Gratitude and appreciation is yet another modern dating scam pulled on women. Gratitude and appreciation is being used as emotional blackmail against women. It’s as if men and women think women should be grateful for any kind gesture a man offers a woman.
Kindness should be expected. Kindness from men should be the default. That’s particularly true if you’re spending time around men you know socially or romantically.
This video trended on Twitter a few weeks ago. It’s part of the reason I decided to deactivate my account. The ignorance is astounding and frustrating.
I suspect this is a made up skit that was produced and posted for engagement. That’s irrelevant because the commentary on this matter is the problem more than the video itself. In the video a woman is at a man’s house. She is upset because he has served her a steak dinner at his house but they made plans to go to the restaurant Capital Grille. This was their second date.
Much of the commentary said the woman had a bad attitude. Commenters said the man made a kind and romantic gesture by cooking dinner (I suspect it’s carry out) and surprising her. Commenters insulted the way she styled herself. Some said she should be dumped right away because she was quarrelsome.
The man lured the woman to his home under false pretenses. This is a great example of a “Bait and Swith” date. I wrote a dating scam post about “Bait and Switch” dates three and a half years ago.
The man was inconsiderate at best and sneaky and under handed at worst. He communicated poorly either unintentionally or on purpose in order to create a confusing situation he could exploit. Either way he broke her trust.
Men and women thought that she should go along with the man’s change of plans because he offered her dinner. That’s not the point at all. If the woman agreed to spend the evening in this stranger’s home she is taking a big risk. If something unfortunate happened to her during the evening many would blame her for spending time in a stranger’s apartment. The romantic gesture would be irrelevant at that point.
This is emotional blackmail. It seems that if a man make a kind and seemingly generous gesture a woman is obligated to accept and I suppose coo at his attention. Women are essentially supposed to allow themselves to be bought off at a low rate. If the woman questions the man’s intentions or rejects his offer because it made her feel uncomfortable she’s seen as unappreciative.
Romantic gestures are great. That’s what courtships and dating periods are for. Men need to understand that women are the vulnerable party between them and they should be respectful of that. Kind and sweet gestures should be exchanged between sweethearts but trust and respect is only gained through integrity, good character and time. Good communication and being considerate of your partner is key. Romantic dinners and gifts are great but building the foundation of a relationship is not a mere exchange of gifts. It’s much more mysterious and exciting than that.
American culture likes to assume the moral high ground, assign liability to others and is completely delusional. This has resulted in no liability dating. It’s a scam and women tend to be the victims. The phrase “she should have chose better” is common in social media spaces. This phrase is used to absolve men of any poor behavior during a dating or domestic relationship with a woman.
You can hear this flippant and callous phrase on line in the comment section of news stories that concern domestic violence and even women that are murdered by their dates or partners. In other words men are telling women that they should proceed with caution and interact with them at their own risk because they hold no liability. I believe that any time there is a conflict or misunderstanding all parties involved need to consider what they could have done differently. That doesn’t happen in modern dating, at least not on social media. The liability is all on the women.
Violence and murder are the extreme but the imagined No Liability clause extends to disrespect, dishonor and confusion. Many men in these times take no accountability for their actions that result in hurt feelings, disappointment or worse. It’s as if women assume all risk in relationships even if the man was not forthcoming and honest in his intentions or his feelings during the relationship.
They seek out people that will be receptive to the scam and then they say No Liability. It’s their way of maintaining the delusion that they are good, decent people worthy of respect. It’s their way to shift responsibility and hold someone else responsible for their actions. This is an example of male privilege because this sentiment is echoed so often on social media with little push back. Women even support this thinking.
I appreciate businesses that have liability clauses. It lets you know where you both stand. It also gives you the opportunity to weigh the risks. If a liability clause is necessary the risk may make the venture not worth the pursuit. I’m not interested in extreme sports where the risk is the selling point of the activity. I also think the odds are in the riders favor when it comes to things like roller coaster rides or skating rinks. But hostile attitudes towards women in America have become very common. Misogyny is part of the current American culture.
