Ask 1000 Questions (The Right Questions)

Over the weekend I read the advice column Ask E. in “Elle” magazine.  A young woman said that she was gradually ghosted by a man that she dated for around a month.  He told her that she was not marriage material.  The man is long gone but she still feels bad about what he told her.  Her letter to “Elle” reminded me of a video that I saw on Facebook years ago.

Creflo Dollar is right.  When you meet someone new be sure to ask 1,000 questions at the beginning of the relationship.  And be prepared to answer questions.  If your suitor isn’t asking much about your motivations or background they probably have shallow reasons for wanting to date you.

Ask the right questions.  I think that it is important to find out a person’s motivations for dating.  Women make the mistake of thinking that men are motivated by the same things as them.  Women are motivated to find long term relationships.  Men are motivated to find short term no strings attached sex.

Men are great at wasting time and they have no problem starting a relationship with a woman and faking a courtship in order to get sex until he finds a woman that he really wants for a commitment.  It’s one of the biggest scams of the modern age.  The fake relationship may last a night, month or a decade.  Fake relationships have started entire families.  It all seems like a waste of time and energy to me but it’s the way that many men operate.

The woman that wrote to Ask E. didn’t say whether she became intimate with the man.  A woman can be ghosted if she refuses to have sex right away or if she has sex and he decides he’s ready to move along.  If the man thought she was “wife material” it wouldn’t have mattered.  He would have remained in her life without judgement.  Men marry promiscuous women all the time.  If he likes her he likes her and that’s all she wrote.

So like Creflo Dollar said don’t be afraid to ask 1,000 questions.  Don’t start a relationship with a bunch of small talk, banter and meaningless compliments.  You already know you’re pretty.  A man shouldn’t have a problem stating his true intentions even if he only wants casual sex.  Perhaps the young lady is interested in that too.  That sounds like an equally yoked couple to me.

If a man is looking for a long term commitment he shouldn’t be afraid to state his objective.  He should also be able to say why he is attracted to you and why he thinks you might be a good life partner.  Ask the specifics at the beginning.  Now I know people lie and there is nothing you can do about that.  Just make sure the actions match the words over an extended period of time.

menace ii society

If you open the dialogue it should at least be interesting to see what he has to say.  You know how you get asked weird, vague questions in job interviews.  I heard a hiring manager say once that they just want to see how you will respond.  The answer itself isn’t as important.  The idea is to get the candidate to talk so you can see what is on their mind.

If you are ghosted immediately that’s probably what he would have done at some point anyway.  Trash takes itself out.  Get the truth out on the table and find out where the man’s head is before you invest your heart and time.

People are savage out here and there is no honor.  People act out of selfishness and don’t really care if they hurt someone.  They just think that the person that they took advantage of shouldn’t have been such a sucker.  Unfortunately dating is almost like Spy Vs. Spy and the most cunning and suspicious person wins.  I’m not exactly sure what the prize is.  Waiting to get stabbed in the back doesn’t seem like a start to a great romance to me.

spy versus spy

Ask 1,000 questions towards the beginning of a relationship.  It might be a good idea to ask the first one or two hundred before the first date.  And ask questions that are specific to you to see if he sees you as merely a place holder until he runs across someone he deems as wife material.  Heck, ask him what he considers wife material and if you fit into his mold.  I think that you have more to gain than you have to lose.

And please don’t go over his house unless you simply want to get laid.  That’s a real crap shoot and a lot can go wrong for women if you do that.  After sex women esteem men more and I think that men esteem women less.  If you care what he thinks you’re better off to keep the relationship in public spaces for a while.  The truth will come out eventually.

Educated Women in Bikinis

I enjoy beauty pageants.  I have been watching them for as long as I remember.  They are the stuff that dreams are made of.  Who wouldn’t like to be named the prettiest woman in the state or country and given a crown and roses?  If everyone was honest we would all admit that we would all enjoy that validation.

I value pageants because they are a conspicuous display of hyper femininity.  I’m all for it and I hope they never change.  I don’t think that women get very many opportunities to be in the spotlight and pageants give them a platform.  Miss America and Miss USA are the two biggest pageants that come to my mind and they are distinct brands.  Miss USA contestants are the girls that boys liked in school and Miss America contestants are the pretty girls that teachers liked in school.  Both are great.

Recently a representative for the Miss America pageant remarked that “Educated women don’t parade around in swimsuits”.  That quote is actually part of a sentence and the remark was taken out of context but nonetheless I will share my thoughts on the controversy not the comment itself.

I found this remark to be a bit hypocritical since the Miss America pageant only recently took the swimsuit competition out of their pageant.  But my real concern is the contestants of the Miss USA pageant that got all up in their feelings because they are personally offended by Miss America’s quote.  Miss USA which feeds into the Miss Universe competition still have swimsuit competitions.

