Modern Dating Scam: The Normalization of Horrible Relationships on TV

Horrible relationships have been normalized by the media. Daytime and prime time TV, network and cable programming is filled with stories of betrayal, deceit, abuse and chaos between men and women. The dramatic and negative depiction of romantic and domestic relationships has changed how men and women interact with each other. Expectations have changed due to relationship dynamics on TV. The bar has been lowered.

Relationships are on TV are tense and dramatic in order to entice viewers. There isn’t much of a story if two people are happy, in love and get along well. No one will tune in to watch a couple share a pizza and fall asleep on the couch. As an avid trash TV watcher I know that the intrigue is the drama. So is sitting back and shaking your head at the poor choices being made.

Relationship turmoil on TV has become so normalized that I think some may look at their own relationship and think that it’s not bad because it’s not that bad. I also think many people don’t have real life examples of respectful and productive long term couples to use as role models or council. Unfortunately, the new standard seems to be that if no one has been lied to, beaten or verbally berated it’s a functioning relationship right? Wrong. A relationship can be terrible long, long before it becomes dangerous and tumultuous.

The standard for relationships needs to be high. There needs to be mutual respect, consideration for each other’s feelings, true friendship and affection. It’s also great if you’re attracted to each other. If you merely tolerate your partner or are being tolerated you are better off single. A relationship should enhance your life and bring you comfort, peace, support and joy.

There are lovers’ quarrels but constant friction means you’re not a good match. Differences should be able to be overcome through communication and compromise. If a relationship is like rolling a stone up a hill you’re likely better off and more productive as a single person.

Living in conflict and misery is not normal or healthy. Shoot for the stars instead of accepting the bare minimum. If the best thing you can say about your relationship is that the neighbors have never called the cops on you may be better off without the relationship. The bar needs to be raised across American culture. Even if ratchet TV is your guilty pleasure don’t let it set standards for your life.

Modern Dating Scam: On/Off Relationships

On again/off again relationships are a scam. If you date a person for a while you know each other well. They aren’t changing and you aren’t either. It is what it is and it’s OK if you aren’t compatible for a long term relationship. If you’re thinking of breaking a relationship off there is likely a good reason for it. If you’re not getting along in a courtship of a few months to a few years you probably won’t get along in a long term domestic relationship. Make a clean break and move on.

In an on again/off again relationship it’s likely that someone is scamming. The key to a good scam is making it last as long as possible in order for the scammer to extract what they need. A person that you’ve dated a while knows how you respond, knows your weaknesses and knows some of your triggers. It would be easy for them to yo yo you back and forth. A good partner isn’t going to take a relationship to the brink before responding positively to his or her lover’s needs. That is manipulative.

It’s disrespectful for a partner to leave a lover time and time again with the expectation of being taken back. I assume that the partner that leaves and returns is looking for something that their current sweetheart isn’t offering during the off times. The current sweetheart provides them with security, support and possibly. A security blanket won’t likely get their happy ending from a partner that runs hot and cold.

This is Shaun and the mother of his six children who he never married. He is now married to a woman he met on a prison dating website after a brief courtship.

On again/off again relationships are dangerous. I hear the story on again/off again on the news often after a woman is killed by an ex. Once the woman makes a break from the relationship it could be dangerous to return or yo yo back and forth. Once the woman makes it clear that she wants to end the relationship the man may become frustrated that he lost his influence and the woman might die due to domestic violence. Playing games with relationships could get a woman killed. This is particularly true for Black women.

It’s understandable that a dating couple has a lovers quarrel. That’s different than going through a cycle of breaking up and reconciling for years. Be intentional and deliberate. On again/off again relationships can be dangerous and are a waste of time and energy. Adults should be able to make definitive decisions about their lives without a lot of drama.

Stay Safe When Dating On Line

I have experience with on line dating sites. I’ve used different dating sites over the years. I’ve written about my experiences on this blog. This post isn’t about dating and relationships. It’s about staying safe. Staying safe is your number one priority.

