Tag: Black Women

In 2023 Black Women Need to Find Balance and Get a Personality

I spend a lot of time on social media. I’ve probably been on some form of social media every day for the last thirteen years. I’ve made a lot of interesting observations and I’ve come to various conclusions. As a Black American woman I’ve come to the conclusion that Black American women need to learn to find balance in their lives.

Black American women need to get a life. Black American women need to relax and learn to enjoy things. My observation from social media use is that there is too much focus on advocacy. There are too many Black women on social media that make social causes their entire personality. It’s the lead in. We can’t all be Angela Davis and we should not try.

I’m not in favor of being a vapid, uninformed woman. That is also well circulated on social media in ditsy posts, fight and twerk videos. It’s as if Black women on social media need to adopt an online persona devoid of personality. She gets two choices: advocate or sex kitten. Both personas dehumanize Black women.

I don’t support the divestment movement on social media either. The divestment movement tells Black women to not take any interest in politics and social matters that affect Black Americans. This is completely delusional. Black Americans need to continue to make strides but I think we can go about seeking equality, justice and a better quality of life differently than past generations did. We’re not sharecroppers, laundry women and slaves anymore.

There is a sub culture on social media that promotes Black women living a “soft life”. By that they mean that Black women should learn to enjoy leisure. However, the subject matter and conversation is often sociopolitical. It’s not just about things like fashion, cooking, hobbies, etc. It’s just being Black and going on vacation or going to the park or something and the creator is hyper aware of being Black in the environment they are in.

Most of these content creators haven’t reported anyone hurting them or discriminating against them in a significant way. They are clearly uncomfortable and seeking validation. These travelers are driving themselves crazy when they need to just enjoy their vacation.

I follow an account on Twitter that discusses Black people in film. The account creator critiqued the upcoming movie Barbie and referred to it as a show about a White supremacist toy. I get it I guess but good grief. They take the enjoyment out of everything and I don’t think Barbie is doing anything to hurt anyone. People like that particular person on Twitter pick things apart and don’t address real and impactful matters.

It’s important to have convictions and stand by them. I admire passion, pride and devotion but I don’t think resistance is as useful in 2023 as it once was. Looking forward I think building infrastructure within families and communities is key. Black Americans have more tools and resources to do that now more than ever.

That takes emotionally whole and healthy people. That takes the proper social and networking skills. There needs to be balance. Black women need to know when to take a stand. Pick your battles wisely so you have energy to invest in yourself, in enjoyment and in relationships with those around you. Black women have more to offer the world than advocacy, political organizing and raging against the machine. In other words, get a personality.

Black Women are Human and Humans aren’t Always Nice

Social media loves to harp on Black women that aren’t so sweet or come off as self serving. They will fixate on it for days. If a Black woman is snarky, mean, puts herself first or isn’t cheerleadery the public takes great offense to this and hopes for her downfall.

Black women are human and sometimes humans aren’t nice. All humans are different. If a Black woman isn’t super nice to you get over it. She doesn’t owe you anything anyway. People that you don’t know don’t owe you nice.

Men (all) are left to rape, steal, pillage and destroy. Some support their actions and make excuses for them. Non Black women often remain unscathed regardless of their words or actions because they are great at deflecting the matter or someone will stand up for them.

People insist that Black women be nurturing, supportive and sappily sweet at all times without fail. That expectation is exhausting. Who is doing all that for Black women? No one. The main people complaining about the women pictured above are other Black women. We all have that sweet and nurturing side to us. It’s reserved for who we want to share it with. It’s not for public consumption.

Black women aren’t being allowed a full range of personality traits the way others are. Black women aren’t being allowed to be human. It’s as if Black women can only exist within a very narrow range. Give people space space to be who they are. If you don’t like them give them enough space that you don’t see or hear from them. It’s that simple.

I’m not advocating being mean, haughty or arrogant. I’m just bringing attention to a double standard. All of these men have made careers by being blunt, direct, rude, mean, selfish and greedy. They are admired for it and their nastiness or gruff personality alone is what made them successful. Trump was elected president for being “politically incorrect” in other words rude.

Ironically, social media pundits that are critical of snarky Black women absolutely love Black women who are mean violent and clown themselves on reality TV and fight videos. They eat it up with a spoon. But if a Black woman in a position of authority or leadership acts like she’s in charge she’s seen as problematic.

I’m not advocating being a nasty person with poor manners. I have taken issue with Tyra and Wendy. Aretha was clearly a diva. Anyone speaking from a pulpit needs to choose their words carefully. But stop thinking every Black woman owes you nice all the time. It’s as if people want Black women to earn acceptance that they would freely give others. Black women are human and humans are not always likeable and nice but be fair.