I was watching a news story on You Tube today about the arrest of three young men that are charged with first degree murder with extreme indifference. The men were throwing rocks in different locations in their metro area. One of the rocks hit a young woman’s vehicle and she died as a result.
The three young men felt like throwing rocks for fun and amusement. We don’t know if they wanted to kill anyone or not but they showed extreme indifference to the safety and well being of others. This is the way many men date in this age. The majority are interested in their gain and use a woman’s lack of awareness, naivety, innocence, foolishness, insecurity or social pressure to their advantage. They have extreme indifference to any negative consequences to her that may come from their relationship.
I’m pro patriarchy so I support male leader ship. I believe that leaders assume responsibility. Leaders provide structure and and guidance. Leaders should have a good character, integrity and high moral standards. This is what men are supposed to do in relationships. Instead men are given space to mistreat and take advantage of women and women are told it’s their fault in the aftermath. That’s not patriarch, that’s a misogynistic and destructive culture. Up front and honest communication and respect is the key.
I do believe that women need to be smart and take responsibility for themselves. Women need to value and honor themselves. Women need to protect themselves physically, emotionally and financially as a priority. Women need to decide if a man is worth the risk. Remember. You’re going to be seen as the liable, responsible party if there is a bad outcome. It’s a man’s world and their honor is protected more than yours. Choose better!
I’ve been a fan of the TV show “90 Day Fiance” since about season two. I’ve watched many couples navigate their international romances. Most of the couples are disasters and I am strongly in favor of them breaking up than I favor them remaining together. The motivations of the shows participants are questionable. The Americans are often looking for a younger, more attractive partner than they can find in the US. It’s clear that Americans like to use the immigration system and economic inequality as leverage. The foreigners often want to live a lifestyle that they believe only America can offer.
The couples are usually terribly mismatched. The cultural and religious differences cause conflict and misunderstanding. Gender roles and traditional values are obstacles to overcome in the relationships. Aside from all of that some of the shows participants are not nice people and it’s easy to see why they need to look for love in a whole new country.
But some of the couples seem to have a decent foundation for a long lasting relationship. These are my favorite couples that I think have a shot a marital success.
Alexei and Loren
Alexei and Loren met whe Loren took a birthright trip to Israel as a youngster. Alexei is from Israel and Loren lived in New York City, NY when Alexei’s fiance visa was approved. Loren quit her job in New York and the two moved in with Loren’s parents in Florida. The couple still lives in Florida and now have three children. They are considering relocating to Israel.
I like them as a pair because they are equally yolked. They have a similar cultural background. They look like they would be attracted to each other without any ulterior motives. With the exception of a few lovers quarrels, an adjustment period and Alexei getting homesick Loren and Alexei get along well.
Robert and Anny
I never would have guessed Robert and Anny would have gotten as far in their relationship as they did. Robert was a single father of several children from Florida. I think seven or so. At least one of his baby mamas and her family are problematic and confrontational. Anny is from the Dominican Republic and expected the streets of America to be paved with gold and she came to this country expecting a luxurious lifestyle. Robert is a man of modest means who lived with his young son in a humble apartment.
Anny was disappointed but she stuck with the relationship. Robert and Anny are now married and have had another baby. Unfortunately, she lost their second baby together. I liked Anny right away and have grown to like Robert. His son is darling. And Anny has a good relationship with her stepson. The pair appear on “Pillow Talk” which is a play by play of current episodes “90 Day Fiance” by past cast member. Robert and Anny seem to enjoy each others company and have a good understanding of each other.
Low andNarkyia
Lowo is a self described Nigerian Prince and Narkyia was a single mom from Alabama. This couple doesn’t receive a lot of attention from 90 Day fandom but they are married and have a daughter together and live in the US. Narkyia is active on Instagram and has documented her weightloss. She and Lowo look great. Her son is an adult now and her new baby is cute. Congratulations to the couple on everything.