I enjoy observing modern American culture. Anyone that is objectively observing American culture in 2022 should come to the conclusion that America is hostile towards girls and women. The hostility manifests itself in many different ways. One of the ways animosity towards women is being expressed is through deception, manipulation, violence and homicide.

Anyone can be taken advantage of by someone using a dating app to take advantage of others. It can happen to men or women of any sexual orientation. I am writing this is written from the point of view of a heterosexual woman. I believe we are the most vulnerable.

Men who seek to hurt women are using dating websites to lure women in order to abuse and kill them. I’m not going to quote statistics. Go on You Tube and look at local news stories from across the US. Men killing women is very common. Often women are killed by men they met on a dating website.

These are strategies I used while I was using internet dating websites. This is not about victim blaming. This is about protecting yourself and avoiding people and situations that can be harmful. That is the first line of defense. There is risk that goes along with giving men access to yourself. That means there is risk involved with being alone with men.

The odds are in your favor. Most men are not murderers or rapists. But enough of them are violent sociopaths for a single woman to be concerned about her personal safety while dating. The local news across the US is filled with stories of women going on dates and being robbed, raped or murdered. You have one life and if someone hurts or kills you there is no second chance. Avoid gambling with your property, body or life. A date and chance at romance is not worth the risk.

Take Your Time

When you meet people on line take your time during the conversation stage. Be judgemental and critical. Look for signs of anger, rudeness or that he is taking direction from so called dating gurus on social media. Those people are almost always toxic.

Don’t trust men that are in a rush. Con artists want to move quickly. They want to find a victim, exploit her and drain her with speed and stealth. Time is on women’s side. Any time you think you’re ready to meet a man in person. Wait a week. Don’t be anxious. If he has genuine interest and respects women he will wait until you are comfortable.

He’s a Stranger

Even if you’ve been talking to a man for a while he is still a stranger. You don’t know him. He is not your friend. Your date is a stranger and should be treated as such. Keep him at arm’s length and don’t make yourself vulnerable right away.

Have Strict Rules for Meeting Places

When I was meeting online dates I chose chain restaurants. Most American chain restaurants have a similar layout. They have windows wrapped around and they are surrounded by a parking lot. The windows create potential witnesses. Park as close to the door as possible. When you pull up to the restaurant try and find a parking spot in front of a window where customers are already seated.

A first meeting with a man you met on the internet is not about being wined and dined. It’s not a matter of being impressed. It’s simply a meeting just like a job interview where both sides put in face time to see if there is further interest on both sides.

Meet During Daylight

Meet during daylight. Make sure you have enough time so that you can leave and it’s still light outside. This gives you a better chance at having a witness if a man does something psycho. It also makes the date more respectable if you can leave before the sunsets. Part company after the meal. Staying out too late makes you vulnerable. You may get more relaxed. There are more opportunities for you to be hurt. A table in a restaurant is a fairly safe space.

Don’t Drink

Don’t drink on a first on line date. I don’t care if you like to drink. You’re better off going out alone after the date and having a cocktail. Drinking will make you less inhibited and vulnerable.

Don’t Share a Car

You’ve gone out with the guy and he seems nice. Great. He’s still a stranger. He’s not your friend. He’s not your boyfriend. Wait a long time before you get in his car or let him get in yours. Use your own transportation. If you usually get around town on the bus. Stay on the bus or call a cab. Don’t make yourself vulnerable and put yourself in the semi private environment of a car.

Let Someone Know Where You Are

I understand wanting to keep your dating life private from family and friends. But let someone know who you are spending time with and where you are going. Let a co worker, out of state relative, neighbor or someone know what’s going on. Let them know why you are telling them this. It’s good to have a person that will check back with you and make sure you made it back home. If something goes wrong at least there is a liaison to communicate with the police.

Don’t Let Yourself Be Bullied

Anyone that can’t understand a woman being cautious about meeting men on line does not care about women. They are not your friend and they are either foolish or seeking to exploit you. You as a woman are the vulnerable party. Stand your ground and maintain proper boundaries. If you’re not ready to go out don’t. If something seems off block.