I follow pageant fan pages and several beauty queens on IG.  A lot of the Miss USA title holders have posted messages of themselves in bikinis and listed their academic accomplishments.  They posted long IG rants about how the Miss America Organization’s notion about educated women in bikinis is dated, sexist and hostile towards women.  The Miss America organization is absolutely right.

I agree that a woman can be smart and sexy.  A woman can be flirtatious and competent.  It’s unfortunate that the world sees women in a one dimensional way but feminism has not changed that.  Feminism is making things worse because much of their focus in on looks and sexuality.

Here’s the hypocrisy of Miss USA and Miss Universe contestants.  Most of these women are absolutely brilliant.  Many of them have impressive careers, educational backgrounds and compelling backstories.  But most of the ones that I’ve heard about after their reign has ended go into entertainment or they marry a wealthy man.  I think that marrying well is the real end game for women in the Miss USA/Miss Universe pageant system.

There is nothing wrong with any of that but they got their new opportunities because they look good in a bikini not because they studied hard in school.  Miss USA contestants are smart enough to know this and they are bluffing the world with politically correct feminist rhetoric that sets other women up for failure.  I think that this is the case for feminism in general.  Sorry but women in most day to day situations can not present themselves as sex objects and be taken seriously as intellectuals.  For some reason the bikini cancels out the intellect.

Feminism tries to have it both ways.  They want to tell women that they can be taken seriously as a woman in a bikini.  That simply isn’t true unless you are a swim suit model or perhaps an Olympic swimmer.  If you disagree imagine wearing a bathing suit to a job interview.  Even if you are applying to be a lifeguard that wouldn’t go over well.

I think women should use all of the tools at their disposal to open as many doors as possible including sex appeal.  But women need to be realistic about the way women are pigeonholed.  Feminism isn’t changing the way women are perceived when they put forth sexualized images of themselves.  I think that women need to present themselves the way they want to be perceived. Consider your goal and dress the part.

If anything feminists are encouraging women to use their bodies to gain love, acceptance and opportunities instead of using their minds.  That’s why the body positivity movement is popular.  Women that don’t fit the mold of a beauty queen want to be able to feel validated for how they look too.  That’s what today’s feminism is all about.

If you want to be taken seriously as a professional dress the part for the profession you choose.  But when it’s time to party or have a day at the beach have fun with fashion and enjoy yourself.  You can’t always take yourself seriously.  There’s a time and a place for everything.

I just wish the beauty queens that protested the remark from the Miss America Organization were a little more honest and thoughtful in their responses.  They could have said I was competing to be Miss USA, not a receptionist at an accountant’s office.  There are scholarships, fame, travel, jewelry and meeting with wealthy men at stake.  I will broker world peace in a suit that grazes my knees later.

I honestly don’t know why they responded at all.  The remark from the Miss America Organization seemed pretty innocuous to me and it fits their girl next door brand.  Miss America is a non profit organization that is focused on community service.  Miss USA is more glitz and showbiz.  Fighting for your right to be seen as a professional in a bikini is not a hill I would want to die on.  That’s why I have a hard time taking feminism seriously.

 

 

Feminists like to make conversations like this a matter of sexual assault and rape.  I want to make it clear that I don’t think that sexual assault and rape has anything to do with clothing or lack thereof.  People that jump from a statement of dressing for respect to sexual violation are trying to silence opposing thoughts with emotional blackmail.

 

 

 

Hot Girl Summer: “Believe It”

Summer 2019 is behind us and you know what, I didn’t do a darn thing. I didn’t visit one beach, pool or amusement park this year. My “Hot Girl Summer” consisted of going to work, going to church going to brunch a few times. All of my adventures and drama came from reading. That’s a good and bad thing at the same time. Ice could have been covering the ground and it would not have made much of a difference to me. I’m going to share and review what I read this summer.

My last Hot Girl Summer book review is “Believe It” by NFL quarterback Nick Foles.  I ran across this book while I was working my part time library job.  My first reaction to the book was I couldn’t imagine anything more boring than an autobiography of Nick Foles.

believe it

But then I remembered his practical and heartfelt MVP speech after winning Superbowl LII.  It touched my heart.  A lot of the victory speeches that people give at events such as the Oscars are sugary sweet nonsense that sets people up for failure.  I don’t believe that most celebrities tell the entire truth about how they become successful.

I checked “Believe It” out and indeed some parts were boring but overall I enjoyed the book.  I am not an Eagles fan so I skipped over the parts of the book where Nick Foles detailed the Playoff season.  I remember that Playoff season but I am not an Eagles fan and I was following other teams.  All of the teams that I cared about had been eliminated by the end so I gave my support to the Eagles simply because they were playing the heavily favored Patriots which get on my nerves along with most of the rest of America.