Letitia Wright’s Controversy

Letitia Wright is the young British actress that earned her place in the spotlight as Shuri in the 2018 film “Black Panther” where she played the precocious and tech savvy little sister of the title character. I am very impressed with Miss Wright as an individual and I think she’s one of the brightest stars of young Hollywood.

Letitia Wright is well spoken, lady like and fashionable. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I use to follow her on Instagram and she often shared thoughts about her Christian faith. I think she is great and it’s wonderful to see a young Black woman, especially one that looks like she has two Black parents and four Black grandparents prosper.

Last week Twitter got upset with Letitia because she shared a video with an anti vaccine message. I didn’t watch the video but it sounds pretty wacky and scatterbrained. I don’t know why people are wanting to cancel Letitia Wright because a lot of people seem to be apprehensive about the COVID 19 vaccine.

This is yet another example of the narrow margin society gives Black women to exist within. The world doesn’t want to see Black women move with autonomy. We are expected to have our actions and opinions dictated to us so we can be used as tools that service others.

Letitia Wright didn’t stick to the script given to Black women and she was heavily criticized for it. I’m not in favor of what seem to be her views but Letitia is entitled to her view point. She didn’t deserve to be belittled, called stupid and threatened with the end of her career.

Letitia apologized for posting the controversial video and deactivated her Twitter account. It’s amazing how much grace some are shown while Black women are shown very little. The more visible African ancestry a Black woman has the less grace she is given.

Marvel Actor Letitia Wright Apologises After Sharing Vaccine Doubter Video (tyla.com)

I wasn’t a huge Black Panther fan but I admire Letitia Wright a great deal. She is a breath of fresh air in Hollywood. It’s great to see a young Black woman present herself with pride, maturity and modesty as opposed to being a loud mouthed bimbo fabricated by a surgeon.

Despite Letitia Wright’s gifts she’s still being silenced for having an opinion on a controversial matter. I guess it would be easier for the public to accept her if she was dating Future, rapping about selling her body for cash and gifts or discussing her wet ass pussy.

I would support Letitia if she expressed herself in a sexual way as well. Black women are entitled to be individuals with personalities that guide their own opinions and actions. We should not require permission to express ourselves. Black women should be given the same amount of grace and room for growth that others receive.

Require Respect and Honor: Don’t Be a Handmaiden

Black women deserve to be honored and respected in their relationships with men. Black women deserve commitments from romantic partners. Black women deserve to raise their children in intact families and have responsible and involved fathers for their children. Black women deserve to be invested in financially. But young Black women are being influenced to not require or expect those things.

Yet many Black women are having children for men that have no good intentions towards them. By good intentions I mean traditional marriage. The majority of Black children grow up in single parent homes. Single motherhood has been glamorized and exalted in the Black community but the co parents to these women don’t seem to be very appreciative of their children’s mothers. You don’t have to go very far on social media before you find a man degrading the mother of his child.

What does that sound like to you? To me it sounds like Black women are being treated as handmaidens, mammies, wet nurses, brood mares. I know it’s harsh to hear but it’s up to Black women to stop it. The way they stop it is by accepting no less than respect, honor and commitment.

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/respect?s=t

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/honor

There are benefits to being a single woman. But there aren’t many benefits to being a single mother aside from escaping an abusive and volatile relationship or a deadbeat that is a liability instead of an asset. Those kind of relationships should be avoided and abandoned whether children are involved or not.

Two parent households provide the children with the best opportunity to thrive. Nuclear families allow women to devote more energy into their children. Marriage also provides protection for women and children. If the marriage is healthy it provides a good model for children to learn about relationships between men and women.

Some will say that marriage is just a piece of paper and that it isn’t necessary for a happy home life. People have been saying that for a generation now but that hasn’t happened. Now that women have been brainwashed by feminism to believe that they don’t need to be respected and honored families are being started haphazardly through hook ups and relationships that never had any stable footing. These relationships have not yielded good results for children, women or men.

There is a large gold digging community on social media that encourages women to “secure the bag”. I’m all for women pursuing men with money but if there is no honor or respect there you are just being a whore. A commitment still needs to be made. Wealthy men marry all the time.

Don’t breed children for unworthy men. Don provide men with an opportunity to be an IG dad. It’s an privilege to be a father and it’s a chance for a man to leave a legacy in the world. Children are also a lot of responsibility. It’s part of a man’s responsibility to establish a nurturing and stable family unit for his children. That is achieved by choosing a wife not choosing a handmaiden.

This is a video I made a while back for my You Tube channel.

Black women should stop allowing themselves to be turned into handmaiden, wet nurses, mammies and brood mares. The only way they are going to achieve this is by accepting nothing less than respect, honor and commitment from men. If you don’t get the respect you want then live your life on your terms instead of compromising with a man that never chose to honor you.

