Feminist Identity

Modern feminism is very confusing to me.  It’s as if it can’t decide which message it wants to spread.  On one hand we’ve been taught that women can be soldiers, police officers, firefighters, or the President of the United States.  But we are also being told that women are delicate flowers that can not be expected to speak up and stand up for themselves if a man gives them unwanted attention.  Feminism needs to pick it’s identity because I don’t think you can claim to be bold and brave and passive and childlike at the same time.

I was born in the mid 70’s so I inherited the Gloria Steinem, “I am woman hear me roar”, brand of feminism.  I’ve never completely bought into it.  I definitely believe that women should be independent and that we should be able to pursue any career that we choose as long as our talent, abilities and skills are competitive with others in the same field.  There is absolutely no reason that women should be barred or discriminated against in most fields.

The aspect of feminism that I’ve never agreed with is that men and women are equal.  Math was never my strong suit but I know that equal means the same.  I don’t believe that either gender is superior to the other but I do believe that men and women are different.  We are just hard wired differently.

Feminism has been telling women for decades to act like men and take on masculine characteristics.  I think this in itself is sexist and shows a lack of appreciation for femininity.  I believe that women are more modest by nature.  However, feminism has told women to put their bodies on display as often as possible.

60’s style feminism also brought about the sexual revolution which hasn’t worked out very well for women.  By nature women yearn for exclusive relationships.  Feminism has taught women to be sexually liberated and have as many partners as possible.  It seems to me that this attitude from women have made men value women less and it’s made it more difficult to find men that are interested in commitment and family.  If sex is readily available for men many of them don’t see the need to be married.

Sexual assault and street harassment is a hot button issue for today’s young feminists.  I see them on Twitter all the time complaining about their space being violated by men publicly or privately.  I don’t understand why young women can’t tell men on the street to leave them alone.  If a man at the workplace is making unwanted advances why don’t these ladies make it clear that they are not interested and if the behavior continues document the incidents and report them to human resources.

For decades feminism has encouraged women to be bold and assertive but now it’s claiming that women are delicate flowers that need to be protected.  Which is it?  There use to be societal norms that made men take relationships more seriously, respect a woman’s space and take more responsibility as a father.  But feminist attitudes chipped away at the conventions and now they are all but destroyed.

Women have always had a hard time regardless of the culture or time period.  Feminism started off well and still offers a lot of great values.  But I think the great feminist mistake was not valuing and respecting femininity and teaching young women to be more like men.  A man is not superior to a woman but we are not equal, meaning the same either.  I want to be respected for my skills, talent and work but I want to be respected as a woman too.

Grown Woman Sex Appeal

I am a forty two year old woman that will turn forty three in February of 2018.  People usually think I’m younger than what I am.  Sometimes people are a full decade or more off when they guess my age.  For the most part I have taken pride in this.  But lately it has begun to grate my nerves when I hear a person say that a woman looks great for her age.  What’s wrong with looking your age?  What exactly is a certain age supposed to look like?

As I have gotten older I have learned to appreciate what I call “grown woman sexy”.  Grown woman sexy is hard to explain or pin point.  But all I can say is that women don’t even start to have it until they are at least thirty two.  Grown woman sexy is physical beauty mixed with poise and sophistication.  Not many people have that in their twenties.

It’s a little perverse to me the way the world obsesses over youthful beauty.   There is a lot to be said about wide eyed, energetic, youthful beauty.  It is indeed lovely and I admire watching it on America’s Next Top Model, beauty pageants and in pro sports.  But if you are fifty and still trying to attract a beautiful twenty year old lover, any twenty year old lover, you’re a bit peculiar.  What’s wrong with other fifty year old people?  Why didn’t you snag your young dream lover when you were young and cute yourself?

I’m mostly posing these questions to men because women don’t seem to have the same hang ups on youth.  As I’ve gotten older I don’t have a problem with a receding hair line or a dad bod.  It’s kind of hot really.  And gray hair is sexy!  When you get older and you are on the dating market you need to face reality and deal with grown people ****.  I appreciate maturity and how it looks.

