Modern Dating Scam:  Candor and Honesty

I believe that candor and honesty are important in a relationship.  In a perfect world everyone would be upfront and honest during the courtship period.  However, we don’t live in a perfect world.  Men engage in dating like relationships all the time for various reasons and they aren’t always forthcoming about their end game. 

Women usually start dating men with the hope that they will find a long lasting relationship or possibly marriage.  This post is for the benefit of women.  This is advice on how to conserve your time and energy and how to protect your heart.

In my dating experiences I have always been upfront and honest about my intentions, standards and expectations.  That was a mistake.  I was honest with people that didn’t deserve it.  I revealed things about myself that made me vulnerable to manipulation and I was taken advantage of and used.

I’m not saying that women should lie when they meet a new suitor.  (I’m also not saying they shouldn’t).  I’m saying that women should hold their cards close to their chest.  Don’t tell him that your goal is marriage and children.  A woman would tell a man that so that if he has different intentions he can go about his way. 

Sometimes that works but sometimes he will ride the wave as long as he can.  I’ve been amazed in my life at how far some people will take a lie.  Men will take fake relationships until the bottom falls out of them.  If a man knows that that is your goal he knows he can waste 1-2 years of your time or more and then just break up. 

To you his sticking around is an implication that the relationship could turn into an engagement, marriage and happy family. The illusion of that can be used as a carrot to dangle in front of you.  All your honesty did was let him know how much of your time he can waste.  Men are out here having long relationships and starting families with women and never revealing their true intentions.

Observe and be judgmental as hell.  Be petty.  Quietly tear him apart.  Make decisions as you go along about whether he is what you want or not and if you’re compatible.  Don’t be afraid to cut ties.  Don’t be afraid to block numbers.  This is your life.

Studio shot of beautiful young woman playing poker. Black And White.

Don’t share your values.  Men lie and will put on whatever persona they think they need to in order to bask in your energy.  If you have strong political opinions and you could never be friends with a person with opposing views don’t say that up front.  Let him reveal his values and then you decide if they match yours or not. 

The same goes for religion or lack thereof.  Let a man reveal his spiritual life to you.  If he is compatible with you great.  If his beliefs are disagreeable to you cut ties and quietly move along.  No explanation is needed and nothing is owed.

When I used to use dating apps a common question was:  “So what are you looking for?”  I was always honest and told them.  I wish my answer had been “it depends on the kind of guy you are” or “that depends on what you want”.  Try and make them talk. 

If they start talking about vibes and s— you should probably bail.  If he says “let’s see how it goes”, abort mission.  He is lonely and just wants to enjoy your feminine energy.  He wants to toy with you. 

He doesn’t deserve your time and energy.  Even if you aren’t looking for marriage or a long term relationship this probably isn’t a man worth your time.  He is aimlessly kicking a can down the street of life.  That’s not what you need if you are over the age of twenty two.

If a man invests time in you he will learn your heart, mind, values and what you want for your future.  In time you will know if he’s a person that can be trusted with your secrets and if he deserves honesty.  There’s no reason to put it all out there too early. 

It’s important for you to know what you want.  It’s important for you to have standards.  It’s important for you to know the terms of a relationship you may want or don ‘t want.  It’s not important for your date to know.  Make them earn privileged information by proving that they can be trusted with it.

Men are fake and phony.  They are chameleons and con artists.  Most of them don’t really have any personality or spine.  Most men today will conform to any situation or opportunity placed before them.  But if you meet one that is genuine he will prove himself to be a gentleman who you can trust. 

That takes time so don’t rush things by blabbing about your standards and what kind of relationship you want right out of the gate.  If you reveal too much too early you will probably get a yes man.  If you’re a nice honest person that wouldn’t think of lying you naively will think you met a good match but in reality he just molded himself into someone that the thinks you will have sex with. 

So don’t share too much information.  Offer the absolute bare minimum.  Keep conversation light and say as little as possible.  If communication ceases,  good.  He probably didn’t have any genuine interest in you as a human being and wasn’t prepared to invest in a relationship.  Move on. 

It doesn’t really benefit you.  Women get too anxious in the dating game these days.  You don’t have to worry about wasting your time and energy if you don’t invest too much time and energy in men that haven’t been vetted.  Keep your cool and relax. 

Don’t reveal too much up front and take your time.  I’m not saying to lie as much as I’m saying to shut up and don’t offer too much information.  Your date isn’t entitle to that.  Honesty needs to be a two way street so make sure you’re not dealing with a snake before you start pouring your heart out.

Most Social Media Dating Advice is Pure Garbage! (but listen to this)

The vast majority of dating advice that is dished out on social media is absolutely ridiculous.  I don’t think that a lot of these people have even had more than three dates with the same person.  But I am here to help with my bit of dating advice and it may be the last advice you need and I have career experience to qualify what I am saying.

Like pairs up with like.  That’s it.  If you haven’t met that special someone yet it’s not that there is necessarily anything wrong with you.  It’s you just haven’t met your match yet.  I worked in the jewelry retail business for about six years on a part time or full time basis.

I sold jewelry for companies such as Zales, Kay, Helzberg and a small local jeweler.  I helped couples shop for engagement rings and gifts.  The thing I noticed over time is that couples mirrored each other.  Quiet people were with quiet people.  Outgoing people were with outgoing people.  Intellectual was with intellectual.  Arrogant linked up with arrogant.  You get the picture.

I think the biggest barrier people have with dating is not staying in their lane.  One of my favorite TV shows is “90 Day Fiance”.  It’s a reality show that tells the stories of couples that were in international romances navigating the immigration system, family turmoil and culture shock.  A common theme on the show is people trying to date people that are significantly younger.

In most of the couples the only way the older person has the opportunity to date a person in their twenties is if they have an economic edge.  If the younger party was from the US they most likely wouldn’t consider the older person for romance.   Most of these people are not wealthy so they go overseas and choose a partner from a poor country.  The result is a hit TV show but most of these relationships have struggles and some fail.  They didn’t stay in their lane.

I don’t think dating is about hitting a mark.  It’s about finding someone that compliments you.  One thing that I don’t think people understand is that you don’t have the right to expect something out of a person that you don’t offer yourself.  You shouldn’t expect to date someone fit if you’re not in shape.  You can’t judge someone for their amount of sexual partners if you’ve been on the ho stroll for years.  You don’t deserve someone with good finances if you are terrible with money.

Even if you attracted someone that was your ideal your differences may cause many struggles if you’re able to find common ground at all.  If you’re a neat freak you probably won’t get very far with a slob.  A pious person probably wouldn’t get along with an atheist in intimate circumstances.  The list goes on and on.

Throw out all value judgements on who society tells you to love.  Be honest about what you have to offer and find someone that complements you.  When I worked in the jewelry business I met a lot of well cared for women that didn’t look like supermodels and had probably been around the block a bit but their men fit the same description.  I’ve heard stories of couples meeting in AA meetings and detention in high school.   Look for love where you are and from someone that reminds you…of you.