The World Gets More Patriarchal Every Day

The world gets more patriarchal every day. I came to that conclusion while reading the tweets about Andrew Gillum’s appearance on “The Tamron Hall Show”. Andrew Gillum is the former mayor of Tallahassee, FL and he made a unsuccessful run for the governor of Florida. His gubernatorial bid put him in the national limelight and made him a young star in the Democratic party.

Andrew was a part of a scandal that involved him, meth, a male prostitute and a hotel room in Florida. He was discovered in a puddle of his own vomit in the hotel room after partying it up with the prostitute. Andrew is a married man with three young children.

Andrew made an appearance on daytime TV and came out as bisexual. His faithful and supportive wife Jai was by his side. She didn’t share any plans on filing for divorce. She seems determined to stand by her man despite Andrew’s wild weekend. All of that is great and I’m actually happy for Andrew and his family.

Gillum’s scandal never seemed like enough to derail a career to me. As soon as I heard about Andrew’s skeletons I thought of former DC mayor Marion Barry. I have childhood memories of Marion Barry snorting crack on surveillance tape on the evening news.

Marion was reelected as mayor by the people of DC. I suppose if an elected official does a good job their extracarricular activities are no ones business. If I was a resident of Florida and I had to choose between Gillum and the current governor DeSantis I would choose Gillum in a heartbeat.

My problem is not with the Gillums it’s with woke Twitter. They made Andrew Gillum into a hero and sympathetic character because he came out and now he’s “living his truth” according to him. He was living his truth before as a disloyal husband, drug abuser and party animal. The man publicly dishonored and humiliated his wife. I don’t think he deserves any praise or sympathy.

Andrew was forced into making his announcement or perhaps excuse. The woke folks coddled him all day on Twitter with no mention of how his wife must have suffered throughout this ordeal. All they did was praise her for standing by her Black bisexual king. I was disgusted.

Had Andrew cheated on his wife with a female prostitute he would have been dragged on Twitter. But his sympathizers say that he acted out due to being a closeted bisexual man. I don’t think a man of his accomplishments and stature is someone that warrants our concern.

He had a wild weekend and got caught. Being caught with a male prostitute doesn’t make it better and it doesn’t make Andrew Gillum an LGBT civil rights leader. It makes him an unfaithful husband that enjoys drugs. There is no more or less to it.

His wife is a Stepford Wife and political tool. Their marriage is probably a professional arrangement that she enjoys. The Gillum’s appearance on “The Tamron Hall Show” seemed practiced. I wouldn’t be surprised if they knew what questions Tamron would ask even though Mrs. Gillum’s answered square danced around them.

But nonetheless she is a human shield who is protecting her husband from further public scrutiny and a divorce. The person who should have made the appearance with Andrew on daytime TV was the prostitute and the drug dealer. Jai Gillum has done nothing wrong and she doesn’t deserve to be dragged into her husband’s scandal and he doesn’t deserve having her stand up for him. It doesn’t matter to me if she entered into a political, showbiz marriage or not.

Those that are feminists and support the LGBT community hold the most patriarchal views. They focus on what benefits men and they think that honoring women and commitments like marriage are outdated and hurtful to women. Women need to prioritize their needs and desires and make a stand for respect and accept nothing less.

TI’s Hymen Test is Indicative of the way the World Seeks to Control Black Female Sexuality

Recently rapper TI remarked on a podcast that he took his daughter to a gynecologist yearly and had the doctor check to ensure her hymen was still intact.  This is supposed to prove that the eighteen year old girl has never had sex.  All families operate differently and what is peculiar to one family may be acceptable in another.

I found TI’s admission to be a bit Taliban like and I was shocked that he was so comfortable telling the world about this daddy daughter tradition.  But TI has shot his mouth off several times in 2019.  As far as I’m concerned his daughter has joined a list of people and entities to whom TI owes an apology.

In my opinion there is more power for women in modest dress and morals.  But if a woman decides differently for herself I am no one to tell her differently.  An adult person has the right to choose what to do with their body.  I certainly don’t blame a parent for advising a young adult child to abstain from sex.  I would do the same if I was the parent of an eighteen year old son or daughter.

But to try an enforce abstinence with an iron fist implies that you are uncomfortable with that person’s sexuality.  It’s as if the enforcer sees sex as an inherently unclean and harmful act.  And here is the bottom line.  Overall, Black Americans and the world at large view Black female sexuality as nefarious and dirty.  Most people do not have a healthy view of Black female sexuality.  That even includes Black women and men.  Many Black men of Generation X and younger may have negative views of Black women and sexuality.  Being a hip hop star doesn’t make one exempt.