There haven’t been very many Black couples on this franchise. I think there have been three. It would be interesting to me if BET or TV ONE copied the concept but focused on couples throughout the Black diaspora. I think it would be interesting to watch.
Jon and Rachel
Jon is an ex convict from England and Rachel is a single mother of two from Albuquerque, New Mexico. They met on a game app and began to communicate and fell in love. The pair is in their thirties and both have made questionable decisions. They work and are the most interesting couple on the show. I think they are well suited for each other as people. They got married in England on the show and have major obstacles to overcome. Jon’s visa application was denied because of his criminal record. Rachel shares custody of her older daughter with the girl’s father so she can’t move to England while the young girl is a minor. The husband and wife haven’t seen each other in a few years. I don’t know how they are going to maintain their relationship and get through this but I wish them well.
Omar and Avery
My favorite couple of nine seasons of “90 Day Fiance” and all the spin offs is Omar and Avery. Avery is from Ohio and Omar is from Syria. Avery converted to Islam on her own and met Omar on an Islamic dating app. Avery traveled to the middle east and married Omar in Lebanon. The couple lived in United Arab Emirates for a time. Avery is back in the US and Omar is still in the middle east.
A common story line on “90 Day Fiance” is western women with middle eastern men. These couples usually frustrate me because I thought that it was common knowledge that some religions and countries have a strict patriarchal culture and women may be asked to cover their head. It irritates me when American feminists and party girls choose to have relationships with conservative Muslim men and struggle with his expectations. Some of them claim to be ignorant of their lover’s culture but I don’t know why you wouldn’t try to learn something about your fiance’s country.
Avery already chose to follow Islam and she was looking for a man who shared her faith. She learned about the middle east and she fully embraced the culture and respected his family. I feel like she is what the show should be about. I think Avery and Omar’s relationship is a good model for what love and romance is about even if your sweetheart lives nearby. The more you have in common with your significant other the better but if you want to date be prepared to compromise and embrace new ideas.
Horrible relationships have been normalized by the media. Daytime and prime time TV, network and cable programming is filled with stories of betrayal, deceit, abuse and chaos between men and women. The dramatic and negative depiction of romantic and domestic relationships has changed how men and women interact with each other. Expectations have changed due to relationship dynamics on TV. The bar has been lowered.
Relationships are on TV are tense and dramatic in order to entice viewers. There isn’t much of a story if two people are happy, in love and get along well. No one will tune in to watch a couple share a pizza and fall asleep on the couch. As an avid trash TV watcher I know that the intrigue is the drama. So is sitting back and shaking your head at the poor choices being made.
Relationship turmoil on TV has become so normalized that I think some may look at their own relationship and think that it’s not bad because it’s not that bad. I also think many people don’t have real life examples of respectful and productive long term couples to use as role models or council. Unfortunately, the new standard seems to be that if no one has been lied to, beaten or verbally berated it’s a functioning relationship right? Wrong. A relationship can be terrible long, long before it becomes dangerous and tumultuous.
The standard for relationships needs to be high. There needs to be mutual respect, consideration for each other’s feelings, true friendship and affection. It’s also great if you’re attracted to each other. If you merely tolerate your partner or are being tolerated you are better off single. A relationship should enhance your life and bring you comfort, peace, support and joy.
There are lovers’ quarrels but constant friction means you’re not a good match. Differences should be able to be overcome through communication and compromise. If a relationship is like rolling a stone up a hill you’re likely better off and more productive as a single person.
Living in conflict and misery is not normal or healthy. Shoot for the stars instead of accepting the bare minimum. If the best thing you can say about your relationship is that the neighbors have never called the cops on you may be better off without the relationship. The bar needs to be raised across American culture. Even if ratchet TV is your guilty pleasure don’t let it set standards for your life.