If I was a man I think I would appreciate a woman with a bit of a sloppy mid section.  I don’t think cesarean scars or stretch marks would be a problem.  I also think that laugh lines and crows feet add character.  Aging characteristics just make a lady look different but I don’t feel like looks are diminished until you hit the elderly stage of life.  A woman can be active and vibrant until she’s made it to that hip replacement age.  Until then live it up girls!

You couldn’t pay me to be in my twenties again.  It was fine while it was happening but there’s nothing about my twenties I want to relive.  I have grown so much and I have been very blessed so I feel that I have a lot to look forward to in life even once I make it (Lord willing) to hip replacement age.

I think that prime time for women is between thirty two – thirty seven (or older).  You are still young enough to take chances and enjoy the youthful pleasures of life but you’re too old to be naive and foolish (hopefully).  By the time you are in your mid thirties a woman has an education beyond high school even if it’s from the school of hard knocks.  And she has had some good and bad experiences that make her a more compelling person.

I honestly think the fixation people have with youthful female beauty is that a lot of men want to treat women like blow up dolls.  There is little appreciation for a mature woman’s point of view in this world.  (I think that’s how the U.S. ended up with Donnie for president).  Outside of marriage and motherhood American society doesn’t take much interest in the experiences of adult women.

I also think that making women feel bad about aging is yet another way men try to control women.  Society holds many judgments like this against women.  The number of sexual partners, failed relationships, children, weight and age are all used as indictments against women but not against men.  People will use anything on this list and you can probably think of a few more on your own, to tell a woman she isn’t good enough or worthy enough to be respected or loved.

If women don’t measure up to the standards that our culture has set for her she is told to settle and accept poor treatment from partners, poor wages from employers and little to no voice in the world around her.  The bias placed on aging women is probably the most cruel because she is being judged and punished for not dying.  What a message to send women as they start to get a few gray hairs.  Age is another device to control women.

Be mindful of telling a woman she looks great for her age.  If you want to give her a compliment just tell her she looks great.  Period.  Telling someone they look younger than what they are may be a matter of fact but not necessarily a compliment.  There is no reason why younger should automatically be considered better.

Enjoy the age you are and don’t look back.  You would be giving up too much if you did.  Be the best you that you can be at this point in your life.  Be grateful for all of your experiences.  They give you a rich history and give you stories to tell at parties.  And if you’re blessed this history plus exercise and eating right will help you achieve peak grown woman sexy.

 

 

#metoo

I’ve been considering writing about my experience with rape for months.  I’ve thought about writing my story as a catharsis, for revenge and to help others.  The #metoo has helped me make the decision to publish my story.  I’m going to be very brief and to the point.  I don’t think all of the details are necessary.

Three years ago I met a man on OKCupid.  He and I communicated for around four months and I saw him in person two or three times within that time frame.  While I was getting to know this man that goes by the name David Gosh of Houston, Texas I told him that I was not interested in a sexual relationship.

I explained that I wanted to live my life by Biblical rules and that meant that I wouldn’t have sex again until I was married.  He told me that he respected that and sex would not be an issue in our relationship.  He traveled for work and came to Kansas City often.  On one of his trips to Kansas City I decided to spend time with him in his hotel room.  I told him that sex of all kinds was still off the table but we could kiss, hug and cuddle.

After I got off work I went to meet David.  We went to dinner and then back to his hotel room to relax and watch TV.  I brought a change of clothes, a tank top and sweat pants with me.  I changed into my comfortable clothes.  I had been to one of his hotel rooms before and that one had a couch.  This one didn’t have a couch area in front of a TV.  There was just a bed.  That was probably by design.

I got in the bed and David turned off the lights.  He began kissing me and groping me.  He began taking off my clothes and I told him no and to stop repeatedly.  Ultimately I gave in to his advances and the sex act happened.  Afterwards, David took a quick shower and told me he had to get up early tomorrow so I had to leave.