Just look at the music that many Black artists, particularly rappers such as TI have produced over the last thirty years or so.  Much of it is based on cheap sex, where the woman is not valued and the men seem resent the women.  R & B as a genre has slowly been phased out of popular music so it’s rare to hear songs about sweet romances and healthy sexual experiences anymore.  What we are left with are tunes based on casual sexual experiences and the bitterness and anger that often accompanies them.

Black Americans are heavily influenced by mainstream American culture which always seeks to affirm White righteousness.  These attitudes do nothing to benefit Black people but many of us absorb and admire the dominant culture around us.  Many of us are desperately trying to assimilate to a culture that makes us the butt of jokes and places us at a disadvantage.

It is pretty unusual for Hollywood to cast a Black woman as a romantic lead or to address Black female sexuality and romantic relationships at all.  Black women are typically presented as matronly, undesirable and asexual by Hollywood.  Image makers know what they are doing when they place certain consistent messages before their audience.  Hollywood and the media seeks to neuter Black women.

I’ll point out that when the entertainment business does address Black, female heterosexuality the Black woman is usually presented as desperate and her desperation or failure at relationships is comic relief or fuel for a story line about her suffering.  It is very rare to see a Black woman, that looks like a woman with two Black parents in a loving, stable relationship in the media.

Black women, particularly those with dark skin and kinky hair are fed a steady stream of negativity about what they look like through the media and often personal interactions.  I believe that this is a deliberate attempt to control Black female heterosexual activity.  It’s the ultimate c—block.  There are many within the Black community that are in on the act.

Undoubtedly, TI has taken advantage of and abused (I don’t mean criminally.  I have a broader definition of abuse.  What many call normal sexual behavior in the modern era I think of as abusive.) numerous women.  Because of his own behavior he now has an unhealthy view of female sexuality.  TI doesn’t even seem to have a respectful relationship with his own wife.

TI and daughter

He doesn’t want his daughter to be taken for granted, abused, used and discarded.  He doesn’t want his daughter to be treated like a human blow up doll.  He doesn’t want his daughter to be thought of as a piece of flesh that exists for a man’s pleasure.  He doesn’t want his daughter manipulated, mislead or lied to in order for a man to gain access to her body.  TI has probably engaged in all of this type of reckless behavior which has given him a negative view of female sexuality.

Safety, comfort, acceptance and trust are what set the mood for a woman to have a healthy sexual relationship with a man.  These conditions are what give women the freedom to express themselves sexually.  Unfortunately, Black women are not offered these conditions and this freedom as often as women of other communities.  So sex as it relates to Black women often comes with negative connotations instead of romantic, pleasurable, affirming ones.

People seek to control acts that they see as nefarious and vile.  Black, female, heterosexual behavior is seen as unwholesome and dirty under the global system of White supremacy.  Therefore, it is seen as something that needs to be monitored and controlled with no thought to the well being of Black women.

#teambreezy/Confessions

Chris Brown shot his mouth off in a recently released new track and it’s got the Black gossip blogs on You Tube in a tizzy.  He said something to the affect of he only has sex with Black women with nice hair.  How sweet.  Lucky them.  That song lyric has started a poop storm.  I’m glad because #teambreezy needs a wake up call.

Before I go on about how stupid I think #teambreezy is I must confess my own problematic favs.  I make no excuses.  I’m just admitting to my hypocrisy but I’m still going to talk trash on #teambreezy and their idol.

My problematic favs:

The Kansas City Chiefs – There have been some very special people that have played or currently played for the Chiefs and by special I don’t mean exceptional athletic ability.  I’m mean menaces to society.  I saw a Facebook comment calling all Chief fans scum bags for defending our star receiver despite his current controversy.  I got nothin’.  That commenter is correct we are scum bags.

Anyone that’s been to a Chiefs game knows that we are scum bags.  Guilty as charged.  I won’t argue.  But heck, we want the Chiefs to make it to the Superbowl next year and my man Tyreek runs with the speed of an animal.  I’m still mad, sad and shocked that Party Boy Hunt is gone.

The NFL as a whole – I never once considered boycotting the NFL.  I don’t enjoy much but football is one of the things I actually like.  The NFL is problematic from the owners, to the players, to the fans, to the refs.  But I’m not going to stop watching.  I will continue to watch and just complain about everything.

R. Kelly – The debate is not whether Robert is guilty or not.  He’s guilty as all hell and should have gotten a jail sentence.  He beat his charges in a trial that was crooked as a hairpin.  So what am I supposed to do about that?  I wasn’t on the jury.  That’s the question I have for the #cancelrkelly folks.

tyrese

The debate is whether we should continue to listen to his music.  I’ve owned 12 Play since 1993 and it’s downloaded to my mp3 player.  I promise I will turn him down at stop lights when I have my windows down OK.  And if I ever get married I will instruct the wedding DJ to wait to play Step in the Name of Love late in the evening.  Me not listening to his music isn’t going to undo anything that has been done.