Don’t Go Home With Him

I don’t mean to be a prude or the fun police but take a long time before going to his house. Sex with a stranger isn’t worth the risk. There are many risks but I’m talking about the immediate risk of being robbed and or killed. You’re the vulnerable party and you are leaving a lot up to chance by putting yourself in an intimate situation with a stranger.

Have Your Own Money

I don’t believe in going Dutch but be prepared to pay your own way. Be able to pay for your own meal if things go awry. Be able to get yourself home.

Men are victimized by people they meet on dating apps too. I write from my point of view as a heterosexual woman. We are the vulnerable party and that should not be forgotten. Be smart, strategic and not too anxious. Take your time and listen to your instincts. I want to emphasize take your time. Time is on the woman’s side at this stage of the relationship.

The Reason Relationships Fail part 2

Science is not my strong suit. But I do remember a few things from high school chemistry class. I remember doing experiments and if a chemical got contaminated the experiment was ruined and we had to start over or not get credit for the assignment. We were instructed on how not to contaminate the chemical in order to not waste time and risk failure. There were meticulous details on how to handle containers with the chemicals. Handling the chemicals and their containers was a lesson within itself.

Relationships fail because they become contaminated and later turn toxic. The contaminants are things like dishonesty, anger, mean words, disrespect and insincerity. Once a relationship is contaminated you may need to start over because it’s ruined. By starting over I mean find a new partner or be happily single. Starting over is disappointing but it’s better than trying to maintain a tainted relationship.

The best thing a new couple can do is try to keep the relationship pure by being nice, understanding, honest and having good communication. You have to handle each other with care. The extra effort is worthwhile unless you see the relationship as disposable from the start.

I remember that some experiments could be saved with another chemical that can clean contaminants. Patience, understanding and forgiveness can clean up toxins along with changed behavior. Sometimes the experiment is too far gone to be restored.

My conclusion is to keep a new relationship pure with honesty, good communication, and nice behavior. Don’t see relationships as disposable. Even if you don’t care about a relationship turning toxic because you see it as disposable you will contaminate yourself. Relationships can be detoxed with understanding and forgiveness but it’s never quite the same as it was before the toxins being introduced. Move forward with new relationships with caution. You don’t want irreparable contaminate your new pairing so you don’t have to start over with a new one or choose singleness.

The Reason Relationships Fail

There is one reason relationships fail: unmet expectations. That fact is true regardless of the type of relationship. Whether it be romantic, professional, friendship or family relationships they all end because expectations were not met . This essay is about romantic relationships. For context, this is from a heterosexual perspective. I believe that men should pursue and initiate and women set the parameters and standards for a relationship.

If the proper respect and communication is in place a relationship it can be salvaged through honest conversations and adjustments when expectations are not being met. Without the proper respect and communication the relationship will crumble due to the disappointment and hard feelings.

The beginning of dating relationships is great because you don’t expect a lot from people you haven’t known long. At the beginning of a dating relationship your suitor is a mere cute and charming stranger or casual acquaintance. It’s best to make your intentions and expectations know while the relationship is still new.

Unfortunately, people aren’t always honest about their intentions and they take advantage of the gray area that exists in a new relationship. Sometimes people have no idea what they really want so they go along to get along. The woman usually decides when the gray area should become more defined. The definition is on a graduated scale. The woman is usually the one conscious of the graduated scale.

People have define commitment in various ways 2021. It comes in the form of traditional marriage, co habitation or perhaps just a steady date and companion. Feelings and expectations change over time as a relationship goes on. Regardless of what commitment looks like a woman may feel that she is entitled to a certain level of respect and consideration in a longer relationship. If the man does not satisfy the woman’s expectations the relationship will begin to unravel.

The relationship can be saved through communication and coming to an agreement. If both parties value the relationship enough to save it an understanding needs to be reached in order to stay together in a harmony. Or they can agree to disagree and split up which is also a valid choice.