In case you don’t know here is the backstory.  Nick Foles is the NFL quarterback that led the Philadelphia Eagles to their first Superbowl victory in 2018.  Nick was a back up quarterback at the beginning of the season to Carson Wentz who was sensational.  Carson Wentz got hurt at the end of the regular season and couldn’t continue to play.  Nick had to step in at a critical juncture of the season and not let his team mates and the city of Philadelphia down.

Nick Foles is kind of like a live action version of Charlie Brown that won the Superbowl.  His life isn’t very dramatic but nothing came easy for him.  He was picked 88th in the NFL draft.  I didn’t realize the numbers went that high.  He played second string to superstar quarterbacks Mike Vick and Carson Wentz.  He also played back up to one of my favs Alex Smith.

charlie brown and lucy

He was a starting quarterback on the St. Louis Rams which was a struggling franchise at the time.  He was in that lead position briefly and was fired.  After his winning Superbowl season Nick played with the Eagles briefly and then became a free agent.  He started the current NFL season as the starting quarterback for the Jacksonville Jaguars but his collarbone was broken in the first game against my Kansas City Chiefs.

Nick told other anecdotes of being awkward and things just not going quite right.  I think many of us can relate to this book even if we are not athletic or particularly competitive.  Prior to the Superbowl reporters covering the event confused Nick with a different player.  That’s easy to believe because he is a pretty plain looking guy.

nick foles

He went into a restaurant in Philadelphia and went unnoticed by fans that loudly expressed their lack of faith that Nick could bring the championship home.  The woman that he fell in love with on sight and later married was dating someone else when they first met.  The proposal that he planned was a comedy of errors.  A lot of celebrities try to be relatable and it comes across as very phony and condescending.  But I think everyone can gain something from Nick’s encouraging MVP speech.  Please watch.

 

I recommend “Believe It” even if you don’t enjoy football.  I enjoy the game and I skipped parts of it because I still interested in the Eagles Superbowl run and I don’t need to read about it in detail.  But Nick is a likeable and sympathetic character.  Everyone loves an underdog and he was the lead underdog on a team of underdogs.  It would be hard not to like “Believe It”.

 

Traditional Black Womanhood

Traditional Black womanhood is having a hard time in 2019.  It is having a hard time being heard, respected and taken seriously by anyone, even or I should say especially by other Black women.  It seems that anytime a Black woman speaks from a traditional point of view (I’m not talking politics) she is often mocked and put down.

Fantasia Barino, Gabrielle Douglas and Nicki Minaj have all made traditional remarks about womanhood over the last few years and have all faced criticism and mockery for it.  There is irony in all of the statements made by these well known women however it doesn’t necessarily make the viewpoints invalid and I don’t understand the so called backlash for their remarks.

Fantasia Barino of American Idol fame set off a poop storm this week when she said she follows her husband’s lead.  Her husband chimed into the on line discussion and he made a lot of good points about male leadership in a family.  They made sense and I think this couple is correct in their point of view.

But Fantasia’s public statement upset feminists for some reason that I don’t understand.  Some critics said that Fantasia was being arrogant and looking down on unmarried women.  But we’ve known Fantasia a long time now and she’s never been condescending or pretentious so I don’t think that judgement is fair.

Some of the disagreement stems from the fact that Fantasia makes way more money than her husband.  The pundits have a point there.  Oh and he’s a felon that she married after three weeks.  Fantasia’s marriage definitely raises some eyebrows but I still agree with her opinions about heterosexual, traditional marriages.  Even if I didn’t agree with Fantasia and her husband I would just excuse it as a difference of opinion.  But the feminists are angry this week at the thought of submitting to a man that they chose to marry.  I don’t get it.

Olympic gold medalist Gabrielle Douglass made a tweet a few years back saying that women should dress modestly.  Twitter erupted into a fury.  Gabrielle was maligned for this statement.  The feminists mocked her religious background and of course they brought up sexual assault.  The Twitter mob insulted Gabrielle’s intelligence and implied that she was brainwashed and didn’t think for herself.

I’m trying to understand what’s wrong with valuing modesty.  Do we all need to seek validation by posing mostly naked on social media.  Some women think that is empowering.  I don’t but to each their own.  No one is hurt by Gabrielle Douglas wanting to wear clothes.  I understand that Gabby Douglas came to fame in a leotard in front of a global audience so it is a bit of a hoot hearing her promote modest dress.  But again, I think that she is absolutely correct.

Nicki Minaj recently decided to retire and focus on her upcoming marriage and starting a family.  I think it’s lovely.  That move made Nicki a feminist heroine to me.  I believe that a woman can have it all in her life but she probably can’t do it all at the same time the way men can.

Nicki has had a great deal of success and has made a lot of money and now she wants to place her focus on being a wife and mother.  This is another questionable relationship.  Nicki too is marrying a felon that she out earns by a mile, maybe two or three.  He wouldn’t be my choice for a mate but nonetheless he’s her man and I think it’s nice that she is making family life her priority.  I hope she gets everything she wants.