I’m sure that I could think of more problematic favs if I really thought about it.  But like I said earlier I don’t really like very much.  But now that I have confessed my sins back to #teambreezy.

Of all the annoying fan bases I’ve seen on social media #teambreezy is honestly the worst and that says a lot.  They bother me more than the idol worshipping, bullying Beyhive. They need therapy worse than self depreciating, chronically depressed Dallas Cowboy fans.  #teambreezy irks me more than Trump supporters.

#teambreezy has been out here looking stupid for years.  These women publicly fawn over a man that is as well known for beating the living hell out of a woman than for his music.  This goes beyond having a crush on a bad boy rock star.  I really think that there is something wrong with these girls.

So why are any of us surprised by Chris Brown’s brash behavior and rudeness towards women?  He’s already proven that he is a horrible man with bitterness in his heart towards women.   And women have proven that they don’t care.  He still has plenty of willing female companions and a legion of fans.  This is why women and feminism don’t get taken seriously.  Women don’t even demand basic respect and kindness such as don’t severely beat a woman in the face.

Chris Brown did his time under the law so he is free to further his career.  I can understand #teambreezy positively critiquing and enjoying the music.  But these psychos are in love with him.  If they had the chance to have an abusive relationship with Chris Brown they would jump at the chance.

#teambreezy reminds me of the episode of The Office when Jim was talking to Dwight about his dream life.  Dwight mentioned his boss.  Jim stopped him and asked him why he had a boss in his dreams.  Dwight defended having a boss in his fantasy life as opposed to being the boss or being independently wealthy.  #teambreezy is in love with a man that is a known abuser.  Of all the celebrities they could have a fantasy relationship with they choose the one that beat a woman in the face.  Some people can’t be helped.

The Black drama channels love to expose colorist attitudes of Black male celebrities.  I’m tired of that and don’t care anymore.  It’s beating a dead horse at this point and nothing is changing.  Black people are really starting to bore me with this s—.

team breezy

Chris hasn’t learned anything from the criticism he’s getting either.  He is digging his heels in and saying that only ugly women are mad.  That’s not a very good business model.  If you were running a diner would you tell people that they have to be solid 8/10s to be served in your restaurant.  If you did that you would go out of business pretty fast.  And Mr. Brown is thirty years old saying this foolishness.  THIRTY!

It’s obvious that most famous men like thin women. Imagine one of the Jonas Bros. or an MLB pitcher or whatever publicly making rude remarks about overweight women and telling them that they would never have anything to do with them. Feminists would go off and no one would be defending his preference or telling them that they are too sensitive. But then again men wouldn’t dare publicly insult White women even if they aren’t his type.  For some reason there is a minority of men that feels the need to scream from the rooftops what their preferences are even when they are not asked.

So I’m glad that Chris made that nasty remark in his song.  I hope that it will help #teambreezy snap out of their trance since the pictures of Rhianna’s battered face don’t seem to make a difference.  Stop being taken advantage of ladies.  Chris Brown doesn’t like you.  You’re just a cash cow to him.  He doesn’t even really like women with so called good or nice hair or however he phrased it.  They are disposable vaginas to him.  Put your Chris Brown fandom behind you and move on.  It’s OK we’ve all loved and admired the wrong person at one time or another.

I’ve Retired from Online Dating

I’ve retired from on line dating. Or you could say I’ve given up. You could also say I’ve aged out of the system. Regardless, I’m not doing it anymore. I wish I could say I’ve met a wonderful man so I not longer need the help but that isn’t the case. I’m single and if I have to go on a dating website to meet someone I prefer to remain single.

On line dating was an interesting experience and I learned a lot. I’ve tried different sites over the years. Most of what I learned is discouraging and it kind of makes me glad and proud to be single. I’m going to share some of my experiences and observations as a Black, Christian, college educated woman. I hope this is helpful to others.

The first problem with on line dating is simply that it’s kind of boring. You match with various people on the site and they mostly look alike, dress alike and say the same things. Most of them are not very good conversationalists. I ended up leading a lot of the conversations and when I ask people what they like to do with their free time and what their interests were many of them were at a loss.

Conversations on dating sites start like conversations at social events and night spots, with small talk. But small talk that would be over with in two or three minutes face to face can take several days on line. It’s easy to lose interest and patience with this especially if you’ve had dead end conversations like this in the past. The process is more tedious than anything.