I changed my clothes and left.  After reliving the incident in my mind I felt very used and violated.  After a month I reported what happened to the Kansas City Police Department but I decided not to pursue charges for a variety of reasons.  His name was removed from the police report.

I’ve been taken advantage of in other ways before.  I’ve had my purse stolen, a credit card number stolen on a separate occasion.  I had a window busted out of my car and the radio was stolen.  In those situations after the window was fixed, I got a new purse and the credit card company was notified of the theft I felt whole and I was no longer affected by the crime.  But it is very difficult to get past a violation against your body.  I don’t know if this was made worse because I trusted the wrong person.

I never saw David again after that night.  Once I got home I texted him and let him know that I was upset and thought he was a rapist.  He doesn’t believe he raped me.  He said “I knew you wanted to fuck me when you said you brought different clothes”.  I brought the same type of clothes that I would have worn if I had gone home after work.

I also sent him a few hateful threatening e mails months later.  He asked if we could be friends again.  I laughed out loud when I read that.  That was my last contact with David Gosh of Houston, Texas.  I hope his home flooded.  If he even really lives in Houston or if David Gosh is even his name.  I don’t really know because my entire brief relationship with him was a lie.

 

 

Pretty is not Special

I am not a feminist.  I think the modern feminist movement is sorely misguided in many ways and they do diminish women’s power.  They encourage events such as Amber Rose’s Slut Walk.  Feminists have convinced women that if they are confident and comfortable with themselves that they will put their body on display for the world to see, ogle and judge.  And the men of the world say “OK” with a shrug.  This all works out great for them.

The most empowering message that I think can be shared with young women is that pretty is not special.  Pretty is great but it is far too common to make you special.  And there are so many different types of pretty in the world that pretty connoisseurs can sample your type of pretty and then move on to a different type of pretty.

Besides that pretty is bountiful.  I see it all over the place.  I live in Kansas City, MO.  Kansas City isn’t a glamorous place like New York or Paris but my goodness I have seen some gorgeous women in this town.  I’ve seen them at the night spots, churches, the drug store, shopping malls they’re everywhere.  They range in age from sixteen to sixty.  They are fair skinned to deep brown, petite to pleasantly plump, conservative, sexy, edgy, trendy you name it.  So if pretty is what you focus on you’re really just another face in the crowd if you’re in certain crowds.  I for one think any woman can be pretty.  It just takes a little style.

And there is no finish line to pretty.  There’s really no way to know if you’re the fairest of them all because no one is cute to everyone and everyone is cute to someone.  The quest for pretty can be exhausting.  Are you ever pretty enough?  And one must remember that Father Time is always right behind you.  I don’t think that Father Time necessarily destroys beauty but he certainly changes it to a different kind of beauty that is not appreciated.

I am realistic and I think pretty is good.  It’s certainly better than ugly.  And certain opportunities will only be opened to those that are deemed pretty.  You only have one body so by all means cherish it and decorate it well.  But pretty needs to go along with other things or it is useless and possibly even irritating.  Pretty needs to be partnered with a good spirit, a keen intellect and or an enjoyable personality.  All of those things will outlast the youthful beauty that society puts on a pedestal.

Not that anyone has asked but I advise all women to enjoy and protect the beauty of your youth but don’t make it an idol.  You are more than your shell.  Let all of your gifts shine.  Some of them can last a lifetime even if you live a long life.  Don’t let this world tell you that your value depends on how you measure up to beauty queens or Low Rider models.  Your value is not dependent on how many men approach you when you are out for a night on the town.  Your value is not determined by the status of the men you attract.

2017 is a dangerous time for women.  Young women and men are being fed foolishness under the guise of feminism.  Men and women need to retrain themselves to value women for something other than physical appearance.  We will all be well served when we learn to value women as whole human beings.

Who is Responsible for Sexual Purity?