Cam Newton made public statements recently that have been heavily criticized. Cam said that a woman’s purpose is to cater to her man. Fine. That’s great, especially if a woman can land a man with Cam Newton’s kind of money.
But there were some things missing from his statement. What’s missing is the man’s role. What did the man do to deserve having a woman cater to him. In the case of Cam Newton and his public relationships he didn’t seem to offer love, loyalty, devotion, respect or honor.
Cam Newton didn’t marry Kia Proctor, the mother of his first four children. They had a relationship for around five years. He didn’t marry IG model La Reina Shaw, the mother of his youngest child either. I’m unsure of the state of the relationship between La Reina and Cameron but they don’t seem to be a couple.
Kia is thirty three and an unmarried mom of five. She has a daughter from a relationship before she met Cam Newton and she has four with Cam. What did she really get from that relationship? She spent the prime years of her youth catering to Cameron and having his children.
If Cam was devoted to Kia and their family unit he would be worth catering to particularly since he’s wealthy. But that was not the case. Cam said the relationship changed over time and he became a different person over the years. It’s clear that maintaining their family unit and raising the children in a traditional home was not a priority for Cameron. I’m sure Kia catered to Cam. What did that get her?
Kia got older and preoccupied with motherhood. She was no longer the DC stripper that charmed her way into the NFL quarterback’s heart. I certainly hope she got a nice piece of property or a lump sum of money for her efforts. But she may have been able to get that without tying herself to Cameron. I’m sure Cam would be a great sugar daddy. But he doesn’t seem to be very good husband material.
La Reina seems to be a fling that resulted in a child. It’s hard to say but Cam isn’t showing any devotion and love to her either. I don’t think a man is worth catering to for an extended amount of time if he doesn’t honor and respect you. In Cam’s defense that’s probably not even what La Reina was seeking.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman catering to a man but choose one with long term potential. Otherwise you’re wasting time and energy and you’re limiting future opportunities. Kia and La Reina will have complicated families if they get married to new partners while their children are still minors. The greatest baggage of all is Cam Newton. It all sounds like a big headache to me.
Women should cater to their husbands. In order to become a husband a man needs to prove himself honorable. Women should cater to men that are loyal, loving and devoted to them and their children.
There is no reason to waste energy and time on fly by night relationships. Obviously, that’s the case even if he’s rich like Cam. Kia should have gotten some nice jewelry and and kept on stripping. La Reina should have gotten a few nice vacations and kept on IG modeling. They both would have been better off keeping Cam at a distance. If they met that rich guy they could have met a different one; one with long term potential. Women need to invest wisely.
I have experience with on line dating sites. I’ve used different dating sites over the years. I’ve written about my experiences on this blog. This post isn’t about dating and relationships. It’s about staying safe. Staying safe is your number one priority.
I enjoy observing modern American culture. Anyone that is objectively observing American culture in 2022 should come to the conclusion that America is hostile towards girls and women. The hostility manifests itself in many different ways. One of the ways animosity towards women is being expressed is through deception, manipulation, violence and homicide.
Anyone can be taken advantage of by someone using a dating app to take advantage of others. It can happen to men or women of any sexual orientation. I am writing this is written from the point of view of a heterosexual woman. I believe we are the most vulnerable.
Men who seek to hurt women are using dating websites to lure women in order to abuse and kill them. I’m not going to quote statistics. Go on You Tube and look at local news stories from across the US. Men killing women is very common. Often women are killed by men they met on a dating website.
These are strategies I used while I was using internet dating websites. This is not about victim blaming. This is about protecting yourself and avoiding people and situations that can be harmful. That is the first line of defense. There is risk that goes along with giving men access to yourself. That means there is risk involved with being alone with men.