On line dating is particularly tricky for Black women. I have always been open to dating men that are not Black but my preference was to have a Black, Christ focused family. I didn’t realize that I was betting on the long shot.

Before I delve into this topic I want to make it clear that I hold no ill will towards anyone. I’m not jealous or envious of anyone. I don’t think anyone owes me anything and I am not seeking to control anyone’s choices. Black women have to give those disclaimers when they speak their truths. So here I go.

I don’t think that most Black men on dating websites are there to meet Black women. I think their primary interest is meeting women that are not Black and if they date a Black woman they are probably looking for one whose appearance hints at significant European ancestry. I don’t have that to offer a man. There is very little European ancestry to pass along here.

So my advice to Black women that want to date Black men is that you should completely forego dating sites and meet men in mostly Black social spaces such as night clubs, churches, your circle of friends, etc. I know you’ve probably already tried that but I think that on line dating will be a complete waste of your time.

There are many, many Black men on these sites that you will match with but their intentions are questionable. I think they may be OK if you are simply looking for a good time if you know what I mean or even someone to go to a movie with once in a while but if you are thinking long term commitment your pot of gold is going to be hard to find. You’re as well off striking up conversations with men at gas stations.

If Black women are interested in dating outside of the Black community I think that on line dating has more to offer. The problem I had was that I live on the border of two red states and I absolutely hate Republican politics.

I can’t see myself getting involved with a man and marrying into a family that voted to turn America into a White, pseudo Christian, ethno state. Ironically, the men that I found to be the most sincere and that displayed the most genuine interest and excitement about meeting me were MAGA people and Civil War reenactors. I just couldn’t see myself having a future with one of those guys. I may look back and see my choices as a mistake but I don’t think so.

There were White men that took interest in me that you would probably classify as liberal but they were a bit too edgy. They had too many tattoos, too many body piercings, absolutely bizarre backstories, too many kids. Some of them were Atheists and many seemed to have unstable addresses. I don’t think it would work. Perhaps I will regret my life choices one day but at least I’ll be a blessing to some lucky cat.

I don’t think it’s important to have a lot in common with your spouse. I think it’s OK to have different interests and hobbies. But I would like to share faith in Christ with a person that I was going to marry. If a man doesn’t believe in Jesus I don’t think he would ever really understand me as an individual. Let me tell you what. If you are Christian, single and trying to be obedient to Christ you are undateable to 95% of the US population. I’m going to leave that right where it is.

Yes, I tried Christian Mingle but by the time I got around to them I wasn’t willing to pay for a dating site and you have to pay to communicate with people. I browsed the page and didn’t really see much that I wanted to invest in financially. Besides that I saw someone that I knew on there. That’s always awkward.

There are a lot of what I’ll call phantom people on dating websites. They are people that just moved to the area and they didn’t grow up here or have other kind of local connections. They are people that travel for work and come through town often. They are single men in the military. They are men that work from home and keep to themselves.

There are a lot of mysterious people on dating websites that don’t really belong anywhere or to anyone. No one really knows them. A lot of them claim to not like social media but they are on dating sites. The man that inspired my choice to never use a dating website again is someone that I sporadically communicated with for a few months and met for dinner once.

We continued to communicate after our meeting and I asked him his last name. He became agitated and defensive because I asked the question and he asked me why I wanted to know. I honestly just wanted to know because I was interested in getting to know this person but I indeed was going to search his name on the internet. I surely wouldn’t mind if someone did that to me. He refused to give me his last name because he said he didn’t feel comfortable giving it to me after meeting me once.

I asked him why that was a secret and he said that if I knew his last name then I could look him up on the internet and find out his address. I asked him at what point he would feel comfortable letting me know his last name. He said he would feel comfortable giving me that information once he had me over his house for dinner. Do you see how that doesn’t make sense? Anyhow, I blocked his number after that. Anyone that is guarded over his last name is probably too paranoid to date.

I am forty four and I feel like I have aged out of the on line dating system. Your forties is a super awkward age to be never married and without children. Most single people my age are divorced with children or at least with children. I’m a true spinster that hasn’t had that family life experience so I don’t have a bitter divorce and family court drama as common ground with others.

There were men on the internet that reached out to me that were significantly younger than I am. I never pursued any of the opportunities with the really young ones. I’m skeptical about what they really wanted with a woman my age. Their intentions can’t be good. On some level I think it must be a scam or at best he was just looking for an experience with an older woman.

I’m talking, I found you on Facebook and I see that you’ve grown a lot from your prom picture that was taken eighteen months ago young. I ain’t got time for that. Even if his intentions were pure that situation seems like a lot of work. He was cute though. I asked if his dad was single and he said no. They always say no.