What often happens after a couple has been together for a while is that the woman is interested in a commitment or at least for the relationship to be clearly defined. She wants to know exactly how the man feels about her. She wants to know if there is a future with the man. Men often want to stay in the undefined, gray area as long possible. But the woman’s feelings are always going to change and grow with time if she has any genuine feelings for the man. With that comes greater expectations.

She will probably expect more from him as far as time, respect, affection commitment, etc. If he isn’t prepared to honor her expectations that the relationship will either end, they won’t get along or she will stay and be unhappy. It comes down to figuring out if you have the same goals in mind from the start, respect and communication. This is a make or break time for couples. It’s time to decide to break up or commit.

It’s all pretty simple but people are often dishonest from the outset and don’t communicate in riddles. A relationship like this is doomed to fail. I don’t think anyone should date before eighteen. Therefore, dating is for adults. Adults are responsible for communicating what they want. If an intelligent adult is acting like they can’t communicate and verbalize feelings after an adequate amount of getting to know the person I think they are being manipulative. Do with it as you will.

Love is a gamble but know when to give up. Some relationships can be like throwing your money into a lousy slot machine. In dating relationships it’s not hard to express how you feel about someone. If feelings are genuine you should be eager to let your partner know how you feel. You should want to assure your partner. In a cold world your relationship should be a warm, fuzzy safe place. Not a source of confusion, frustration, misunderstanding and stress. There’s nothing wrong with being a quitter.

Marry Smart: Book Review

Marry Smart is a relationship advice book for young, career oriented women by Susan Patton. I think it’s worth the read. It’s quick and Ms. Patton gives sound, practical and realistic advice to young women who aspire to marriage and motherhood.

Susan Patton is an HR professional and Princeton graduate who wrote a controversial letter to the editor of the campus newspaper of her alma mater. The letter advised young women to focus on finding a husband with as much or more energy as they do in starting a career. The letter garnered a lot of attention. Enough conversation was aroused by the letter that Susan wrote a book explaining her opinions on young women, careers, marriage and motherhood. I remember seeing Susan on morning TV programs like Today and The View when the book was released in 2014.

Susan was criticized in the mainstream and by feminists but what she was saying on the talk show circuit made sense to me. The author urges young women to be honest with themselves. If they want to marry and have children pursue that goal as they would any other. Be strategic. That’s the bottom line.

Susan states that the best time in a woman’s life to find a husband is while in college. She advises young women to make finding a spouse a priority while they are young and in school because that’s when youth, social surroundings and fertility are in a woman’s favor.

The odds of finding a desirable and compatible husband are in a young woman’s favor while she is on campus. She’s around men that are educated, career oriented, young, most likely single and childless. After graduation it’s nearly impossible to simulate that kind of social setting. The author advised women to remain active in alumni activities if they don’t find a husband while a student. It’s pretty simple and common sense.

Ms. Patton says that if you know you want to marry pursue it as a goal and be mindful of your time. Pop culture leads women to believe that they will meet the perfect mate by chance. Mainstream American Christianity preaches that The Lord will bring you the perfect spouse. I don’t think these romantic notions are fruitful.

I would encourage young women to be deliberate in their dating choices, have goals and be mindful of time . I think that Marry Smart offers great advice to women regardless of their educational and career goals. Any young woman can read this book and apply it to their own life and circumstances.

My criticism of this book is that it lasts a little longer than is necessary. Susan’s advice delves into some other areas that can help a lady be a success in life but it does get to be a bit superfluous near the end. It feels like Susan’s editor had a word requirement and she needed to stretch.

Generally speaking I think relationship advice is terrible. But Ms. Patton’s advice is based on simple biology. Women have been set up to fail by ignoring biology. The author is a bit harsh but I think it comes from a good, loving, maternal place. It’s worth a read. I listened to an audio book version which lasted about seven hours.