The odds are in your favor. Most men are not murderers or rapists. But enough of them are violent sociopaths for a single woman to be concerned about her personal safety while dating. The local news across the US is filled with stories of women going on dates and being robbed, raped or murdered. You have one life and if someone hurts or kills you there is no second chance. Avoid gambling with your property, body or life. A date and chance at romance is not worth the risk.
Take Your Time
When you meet people on line take your time during the conversation stage. Be judgemental and critical. Look for signs of anger, rudeness or that he is taking direction from so called dating gurus on social media. Those people are almost always toxic.
Don’t trust men that are in a rush. Con artists want to move quickly. They want to find a victim, exploit her and drain her with speed and stealth. Time is on women’s side. Any time you think you’re ready to meet a man in person. Wait a week. Don’t be anxious. If he has genuine interest and respects women he will wait until you are comfortable.
He’s a Stranger
Even if you’ve been talking to a man for a while he is still a stranger. You don’t know him. He is not your friend. Your date is a stranger and should be treated as such. Keep him at arm’s length and don’t make yourself vulnerable right away.
Have Strict Rules for MeetingPlaces
When I was meeting online dates I chose chain restaurants. Most American chain restaurants have a similar layout. They have windows wrapped around and they are surrounded by a parking lot. The windows create potential witnesses. Park as close to the door as possible. When you pull up to the restaurant try and find a parking spot in front of a window where customers are already seated.
A first meeting with a man you met on the internet is not about being wined and dined. It’s not a matter of being impressed. It’s simply a meeting just like a job interview where both sides put in face time to see if there is further interest on both sides.
Meet During Daylight
Meet during daylight. Make sure you have enough time so that you can leave and it’s still light outside. This gives you a better chance at having a witness if a man does something psycho. It also makes the date more respectable if you can leave before the sunsets. Part company after the meal. Staying out too late makes you vulnerable. You may get more relaxed. There are more opportunities for you to be hurt. A table in a restaurant is a fairly safe space.
Don’t Drink
Don’t drink on a first on line date. I don’t care if you like to drink. You’re better off going out alone after the date and having a cocktail. Drinking will make you less inhibited and vulnerable.
Don’t Share a Car
You’ve gone out with the guy and he seems nice. Great. He’s still a stranger. He’s not your friend. He’s not your boyfriend. Wait a long time before you get in his car or let him get in yours. Use your own transportation. If you usually get around town on the bus. Stay on the bus or call a cab. Don’t make yourself vulnerable and put yourself in the semi private environment of a car.
Let Someone Know Where You Are
I understand wanting to keep your dating life private from family and friends. But let someone know who you are spending time with and where you are going. Let a co worker, out of state relative, neighbor or someone know what’s going on. Let them know why you are telling them this. It’s good to have a person that will check back with you and make sure you made it back home. If something goes wrong at least there is a liaison to communicate with the police.
Don’t Let Yourself Be Bullied
Anyone that can’t understand a woman being cautious about meeting men on line does not care about women. They are not your friend and they are either foolish or seeking to exploit you. You as a woman are the vulnerable party. Stand your ground and maintain proper boundaries. If you’re not ready to go out don’t. If something seems off block.
Don’t Go Home With Him
I don’t mean to be a prude or the fun police but take a long time before going to his house. Sex with a stranger isn’t worth the risk. There are many risks but I’m talking about the immediate risk of being robbed and or killed. You’re the vulnerable party and you are leaving a lot up to chance by putting yourself in an intimate situation with a stranger.
Have Your Own Money
I don’t believe in going Dutch but be prepared to pay your own way. Be able to pay for your own meal if things go awry. Be able to get yourself home.
Men are victimized by people they meet on dating apps too. I write from my point of view as a heterosexual woman. We are the vulnerable party and that should not be forgotten. Be smart, strategic and not too anxious. Take your time and listen to your instincts. I want to emphasize take your time. Time is on the woman’s side at this stage of the relationship.