Who is responsible for sexual purity?  According to the cultural mores of today, which in some circles is similar to the cultural mores of Massachusetts in the 1600s, it seems as though it is solely the woman’s responsibility to uphold sexual purity.  Women are told you are worth the wait.  Women are told to save themselves for their true love and the man they will marry.  Women are told to respect themselves and remain chaste.

Well meaning folks encourage women to remain pure by telling them they are princesses and queens who should wait for their kings.  All of this preaching to women is assuming that women only have sex in order to satisfy men.  This is often the case but sometimes women have sex because they want to do it and they are seeking pleasure.

Is it possible for a woman to have self respect, dignity, value herself, want true love be a princess and satisfy her sex drive?  Women and have desires and fantasies too.  Sometimes women are tempted to sin because they find a man charming and attractive.  Women do not always have pre marital sex because of pressure from a boyfriend (that’s called rape).  Sometimes the woman wants a lover.

If we are going to preach about sexual purity we need to be honest.  Women are not always pure and innocent.  Men are not always the aggressors.  Women are not always victims that were taken advantage of in every sex act between unmarried people (that’s called rape).  Women need to learn discipline, obedience, sacrifice and self control just like men do.  I think we need to lay off all the princess wait on your man bull****.  You should practice abstinence until marriage to please your heavenly father not flawed men here on Earth that you are hoping to marry.

It also bothers me that women are taught to protect their so called purity and wait on their future spouses but men are not.  I don’t understand why the rules are different.  If a woman’s body is precious so is a man’s.  If a woman needs to protect her heart so should a man.  The Bible tells everyone that the proper context for sexual activity is marriage.  Fornication is not a gender specific sin.

If Christians want to teach abstinence they should teach men and women to trust God and be obedient to his word.  Christians need to encourage others to discipline themselves and not to do things that feed the flesh.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to teach people to wait.  Because honestly, Mr. or Ms. Right may not show up when you want.  Waiting causes a lot of frustration.

Men and women need to be taught to respect each other’s boundaries and not tempt other’s into sin.  Get to know a potential mate’s heart, intellect and soul before you bring sex into the picture.  You will have a stronger marriage later.  At least that’s what I’m hoping.  It’s not solely a woman’s responsibility to uphold sexual purity and protect marriage.  Men need to help.

1 Corinthians 6:18

Flee fornication.  Every sin that a man doeth is without the body;  but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. KJV

 

 

 

 

Derrick Rose’s Problems

I like Derrick Rose.  Not as much as I like Lebron.  I don’t have a crush on him at all.  And I’m not even a Chicago Bulls or New York Knicks fan.  I just like Derrick Rose.  He seems like a super cool guy to me.  He’s the type of cool that only a Black man can be.  That type of cool is often replicated but never quite duplicated.  He seems like the type of guy your cousin would bring to a family cook out and everyone instantly liked him.  If she stopped bringing him around everyone would ask “Whatever happened to your guy that you brought to the cook out?” for years to come.

He’s a Chicago neighborhood that grew up on the rough side of town and became the pride of the old neighborhood.  Derrick Rose always seemed natural and down to Earth to me.  He was just a simple Chicago boy turned basketball star; no more or less.

Derrick’s career seemed promising at the start but he suffered injury after injury.  Some of the injuries caused him to sit out entire or part of more than one season.  Poor Derrick Rose couldn’t get a break.  There was a time when I thought Rose my be the unluckiest man on the planet.  I felt bad for him and I wanted to see him come back and play well.

Rose was recently traded to the New York Knicks and I thought his career may have a chance to rebound.  But rape accusations from a former lover made him headline news for something other than his performance as an athlete.  I am terribly disappointed in Rose.

There is no real way for him to ever recover from this incident.  The parts of the story that are agreed upon by both parties make Derrick Rose look like complete garbage.  He claims that he thought he had consent to have sex with the woman because she sent him a text message.  I don’t remember what the text said but it did not say come over here and have sex with me.  It was something to the affect of “Sure, come by for a visit”.  And somehow Rose took that to mean that sex was a sure thing.  My advice for all men is to get verbal, objective confirmation of consent before having sex with a woman.