Modern Dating Scam: The Ride or Die Chick – Anna Duggar and Yandy: a case study

Anna Duggar and Yandy Smith don’t have a lot in common other than being cable reality TV personalities. Anna Duggar married into the fundamentalist Christian Duggar family of TLC reality TV show fame. Yandy is known from the VH1 program “Love and Hip Hop New York” . Both were married on TV to men that would end up incarcerated. Other than reality TV Anna and Yandy share the dubious distinction of being ride or die chicks and having it all blow up in their faces the same week.

Anna’s husband Josh was arrested for possession of child pornography two weeks ago. Josh is currently out on bail. Those kind of allegations are always shocking but Josh has been accused of sexual misconduct in the past. When Josh was young he sexually assaulted his younger sisters while they were asleep. Josh did not serve any time for what he did to his sisters. Instead he went through therapy at his church. Josh who grew up in a strict Christian household and he has also been caught on websites for married people seeking to cheat on their spouse.

All of the revelations came out in 2015. At the time Anna and Josh had four children. Anna made the decision to stay in her marriage and remain loyal to her husband. One would think that Josh would change his ways after being exposed in the media and publicly humiliating his wife. Instead he got worse and the allegations became even more dubious. Anna’s forgiveness, loyalty, patience and love didn’t amount to anything.

Yandy and her husband Mendeecees have been featured on “Love and Hip Hope New York” and “Couples Retreat”. Mendeecees was convicted on drug related charges and served four years in prison. His wife Yandy waited for him and supported him faithfully during his incarceration. She also became a prison reform activist.

An episode of “Couples Retreat” recently aired and Mendeecees was asked if he would support Yandy the way she supported him if she was incarcerated. He said he doesn’t know how he would react if the roles were reversed. The man that promised to be by her side through good times and bad admitted on a reality TV show that his vows were not sincere. Again, Yandy’s love and devotion amounted to a hill of beans. Her love is unrequited and unmatched. Yandy wasted her time and energy. She gained absolutely nothing.

I too have been a ride or die chick. About fifteen years ago I dated a man who was in the Army. The relationship happened while American troops were being deployed to Iraq. I thought I was in love with this man and I threw myself into supporting my soldier. I called him sometimes, wrote him and sent him things that he asked for. I watched the news every night and cried in front of the TV when the loss of troops was reported.

One day with tears in my eyes I tried to visualize my suitor sitting in front of the TV crying for me. I couldn’t see it. It didn’t seem feasible. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I began to question his feelings and intentions for me. He became dramatic and argumentative. I began to distance myself from him after that and the relationship fizzled out and ended. I wasted my energy, time, emotions and money. My love, care, loyalty, patriotism and devotion to this man amounted to nothing.

I took a long break from dating after that relationship. I remained completely single for about eight years before I took an interest in dating again. In those eight years I learned to make sure that any many I dated proved genuine interest and good intentions to me. I learned to take my time to ensure that a man invested in me. I am not interested in reciprocity. I’m interested in leadership. I don’t want tit for tat. I want a man that chooses me and proves to me that he is worthy to be a loyal husband.

Once I started dating again my circumstances improved. I have a boyfriend now who is clutch and very cute. But aside from that I learned how to get rid of men that weren’t showing me that they were sincere early on. Women need to understand that it doesn’t matter how much she loves a man. It doesn’t amount to anything. It matters how much he loves you.

Don’t be a ride or die chick. No sincere man wants a woman to be a ride or die chick. Only selfish men want that. A man with good intentions wants to be ride or die for her. A man that loves a woman wants her to be as stress and burden free as possible. He wants her to know that she can rely on him is she has struggles. It’s never the other way around.

Modern Dating Scam:  Candor and Honesty

I believe that candor and honesty are important in a relationship.  In a perfect world everyone would be upfront and honest during the courtship period.  However, we don’t live in a perfect world.  Men engage in dating like relationships all the time for various reasons and they aren’t always forthcoming about their end game. 