Science is not my strong suit. But I do remember a few things from high school chemistry class. I remember doing experiments and if a chemical got contaminated the experiment was ruined and we had to start over or not get credit for the assignment. We were instructed on how not to contaminate the chemical in order to not waste time and risk failure. There were meticulous details on how to handle containers with the chemicals. Handling the chemicals and their containers was a lesson within itself.
Relationships fail because they become contaminated and later turn toxic. The contaminants are things like dishonesty, anger, mean words, disrespect and insincerity. Once a relationship is contaminated you may need to start over because it’s ruined. By starting over I mean find a new partner or be happily single. Starting over is disappointing but it’s better than trying to maintain a tainted relationship.
The best thing a new couple can do is try to keep the relationship pure by being nice, understanding, honest and having good communication. You have to handle each other with care. The extra effort is worthwhile unless you see the relationship as disposable from the start.
I remember that some experiments could be saved with another chemical that can clean contaminants. Patience, understanding and forgiveness can clean up toxins along with changed behavior. Sometimes the experiment is too far gone to be restored.
My conclusion is to keep a new relationship pure with honesty, good communication, and nice behavior. Don’t see relationships as disposable. Even if you don’t care about a relationship turning toxic because you see it as disposable you will contaminate yourself. Relationships can be detoxed with understanding and forgiveness but it’s never quite the same as it was before the toxins being introduced. Move forward with new relationships with caution. You don’t want irreparable contaminate your new pairing so you don’t have to start over with a new one or choose singleness.
There is one reason relationships fail: unmet expectations. That fact is true regardless of the type of relationship. Whether it be romantic, professional, friendship or family relationships they all end because expectations were not met . This essay is about romantic relationships. For context, this is from a heterosexual perspective. I believe that men should pursue and initiate and women set the parameters and standards for a relationship.
If the proper respect and communication is in place a relationship it can be salvaged through honest conversations and adjustments when expectations are not being met. Without the proper respect and communication the relationship will crumble due to the disappointment and hard feelings.
The beginning of dating relationships is great because you don’t expect a lot from people you haven’t known long. At the beginning of a dating relationship your suitor is a mere cute and charming stranger or casual acquaintance. It’s best to make your intentions and expectations know while the relationship is still new.
Unfortunately, people aren’t always honest about their intentions and they take advantage of the gray area that exists in a new relationship. Sometimes people have no idea what they really want so they go along to get along. The woman usually decides when the gray area should become more defined. The definition is on a graduated scale. The woman is usually the one conscious of the graduated scale.
People have define commitment in various ways 2021. It comes in the form of traditional marriage, co habitation or perhaps just a steady date and companion. Feelings and expectations change over time as a relationship goes on. Regardless of what commitment looks like a woman may feel that she is entitled to a certain level of respect and consideration in a longer relationship. If the man does not satisfy the woman’s expectations the relationship will begin to unravel.
The relationship can be saved through communication and coming to an agreement. If both parties value the relationship enough to save it an understanding needs to be reached in order to stay together in a harmony. Or they can agree to disagree and split up which is also a valid choice.
What often happens after a couple has been together for a while is that the woman is interested in a commitment or at least for the relationship to be clearly defined. She wants to know exactly how the man feels about her. She wants to know if there is a future with the man. Men often want to stay in the undefined, gray area as long possible. But the woman’s feelings are always going to change and grow with time if she has any genuine feelings for the man. With that comes greater expectations.
She will probably expect more from him as far as time, respect, affection commitment, etc. If he isn’t prepared to honor her expectations that the relationship will either end, they won’t get along or she will stay and be unhappy. It comes down to figuring out if you have the same goals in mind from the start, respect and communication. This is a make or break time for couples. It’s time to decide to break up or commit.
It’s all pretty simple but people are often dishonest from the outset and don’t communicate in riddles. A relationship like this is doomed to fail. I don’t think anyone should date before eighteen. Therefore, dating is for adults. Adults are responsible for communicating what they want. If an intelligent adult is acting like they can’t communicate and verbalize feelings after an adequate amount of getting to know the person I think they are being manipulative. Do with it as you will.