There was a lot of social media buzz surrounding Nicki’s comments.  Most of the commentary was negative but there were some congratulatory wishes.  I don’t know why anyone would have any negative feedback about a wealthy woman in her thirties pausing her career to begin a family life.  I think it would be foolish to try and balance both.

The world has a one dimensional view of Black womanhood and it is mostly negative.  The world is very comfortable with Black women spreading promiscuous and new age feminist messages but not family oriented values.  I’m not sure why that is.  I tend to believe that things we see in the media groom those that consume certain images and messages.  Certain segments of the population are being groomed for failure from the start.

Black women are seen as traditional and wholesome once they are past their prime.  I think it’s great to see young, attractive Black women expressing wholesome values while they are young.  It’s a shame that their biggest detractors seem to come from within the Black community.

 

The “NYT” Makes Me Cringe

I don’t like the New York Times.  I find a lot of the articles to be cringe worthy.  The NYT caters to a White, affluent, liberal, East coast audience that lacks self awareness.  That’s well and good but I’m not of that demographic so I don’t relate to their stories or understand their tales of woe.  A lot of the stories in the NYT come across as whiny and delusional to me.  I’ve read their stories and sarcastically mouthed the words boo freaking hoo to myself.

Last weekend I ran across an article by a man named Anthony Abraham Jack.  He is a Black man from a poor background that wrote the most cringe worthy article I’ve ever seen in the New York Times.

Mr. Jack is a Harvard Professor now so it’s safe to say he’s made it.  He wrote his article to discuss his experiences as a low income student at Amherst College, a private college in Massachusetts.  He was a poor man surrounded by affluence and privilege.

I have noticed that the American media loves a Black sob story.  They sop it up with buttered biscuits.  Even if a story doesn’t have anything to do with having an under privileged background TV producers and writers work it in to the narrative.

Instead of centering himself, his experiences and his accomplishments in this piece Mr. Jack centered his wealthier classmates by comparing himself to them.  His classmates were irrelevant to his success in school.  He had his own journey and that should have been the story.  That’s it.

I also question Anthony’s choices.  Why did he choose Amherst?  Surely, he could have gone to a state college closer to home in warm sunny Florida.  There must have been something that drew him to Amherst that made the distance from family and expense worthwhile.  He made his choice to go there and he’s a smart man who became success so why make this appeal?  He is complaining about being the underclass of a privileged class.  I don’t feel sorry for him.  Boo freaking hoo!

I would have appreciated this article more if the intended audience was low income college students.  It would be great if someone with Mr. Jack’s accomplishment’s gave helpful advice about navigating their journey to graduation day.  Instead he is making an appeal to the elite to help poor students.  He is empowering those that are already powerful and making low income students charity cases.  He’ encouraging them to walk with their heads lowered and hat in hand.

But that’s how he has been socialized.  Here is the passage in I Was a Low Income College Student.  The Classes Weren’t the Hard Part that made me blow a gasket.

NYT

Good grief, poor kids that want to go to prestigious universities are encouraged by educators to sell themselves as good candidates to schools based on sympathy and sob stories not academic merits.  That’s demeaning and those educators should be completely ashamed of himself.  They should be fired.

These students should let admissions boards know that they are competitive scholars that can win.  If their background is brought up prospective students should let universities know that they are likely to succeed because of their background, not in spite of it.  In fact, they are more likely to achieve than some of their more affluent counterparts because they are resilient and highly motivated by a desire to carve bright futures for themselves.  Perhaps that’s too much of a threat?

I grew up in a single parent home in a working or perhaps middle class neighborhood outside of Detroit, Michigan.  I have three college degrees one of which is a masters degree.  I worked while I was a student all three times I was enrolled in a university.  I didn’t have as much time or financial resources to invest in projects and materials as others may have but I never failed and I always finished what I started.

I didn’t grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth and my mother struggled financially at times but that gave me a drive and will to succeed.  I never felt sorry for myself.  I never thought I couldn’t win.  There have been many times that I thought I was the one to beat.  And it’s because I haven’t been handed anything and I’ve never seen anyone get handed anything.  I don’t envy or hold anything against people of privileged backgrounds.  I don’t count other people’s money and I make my own way.

I don’t like the New York Times.  They take too much pleasure in Black sob stories like most American media outlets.  It’s not productive or inspiring for Black people and it just gives White people a chance to feel good about themselves (and superior) by joining in on the pity.  Feeling sorry for a man like Anthony Abraham jack is degrading.  He sure doesn’t look helpless to me.  He shouldn’t be encouraging low income students to feel helpless either.  Don’t approach any situation with your head lowered and hat in hand.  If an environment requires that it may not be the right place for you.