I met one young single dad on line that was very, very bitter. I can’t believe how bitter he was at such a young age. I figured it was best I move on from that. I’m not even trying to hear the sob story about him and his baby mama. I don’t need the anger in my life and I’m not helping a man that could damn near be my son pay his child support.

A lot of the men I talked to that are in their forties and fifties which was my target group were shady. Many of them had never been married but most of them had children. I asked a few what they were seeking from a woman at this point in their life. They claimed they were seeking to settle down. Settle down at forty nine? Forty nine. FORTY F@(%ING NINE. I’m sorry but that is just funny to me.

They didn’t quit the game the game quit them. They were pushed into retirement and now they “just want a good woman to enjoy life with”. I’m sure a fifty five year old man has met at least a few good women that he could have enjoyed life with. I’ve asked some of them why they wanted to settle down now. One of them got defensive and said he wasn’t ready before. I see.

Now that he’s older the young ones that he really wants aren’t attracted to him and the older ones that he might have a chance with are probably busy with crafts and browsing at the humane society. Sex isn’t as easy to get, at least not with someone with a youthful aesthetic, so now he claims he wants to commit. These men have avoided marriage throughout their youth and never married the mothers of their children. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

I don’t see anything good coming from getting to know one of these men. It’s obvious that they don’t value marriage or traditional family values. Practically speaking, you’re coming into these men’s lives just as they’re about to start having heart attacks and strokes. You can look at most of them and tell that fitness and nutrition hasn’t been a priority in their lives. So unless you’re going to pull an Anna Nicole why sign up to be a man’s nurse?

It would be different if you had him when he was young and cute. Then it’s like WE had a stroke, WE had a heart attack, WE’RE paralyzed on one side of OUR body. You’ve built a long life together and he’s meant a lot to you for a long time. Your relationship has stood the test of time and he deserves a dutiful wife.

You’ve probably been consuming fried chicken, pizza and French fries together over the last twenty years so when he has a brain aneurysm you will look after him and when you are diagnosed with diabetes he will look after you. That’s the great American love story. Sorry, but if a man has been the good time boy in your town for the last three decades I don’t see that he deserves a loyal woman in his later years. Let his kids and all their mothers care for him.

The other awkward thing about on line dating in your forties is that people lie about their age. Forty is the last decade in your life when you claim youth. I ran into someone I know on an internet dating site and he said he was in his forties. I was shocked because he looked much older. I knew the man because he patronizes the business where I work. I looked him up in our database and saw his drivers license. He was lying by about fifteen years. I suspect this happens often because I’ve seen a lot of profiles with some pretty harsh looking forty somethings.

So anyway, that’s some of my story. I know that on line dating works out great for a lot of people. Congratulations to them. I would encourage anyone to give it a try as long as you are discerning and play it safe. As for me I gave it a try over the years and I’m done. I’ve come to some conclusions in my life and I’m honestly relieved. If nothing else on line dating has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I’ve learned a lot about men, women, sociology and status.

I’m still hopeful that I may find Mr. Right one day but if we find each other it won’t be on a dating app. There are plenty and I mean plenty of men on the internet but I don’t want to make the compromises to make them fit into my life and I don’t want to put the energy into getting to know them and their true intentions. And there are way too many unattached, mysterious phantom daters out there that don’t really seem to belong anywhere. There is a real risk of being killed or hurt when exploring an online connection. I’m not sure that seeking true love and devotion is worth the risk. Spinsterhood is looking like a pretty good option.

International Women’s Day

International Women’s Day was Friday, March 8.  I thought nothing of it on Friday because I don’t know how to observe the day.  Do we go shopping, bake a cake, have a parade or what?  Beats me.

But over the weekend I ran across a video on YouTube of an Air Force service woman complaining about her subordinates having bad attitudes.

 

The soldiers post is bad enough but as always the comments underneath the video were far more extreme.  I read dozens and dozens of comments expressing disdain for and superiority to Black women.  YouTube is a haven for those who hate Black women.  Insults to Black women can be found underneath videos that have absolutely nothing to do with Black women.  I read this stuff and I’m like, sheesh can I live?  I’m just minding my business and trying to live here.

There is a YouTube host by the name of Tommy Sotomayor that has been preaching his hatred of Black women on social media for years now.  His success has inspired copy cats and their sentiment is repeated all over YouTube and Twitter.  I’ve come to the conclusion that the easiest way for a Black man that isn’t a celebrity to gain a large social media following is by degrading Black women.

tommy sotomayor Tommy Sotomayor

Stereotypes are usually based in truth but I still don’t find the perceptions that people have of Black women to be fair.  I am familiar with “Black attitude” and have encountered it.  I’ve dished some out.  So I’m not saying that “Black attitude” doesn’t exist.  I’m just saying that it is misunderstood and sometimes justified.