Love is a gamble but know when to give up. Some relationships can be like throwing your money into a lousy slot machine. In dating relationships it’s not hard to express how you feel about someone. If feelings are genuine you should be eager to let your partner know how you feel. You should want to assure your partner. In a cold world your relationship should be a warm, fuzzy safe place. Not a source of confusion, frustration, misunderstanding and stress. There’s nothing wrong with being a quitter.
I’ve discussed a few modern dating scams on this blog. Low bidding is a tactic utilized by users, leeches and people with low self esteem. (The leech can be male or female and any sexual orientation. But I write from a heterosexual female point of view.) They want a person (usually a woman) that is out of their reach. Instead of using their energy and time trying to become a person (usually a man) that can get their dream date they settle.
Settling is not a bad thing if you have some appreciation for what you are settling for. You may have wanted a juicy steak for dinner but you will settle for a can of ravioli. Ravioli is delicious, inexpensive easy to make and convenient. Sometimes it’s appropriate for the situation. We’ve all settled at some point. But if you’re going to be resentful and bitter instead of appreciative and grateful about the opportunity that presented itself to you please don’t settle. Hold out for what you really want and leave the can of ravioli on the shelf for someone that would request canned ravioli for their last meal. It’s all relative.
And settling is not a bad thing. In this case I will call it redirection. We all have a wish list and sometimes we find out the things on our list are not what they are cracked up to be, in short supply or the admiration is not returned. At that point of getting checked by reality you need to recalculate your course and plan a new strategy. We’ve all done it. It’s called growing up.
Let’s say that a gentleman meets you and you hit some of his metrics. You’re good enough for somethings but not others. You may be good enough for the night time but not the day time. You might be good enough for friends with benefits but not good enough to meet his friends. He might put in a low bid. Examples of low bidding are:
going dutch on dates
being vague about intentions
sexual innuendo/lack of respect
poor treatment
He’s letting you know from the start what he thinks you’re worth. Only a desperate woman would accept any of the bids in the bullet points. It’s up to you to set a high value for yourself. You can’t wait for men to value you because many of them don’t value themselves, women in general or long term relationships. The term “pump and dump” comes to mind.
This photo came from an about bidding on materials in the construction business. It illustrates why low bids can be a waste of time. Here is the article if you are interested.
These men don’t value themselves as human beings if they are willing to share their body with any woman that will allow it. That’s particularly true if they are having unprotected sex. They don’t even care about potential offspring or their health. And no, this isn’t a man being a man. It’s a jerk being a jerk. Jerk can be applied to either gender or the ones in between that I don’t quite understand.
If low bidders thought they could get a woman that met their standards to love and respect them they would pursue that. They don’t think they can because they lack confidence. Male language on social media reflects this. Men that say they need to “get themselves together” or “get their money up” before pursuing a long term relationship are pretty much stating that they don’t have what it takes at the moment to attract a woman that they find worthy. They don’t think of themselves as worthy.
I’m not saying that finances are not an issue. But so is personality and couples can grow together. And poverty is not an excuse to use another person. If you want to wait until you’ve made your first million to pursue a relationship that is a respectable plan. But don’t bother other people while you’re trying to achieve that goal. You’ll probably get there faster without the distractions anyway.
Low bidding is a sign of a potential abusive partner. He (or she) may do or say mean and inconsiderate things to see what their new potential partner is willing to tolerate. They may like to control and exploit their partner. Domination and intimidation is validating for bullies.
During the early stages of a relationship you should jump ship at the first sign of disrespect. It’s easier to leave in the beginning because a big investment hasn’t been made. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and bad situations usually don’t get better. You just need to remove yourself from harmful relationships and the sooner you can do it the better.