Rose and the woman accusing him of rape were not the only people involved in this sordid tale.  Two of Rose’s friends were in on the act too.  So superstar Rose and two of his flunkies went to this woman’s house with the intentions of all three of them having sex with her.  I didn’t think that was real.  Who does that xxxx?  Evidently Derrick Rose and his flunkies do.

Where’s the romance, intimacy, friendship, flirtation or sex appeal?  That is just trash!  One would think that Derrick Rose would have enough romantic offers that he wouldn’t need to share women.  His buddies may not get the attention that Derrick does but surely they could develop enough of a personality so they would have to split a bit of sex three ways.  Come on guys have some standards.  Where is your pride?

Derrick won his court case and he doesn’t have to pay his accuser the boat load of money she was demanding.  But his character and career are tarnished in my eyes.  When it comes to situations like this I figure you may not exactly be guilty of what you’re being accused of but you probably did something you had no business doing.

I will never see Rose as the super cool guy from Chicago who’s talent and dedication to his sport earned him fame and fortune.  From now on I will see him as a sexual deviant that despite being a grown man does not understand what it is to get consent from a woman for sex.  Now he’s just blechkk!  This latest trial of Derrick Rose makes me wonder if foolishness is the cause of his problems.  You blew it Derrick.

 

 

 

#nomakeup – Shannon in Kansas City

There’s a new feminist movement sweeping social media.  It’s called the #nomakeup movement.  The #nomakeup movement encourages women to not wear make up.  I’m not exactly sure why we shouldn’t wear make up anymore.  I think it’s because Alicia Keys doesn’t want to wear it.  She says that she wants to challenge beauty standards and she wants the world to see her for who she really is.  Well good for Alicia Keys and her newfound independence from make up but can I live?

I’m not real big into natural beauty unless you are talking about landscapes.  Just about everything else can stand a little improvement and manipulation in order to look more appealing.  I don’t see anything wrong with that at all.  You don’t let the grass in your yard grow wild.  You take your car to the car wash once in a while.  But women are supposed to just throw ourselves to the wind to prove that we are confident, self assured women with our self esteem in tact.  Not me.  Not ever.

I enjoy makeup because I feel like it adds a little glamour to the mundane.  Putting on my makeup is sometimes the best part of my day.  I just like what a little mascara, eye liner and lipstick does for me.  I feel more put together and I know I look better.  I also feel like women look more feminine with make up.  Elegant femininity is becoming rare in these times that we live in but I’m a woman that wants to take a stand for it.

When I put on make up I don’t feel like I’m trying to look like someone else or live up to anyone else’s beauty standards.  I think that I am presenting the best version of myself.  I’m not hiding low self esteem under make up.  I am spending time on something that I care about.  I care about myself and the impression that I make on others.

I think that there is too much “keeping it real” in the world.  I want to break it to you all.  The world doesn’t really care about your authentic self.  There is a precious circle of folks that you can “keep it real” around.  Everyone else would like a polite, attractive representative until we choose to get to know you a bit better.  No one owes it to you to appreciate the most tore up version of yourself.

Alicia Keys’ #nomakeup campaign is really a bit arrogant.  The pictures that she posted on Instagram with no make were taken in a professional photo shoot.  The photos still look like they belong in a fashion magazine.  Alicia already has the mate and career she wants.  She is wealthy and probably doesn’t have to work another day in her life.  I think it’s kind of easy for her to say that she wants to abstain from cosmetics.  It’s really easy to not care what anyone thinks of you when you are a thirty five year old multi millionaire.

But Alicia can do what she wants and if she feels liberated going make up free good for her.  I applaud any woman for choosing not to wear make up if she doesn’t see the value in it.  I doubt that there is any real pressure for these women to wear make up but go ahead and rebel against the oppression of the cosmetics industry.

I just ask that you don’t make assumptions about those of us that enjoy our daily maquillage.  We all don’t suffer from low self esteem and self hatred.  Most of us just like to look our best and put a little polish on what God blessed us with.