Women usually start dating men with the hope that they will find a long lasting relationship or possibly marriage.  This post is for the benefit of women.  This is advice on how to conserve your time and energy and how to protect your heart.

In my dating experiences I have always been upfront and honest about my intentions, standards and expectations.  That was a mistake.  I was honest with people that didn’t deserve it.  I revealed things about myself that made me vulnerable to manipulation and I was taken advantage of and used.

I’m not saying that women should lie when they meet a new suitor.  (I’m also not saying they shouldn’t).  I’m saying that women should hold their cards close to their chest.  Don’t tell him that your goal is marriage and children.  A woman would tell a man that so that if he has different intentions he can go about his way. 

Sometimes that works but sometimes he will ride the wave as long as he can.  I’ve been amazed in my life at how far some people will take a lie.  Men will take fake relationships until the bottom falls out of them.  If a man knows that that is your goal he knows he can waste 1-2 years of your time or more and then just break up. 

To you his sticking around is an implication that the relationship could turn into an engagement, marriage and happy family. The illusion of that can be used as a carrot to dangle in front of you.  All your honesty did was let him know how much of your time he can waste.  Men are out here having long relationships and starting families with women and never revealing their true intentions.

Observe and be judgmental as hell.  Be petty.  Quietly tear him apart.  Make decisions as you go along about whether he is what you want or not and if you’re compatible.  Don’t be afraid to cut ties.  Don’t be afraid to block numbers.  This is your life.

Studio shot of beautiful young woman playing poker. Black And White.

Don’t share your values.  Men lie and will put on whatever persona they think they need to in order to bask in your energy.  If you have strong political opinions and you could never be friends with a person with opposing views don’t say that up front.  Let him reveal his values and then you decide if they match yours or not. 

The same goes for religion or lack thereof.  Let a man reveal his spiritual life to you.  If he is compatible with you great.  If his beliefs are disagreeable to you cut ties and quietly move along.  No explanation is needed and nothing is owed.

When I used to use dating apps a common question was:  “So what are you looking for?”  I was always honest and told them.  I wish my answer had been “it depends on the kind of guy you are” or “that depends on what you want”.  Try and make them talk. 

If they start talking about vibes and s— you should probably bail.  If he says “let’s see how it goes”, abort mission.  He is lonely and just wants to enjoy your feminine energy.  He wants to toy with you. 

He doesn’t deserve your time and energy.  Even if you aren’t looking for marriage or a long term relationship this probably isn’t a man worth your time.  He is aimlessly kicking a can down the street of life.  That’s not what you need if you are over the age of twenty two.

If a man invests time in you he will learn your heart, mind, values and what you want for your future.  In time you will know if he’s a person that can be trusted with your secrets and if he deserves honesty.  There’s no reason to put it all out there too early. 

It’s important for you to know what you want.  It’s important for you to have standards.  It’s important for you to know the terms of a relationship you may want or don ‘t want.  It’s not important for your date to know.  Make them earn privileged information by proving that they can be trusted with it.

Men are fake and phony.  They are chameleons and con artists.  Most of them don’t really have any personality or spine.  Most men today will conform to any situation or opportunity placed before them.  But if you meet one that is genuine he will prove himself to be a gentleman who you can trust. 

That takes time so don’t rush things by blabbing about your standards and what kind of relationship you want right out of the gate.  If you reveal too much too early you will probably get a yes man.  If you’re a nice honest person that wouldn’t think of lying you naively will think you met a good match but in reality he just molded himself into someone that the thinks you will have sex with. 

So don’t share too much information.  Offer the absolute bare minimum.  Keep conversation light and say as little as possible.  If communication ceases,  good.  He probably didn’t have any genuine interest in you as a human being and wasn’t prepared to invest in a relationship.  Move on. 

It doesn’t really benefit you.  Women get too anxious in the dating game these days.  You don’t have to worry about wasting your time and energy if you don’t invest too much time and energy in men that haven’t been vetted.  Keep your cool and relax. 