The beginning stages of dating are an observation period. If you observe troublesome behavior block the number and go on with your life. Don’t allow low bidders to insult you and don’t entertain them if they decide to come back around. If you allow them back into your life after kicking them out then you are behaving more desperate than you would have if you accepting them in the first place. A leopard doesn’t change its spots and bad situations usually don’t get better.
He’s about to eat you up!
Imagine if you had a car for sale and you were aware of the Blue Book value. You realistically assessed your car so you have a good idea of what you can get for it. If you’re a smart business person you’re not going to accept a ridiculously low bid. You’re going to disregard the low bidder as not serious and not allow them to waste anymore of your time. Just block the number.
I made the comparisons to a single person on the dating market to meals and cars. I’m just trying to make a point about a bidding process. There are some things like real estate and cars that aren’t good values so they won’t warrant a high price. However, human being are not property and inanimate objects. No one is called to be used in a demolition derby, stripped for parts or torn down for what’s underneath them. An Omaha 7 may never date an LA 9 but everyone that is nice deserves a suitable and loving partner.
There are a lot of scams involved in dating these days. Before you can look for love you need to be sure that they’re not simply looking to use you. I’ve noticed a dating trend over the last few years. I’m going to call it the bait and switch date and here’s how it works.
Let’s say a man and woman take interest in each other so they make a date. It’s Wednesday and they plan a day at a park for Sunday afternoon. As it gets close to time for the date the man finds a reason to modify the plans. He will come up with an excuse as to why the date that was planned won’t work on Sunday morning.
He may give excuses like:
It’s going to be a bit cool. (The seven day forecast told us that. Wear a jacket.)
He has hay fever. (Didn’t he know that before?)
He wants to see you but he has to do something later that night so he will be pressed for time. He doesn’t want to be rushed. (When did that come up? Why did you even make this plan with me if you had something to do later?)
As far as you’re concerned the plans can be canceled and we can see each other a different day. We can do something all together different if a firm plan is put into place. But he says that he wants to see you today. (Awww) You’ve taken the bait. You’ve already agreed to spend time with him and reserved a block of time for him.
He had no desire or probably intention to ever go to the park. His wheels have been turning for the last few days to see how an afternoon in the park can end up with time alone so he can try and have sex with you. He may also have made a suggestion that he thought you would like to butter you up. An idea of a pleasant afternoon may be enough to get you on the hook.
Here’s the switch. So now he suggests that the two of you meet up for drinks or a bite to eat at a bar or cafe near his house instead of going to the park and the two of you can talk and see where the afternoon goes.
Don’t trust men when they say “Let’s see where it goes”. Don’t trust them ever. Just don’t. Hit the eject button. Flakiness in men is usually a smoke bomb which creates a confusing gray area for them to exploit and people can be hurt that way to varying degrees.
In my opinion it would be a lot more respectful and mature if a man said, “Hey, I’m interested in casual sex this afternoon. Are you up for it? I have no interest in a long term commitment from you but you are kind of sexy.” The woman is then empowered to say yes or no. She can even open the conversation up to terms, conditions and negotiations.
But they don’t want to negotiate and put everything out on the table because they don’t want women to be empowered in that way. The US workforce works the same way. There’s a reason union labor has dwindled. Negotiations empowered marginalized workers. The workers got a chance to have their voices heard and companies were bound to an agreement. Large companies didn’t like that so they undermined union labor. The sexual revolution and feminism undermined and eroded women’s bargaining power. Men are no longer bound to anything but their own needs.
The world is run by men. They know how to make decisions, speak their mind and come to compromises. That’s why I look for leadership in men when it comes to personal relationships. To me leadership involves being able to make a firm decision and having the ability to make plans. Waffling back and forth is not attractive. I’ve learned that when men are being flaky and vague it’s not confusion it’s deception. He is pulling a bait and switch.
Shannon in Kansas City YT: KC Bible Study IG: @showmeshannon Twitter: kcshannonlee1 