humans connecting and nurturing a relationship. It’s just sex. It’s just two people fucking like animals. After a while porn wasn’t even arousing anymore.
Before I began experimenting with pornography I really had no problem with it. I thought that it could be useful for people that did not have a sexual partner, or people that were incarcerated or unable to have sex for whatever reason. But as I watched porn I realized how degrading and sometimes violent it was towards women. I’ve seen porn videos where the women were clearly drunk or high. Perhaps that what they needed to do in order to perform.
I don’t consider myself to be a feminist but I am in favor of women having equal opportunities and respect. I couldn’t in good conscious continue to watch pornography and consider myself to be an encourager of women. I also didn’t feel like I could call myself a follower of Christ and continue to use pornography. I can’t find a scripture that directly speaks against masturbation or being a passive viewer of immorality but I’m pretty confident that it is not in God’s will for us to spend our time watching strangers have sex like stray cats.
I wrote a blog posting in the past about the benefits of being a Christian. A benefit that I didn’t mention about the Christian life is that if you believe that the Bible is the absolute word of God you have an unwavering standard about what is right and what is wrong. If a Christian takes a wrong turn in life they have a road map on how to get back on track. It is such a blessing to have an absolute like the word of God in your life.
Breaking my porn habit is probably similar to what smokers go through when they try to quit. I had to pray my way through it and ask for strength and forgiveness. I would go long periods of time without watching porn and then something would inspire me to watch it again. I had to repeat the steps of asking for strength and forgiveness. I saw a public service announcement once that told smokers to never quit quitting. I had quit watching porn several times.
My experience with porn showed me that porn is degrading to women. It is not about enjoying sex at all. Most of it is based on domination and humiliation. Women are almost always placed in a subservient position in XXX films. Porn is not empowering or liberating to women in any way. It is the exact opposite. I have no research to substantiate but I have a strong feeling that the availability and heavy usage of pornography is responsible for the aggressive attitude that American culture has toward women.
I became involved with pornography out of loneliness. I was longing for intimacy and I tried to use masturbation and sexually charged images as a substitute. It didn’t work. I wasted a great deal of time and nearly destroyed a computer because I exposed it to a virus through a porn site. Pornography is degrading to women and men and it reduces human beings to our most primal instincts. Those primal instincts are not what make humans great. Our minds and our souls are what make us different from other life forms. Pornography does not explore the mind or the soul.
Once the initial shock and awe of pornography wears off you see that it’s not even sexy. It’s very corny and unrealistic. There is no way in the hell I would do most of that shit. Pornography has absolutely no redeeming value for any man or woman. I’m glad that I know the Lord and His standards. Once again God’s standards saved and the Holy Spirit guided me to a more righteous path
6 thoughts on “My XXX Experience – Shannon in Kansas City”
You were speaking my heart and my mind on this.
I’m a black female and I’ve been dealing with the same struggles.I’m still being tempted to this day and trying to find a way to deal.
I’m the one who has 100 questions that I’d love to ask you right now.
If you’d like to exchange experiences I’ve left you my email.
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I didn’t receive an e mail. Why don’t you ask a few of your questions here?
I won’t put all of the details of my sex life or lack thereof on WordPress. I will say that I wanted to commit to Christ and His word. As far as temptation is concerned I’m not very tempted by many men in my area. I’ve had unfulfilling relationships with men before and I decided years ago that the next time I get in a relationship I want things to be different. I feel like the best way to do that is by doing things God’s way instead of my way. I am still celibate. I won’t say for how long because even I think it is weird. I’m unsure what I found arousing about porn. The sex in those films happens with little to no context so it is all so it is very animal like.
I’m so feeling you, being taken advantage of when you trust someone is one of the shittiest feelings. Don’t blame yourself though. It wasn’t your fault. I’ve been down that road. Niggas can be damn good liars and that’s why God wants us to approach things that way. So we won’t het hurt. I’ve had to learn that the hard way too.
The worst kinda men are the ones that can’t accept a “No”. Some got so aggravated they scared the hell outta me. I thought some of them were gonna hit me when I told them I didn’t wanna have sex.
I don’t understand why you hear about sexless marriages either. I’ve been asking myself that question before. One reason I could see being responsible for that is that some ppl just don’t wanna be alone so they take sb but they don’t fall in love or connect. They enter a relationship for the wrong reasons. That never lasts I think and it may result in a sexless unhappy marriage. I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone else.
I do think that withholding sex at least until you’re engaged and moving in together benefits marriage. It puts the most important thing at the top, you should find love and connect with another human on another level and base everything on that not on sex bc basing it on sex alone won’t make for a happy marriage. You should know your partner inside out and it’s so fulfilling to fully love sb before they even entered you. That’s when you know you really love them and you not just attached to them bc of the sex. I feel that way bc sex had made things complicated and confused in the past as well. I know a lotta women just give it up but from the ones I know a lot result in basing relationships on the wrong things and marriages not lasting bc they often don’t even really know each other. I, for my part have had weak periods where I’ve given it up too easily or where I just felt the need for it but I regretted it later. I wanna withhold it at least until you move together. I think that would benefit marriage already. Once I live with the dude it’s hard for me to withhold it. I think God may find that ok as long as you’ve waited long enough and y’all really love each other.
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Dear Shannon, could you do me a favor and delete my one comment that publicly displays my email address. Just that one. That would be awesome. Thank you so much in advance.
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