Don’t reveal too much up front and take your time.  I’m not saying to lie as much as I’m saying to shut up and don’t offer too much information.  Your date isn’t entitle to that.  Honesty needs to be a two way street so make sure you’re not dealing with a snake before you start pouring your heart out.

Dating Scam: Low Bidding

I’ve discussed a few modern dating scams on this blog.  Low bidding is a tactic utilized by users, leeches and people with low self esteem.  (The leech can be male or female and any sexual orientation.  But I write from a heterosexual female point of view.)  They want a person (usually a woman) that is out of their reach.  Instead of using their energy and time trying to become a person (usually a man) that can get their dream date they settle.

Settling is not a bad thing if you have some appreciation for what you are settling for.  You may have wanted a juicy steak for dinner but you will settle for a can of ravioli.  Ravioli is delicious, inexpensive easy to make and convenient.  Sometimes it’s appropriate for the situation.  We’ve all settled at some point.  But if you’re going to be resentful and bitter instead of appreciative and grateful about the opportunity that presented itself to you please don’t settle.  Hold out for what you really want and leave the can of ravioli on the shelf for someone that would request canned ravioli for their last meal.  It’s all relative.

And settling is not a bad thing.  In this case I will call it redirection.  We all have a wish list and sometimes we find out the things on our list are not what they are cracked up to be, in short supply or the admiration is not returned.  At that point of getting checked by reality you need to recalculate your course and plan a new strategy.  We’ve all done it.  It’s called growing up.

Let’s say that a gentleman meets you and you hit some of his metrics.  You’re good enough for somethings but not others.  You may be good enough for the night time but not the day time.  You might be good enough for friends with benefits but not good enough to meet his friends.  He might put in a low bid.  Examples of low bidding are:

  • going dutch on dates
  • being vague about intentions
  • sexual innuendo/lack of respect
  • poor treatment

He’s letting you know from the start what he thinks you’re worth.  Only a desperate woman would accept any of the bids in the bullet points.  It’s up to you to set a high value  for yourself.  You can’t wait for men to value you because many of them don’t value themselves, women in general or long term relationships.  The term “pump and dump” comes to mind.

low bid

This photo came from an about bidding on materials in the construction business.  It illustrates why low bids can be a waste of time.  Here is the article if you are interested.

The Frustrating Truth About Deliberate Low Bids – No One Really Wins!

These men don’t value themselves as human beings if they are willing to share their body with any woman that will allow it.  That’s particularly true if they are having unprotected sex.  They don’t even care about potential offspring or their health.  And no, this isn’t a man being a man.  It’s a jerk being a jerk.  Jerk can be applied to either gender or the ones in between that I don’t quite understand.

If low bidders thought they could get a woman that met their standards to love and respect them they would pursue that.  They don’t think they can because they lack confidence.  Male language on social media reflects this.  Men that say they need to “get themselves together” or “get their money up” before pursuing a long term relationship are pretty much stating that they don’t have what it takes at the moment to attract a woman that they find worthy.  They don’t think of themselves as worthy.

I’m not saying that finances are not an issue.  But so is personality and couples can grow together.  And poverty is not an excuse to use another person.  If you want to wait until you’ve made your first million to pursue a relationship that is a respectable plan.  But don’t bother other people while you’re trying to achieve that goal.  You’ll probably get there faster without the distractions anyway.

Low bidding is a sign of a potential abusive partner.  He (or she) may do or say mean and inconsiderate things to see what their new potential partner is willing to tolerate.  They may like to control and exploit their partner.  Domination and intimidation is validating for bullies.

During the early stages of a relationship you should jump ship at the first sign of disrespect.  It’s easier to leave in the beginning because a big investment hasn’t been made.  A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and bad situations usually don’t get better.  You just need to remove yourself from harmful relationships and the sooner you can do it the better.