Hostility towards Black women has been very open in the media for years.  As I pointed out before it is all over the place and the Black community is not even a safe place from it because Black people often hold the most hostility and do a lot to perpetuate the harmful stereotypes.

Black women are often described as terrible mothers, terrible domestic partners, terrible people and ugly.  I’ve seen numerous social media posts telling Black women  that we are the so called bottom of the barrel women.  With so much negativity aimed at Black women I don’t understand why anyone is surprised that they would have attitudes or feelings of bitterness and resentment.  It is inevitable that all of the negativity would affect the image of Black women and girls.

Black women are often put down for the way they present themselves.  A lot of Black women wear hair weave around the world.  In countries outside of the US skin bleaching seems to be common.  Men that enjoy degrading Black women by telling them that they need to learn to love themselves.

What people choose to ignore is that European features are the standard of beauty globally and women of African descent that alter their appearance to look more European are trying to compete.  They are competing for economic opportunities and the affection of men.  Black women often feel that they need to make themselves look more European to gain the attention of Black men.

Black women are human beings and like all human beings they are seeking out validation and love.  Black women are fighting to gain economic resources in this modern economy.  Most of us are raised to believe that we need to alter our appearance to look more European in some form in order to do that.  Anyone that says that looking more African and less European in this world is an asset is not speaking the truth.

So that covers the why of some of the actions of Black women but that’s not where the bias stops.  I admit.  Some Black women have an attitude and are easy to trigger.  But so are a lot of other women that aren’t Black.  Why aren’t those women stereotyped as having bad attitudes?  In fact, when certain races of women have temper tantrums men think it’s cute, sexy and exciting.

 

If you take a gander at my profile pic you can clearly see that I am a Black woman.  I think I’m a pretty nice and easy going person.  I don’t like to be at odds with people or have conflicts.  But I’m not afraid to stand up for myself.  And I’ve noticed as a Black woman there are times when I have had to struggle to be heard.  When I don’t stand for being treated poorly or I feel the need to make myself clear so I can ensure that I am being heard and understood people often like to act is if I am the aggressor and they are the victim.

All a Black woman needs to do is stand up for herself or assert herself and many people will be offended by it because the woman that they deem as beneath them or bottom of the barrel is asking for fair treatment.  Others actually enjoy the nasty stereotypes of Black women.  It gives them a fool to laugh at and someone to make them feel superior.  I have had problems in the American workforce for not fulfilling the Black woman stereotypes.  A Black woman will be left in peace if she plays the role that others thinks she should play.

I grew up in the Detroit area and now I live in Kansas City, MO.  I’ve always lived places with sizeable Black populations.  So indeed, I have met unpleasant Black women but I’ve also met a lot of sweet as pie, smart, professional, family oriented, hard working, feminine, full of personality and drop dead gorgeous.  In fact, I think that most Black women are lovely people.  Most of the people that I have been close to and supported me in my life have been Black women.  I have absolutely no reason to put down Black women or try to put a different race of women on a pedestal.

Black women are like everyone else and should be judged as individuals.  Give us a break.  And no, I’m not pleading with anyone to like or love us.  That is a personal matter.  But I don’t think that we deserve the constant degradation that we receive.  It’s not even as if we are being accused of pulling off mass shootings or drive bys.  Even if you buy into the stereotypes we still really aren’t all that bad.  How can we be?  Black women don’t hold much power in society so we aren’t even able to hurt anyone.  I don’t understand how we became the boogeyman.

As far as the soldier that made that video I have some theories about why she has a problem with her subordinates but I will keep that to myself.  My hypothesis is not politically correct and would do nothing but hurt feelings and spread negativity.  I know when to keep my mouth shut.  I only know what this soldier shared in her profanity laced tirade which said a lot about her.

This woman clearly loves drama because there are other, less public, more professional and mature ways that she could deal with disrespectful subordinates.  I’m sure the Air Force has some sort of disciplinary system in place to deal with valid complaints.  And this lady said she wanted to fight the Black women that reported to her.  For goodness sakes that’s not lady like at all.  Is violence really necessary?  I’m thinking that she is the problem here.

So anyway the world really needs to back off of Black women and girls.  We don’t deserve the hostility.  We’re just trying to live our lives.  In the past year or so I’ve heard of about three stories of elementary school aged girls committing suicide because of bullying at school.  One news report said that a girl was being teased because of her hair.  She looked like an average little Black girl with two Black parents to me.  This negativity has consequences.

The mainstream American feminist movement rarely addresses the concerns of Black women.  Body positivity and other modern feminist causes exist to improve the conditions of affluent White women that only seem to have cellulite to worry about.  So in honor of International Women’s Day please, give Black women a break.  We’re having a hard time out here.