The beginning stages of dating are an observation period.  If you observe troublesome behavior block the number and go on with your life.  Don’t allow low bidders to insult you and don’t entertain them if they decide to come back around.  If you allow them back into your life after kicking them out then you are behaving more desperate than you would have if you accepting them in the first place.  A leopard doesn’t change its spots and bad situations usually don’t get better.

leopard

He’s about to eat you up!

Imagine if you had a car for sale and you were aware of the Blue Book value.  You realistically assessed your car so you have a good idea of what you can get for it.  If you’re a smart business person you’re not going to accept a ridiculously low bid.  You’re going to disregard the low bidder as not serious and not allow them to waste anymore of your time.  Just block the number.

I made the comparisons to a single person on the dating market to meals and cars.  I’m just trying to make a point about a bidding process.  There are some things like real estate and cars that aren’t good values so they won’t warrant a high price.  However, human being are not property and inanimate objects.  No one is called to be used in a demolition derby, stripped for parts or torn down for what’s underneath them.  An Omaha 7 may never date an LA 9 but everyone that is nice deserves a suitable and loving partner.

The Modern Dating Scam: the Bait and Switch Date

There are a lot of scams involved in dating these days.  Before you can look for love you need to be sure that they’re not simply looking to use you.  I’ve noticed a dating trend over the last few years.  I’m going to call it the bait and switch date and here’s how it works.

Let’s say a man and woman take interest in each other so they make a date.  It’s Wednesday and they plan a day at a park for Sunday afternoon.  As it gets close to time for the date the man finds a reason to modify the plans.  He will come up with an excuse as to why the date that was planned won’t work on Sunday morning.

He may give excuses like:

  • It’s going to be a bit cool.  (The seven day forecast told us that.  Wear a jacket.)
  • He has hay fever. (Didn’t he know that before?)
  • He wants to see you but he has to do something later that night so he will be pressed for time.  He doesn’t want to be rushed.  (When did that come up?  Why did you even make this plan with me if you had something to do later?)

As far as you’re concerned the plans can be canceled and we can see each other a different day.   We can do something all together different if a firm plan is put into place.  But he says that he wants to see you today.  (Awww)  You’ve taken the bait.  You’ve already agreed to spend time with him and reserved a block of time for him.

He had no desire or probably intention to ever go to the park.  His wheels have been turning for the last few days to see how an afternoon in the park can end up with time alone so he can try and have sex with you.  He may also have made a suggestion that he thought you would like to butter you up.  An idea of a pleasant afternoon may be enough to get you on the hook.

fish on the hook

Here’s the switch.  So now he suggests that the two of you meet up for drinks or a bite to eat at a bar or cafe near his house instead of going to the park and the two of you can talk and see where the afternoon goes.

switcheroo

Don’t trust men when they say “Let’s see where it goes”.  Don’t trust them ever.  Just don’t.  Hit the eject button.  Flakiness in men is usually a smoke bomb which creates a confusing gray area for them to exploit and people can be hurt that way to varying degrees.

smoke bomb

In my opinion it would be a lot more respectful and mature if a man said, “Hey, I’m interested in casual sex this afternoon.  Are you up for it?  I have no interest in a long term commitment from you but you are kind of sexy.”  The woman is then empowered to say yes or no.  She can even open the conversation up to terms, conditions and negotiations.

negotiations

But they don’t want to negotiate and put everything out on the table because they don’t want women to be empowered in that way.  The US workforce works the same way.  There’s a reason union labor has dwindled.  Negotiations empowered marginalized workers.  The workers got a chance to have their voices heard and companies were bound to an agreement.  Large companies didn’t like that so they undermined union labor.  The sexual revolution and feminism undermined and eroded women’s bargaining power.  Men are no longer bound to anything but their own needs.

The world is run by men.  They know how to make decisions, speak their mind and come to compromises.  That’s why I look for leadership in men when it comes to personal relationships.  To me leadership involves being able to make a firm decision and having the ability to make plans.  Waffling back and forth is not attractive.  I’ve learned that when men are being flaky and vague it’s not confusion it’s deception.  He is pulling a bait and switch.