Most Social Media Dating Advice is Pure Garbage! (but listen to this)

The vast majority of dating advice that is dished out on social media is absolutely ridiculous.  I don’t think that a lot of these people have even had more than three dates with the same person.  But I am here to help with my bit of dating advice and it may be the last advice you need and I have career experience to qualify what I am saying.

Like pairs up with like.  That’s it.  If you haven’t met that special someone yet it’s not that there is necessarily anything wrong with you.  It’s you just haven’t met your match yet.  I worked in the jewelry retail business for about six years on a part time or full time basis.

I sold jewelry for companies such as Zales, Kay, Helzberg and a small local jeweler.  I helped couples shop for engagement rings and gifts.  The thing I noticed over time is that couples mirrored each other.  Quiet people were with quiet people.  Outgoing people were with outgoing people.  Intellectual was with intellectual.  Arrogant linked up with arrogant.  You get the picture.

I think the biggest barrier people have with dating is not staying in their lane.  One of my favorite TV shows is “90 Day Fiance”.  It’s a reality show that tells the stories of couples that were in international romances navigating the immigration system, family turmoil and culture shock.  A common theme on the show is people trying to date people that are significantly younger.

In most of the couples the only way the older person has the opportunity to date a person in their twenties is if they have an economic edge.  If the younger party was from the US they most likely wouldn’t consider the older person for romance.   Most of these people are not wealthy so they go overseas and choose a partner from a poor country.  The result is a hit TV show but most of these relationships have struggles and some fail.  They didn’t stay in their lane.

I don’t think dating is about hitting a mark.  It’s about finding someone that compliments you.  One thing that I don’t think people understand is that you don’t have the right to expect something out of a person that you don’t offer yourself.  You shouldn’t expect to date someone fit if you’re not in shape.  You can’t judge someone for their amount of sexual partners if you’ve been on the ho stroll for years.  You don’t deserve someone with good finances if you are terrible with money.

Even if you attracted someone that was your ideal your differences may cause many struggles if you’re able to find common ground at all.  If you’re a neat freak you probably won’t get very far with a slob.  A pious person probably wouldn’t get along with an atheist in intimate circumstances.  The list goes on and on.

Throw out all value judgements on who society tells you to love.  Be honest about what you have to offer and find someone that complements you.  When I worked in the jewelry business I met a lot of well cared for women that didn’t look like supermodels and had probably been around the block a bit but their men fit the same description.  I’ve heard stories of couples meeting in AA meetings and detention in high school.   Look for love where you are and from someone that reminds you…of you.

WORST DATE EVER!

I’ve never been all that lucky in love but I’ve never had a really bad date either.  That is until yesterday.  I had the worst date ever.  I met a 54 year old man on OK Cupid named Ron.  We met for lunch yesterday.  This is our story.

I don’t take on line dating seriously but I decided to give it a try (again).  I chat with people for fun but it would be wonderful to meet the love of my life.  So I had been talking to Ron.  The interaction was nothing special.  I spoke with him on the phone a few times.  Again sparks didn’t fly.  He suggested that we meet and against my better judgment I agreed to meet him.

I would prefer to not go out with someone until we developed some familiarity and had a few enjoyable conversations with each other.  I think that if two people even decide to go on a date it should be kind of special.  Ron is one of these people that like to treat dating as if it is a job interview.  He asked a lot of questions about my previous relationships with men and my current dating habits that really kind of turned me off.  He also said that he needed to meet someone in person to see if he really liked them or not.  Once again I was a bit put off by this.  But I decided to set aside some time to see him yesterday.

I was going to get in touch with him and tell him that I wasn’t interested in meeting.  But I was really hungry after church yesterday and I figured since I needed to get something to eat I would invite him to meet me at a sandwich shop.  He suggested we go to a winery in the center of town and I agreed to that.

I wasn’t familiar with the place and he told me that it was next to Barnes & Noble at the corner of Broadway and 47th Street in Kansas City.  I knew where the Barnes & Noble was so I parked near there and walked towards the corner.  I didn’t see any restaurant on any corner.  I called him and asked him for further directions.  He said it’s near McCormick & Schmick which was in the other direction.  So I walked back up the block toward McCormick & Schmick and saw no other restaurants other than a coffee shop.  I got the name of the place when I spoke to him and I Googled it and found out the entrance was on Broadway.  I never would have found the place if it wasn’t for Google Maps.  I had been walking back and forth on 47th Street in a black dress with a scarf on in about 85 degree heat.

He calls me again and ask me where I am.  I told him I was on my way.  He repeats it’s on the corner of 47th and Broadway.  The daft man never seemed to understand that the landmarks he gave me were all on 47th Street and the entrance was around the corner on Broadway.  Anyway, I find my way in and sit at the table and he says “I don’t understand why you had a hard time finding it”.  I tried to explain that I was on the wrong street from the entrance.  He continues to be defensive about his directions with me.  I just say I’m sorry for being late to end it.

So we start talking and he starts with a bunch of questions.  When was your last relationship?  How long did they last?  Why did they end?  Were you in love with them?  What would your exes say about you?  Do you ever approach men that you like?  Seriously, it was just like a job interview.  Towards the end he even asked if I had any questions for him.  I told him no and he seemed frustrated or perhaps disappointed.

Ron says he likes to get to the point because he doesn’t want to waste time.  I think I’m a pretty pleasant person to be around so I don’t think that spending time with me is ever a waste.  Once again, I was disenchanted with Mr. Ron.

He mentioned that he talked to a woman on Tinder once and at one point she mentioned that she was celibate.  He said that he was no longer interested in her and he was mad that she wasted his time.  He thought that she should have put that at the top of her profile because he invested a lot of time messaging her on Tinder.  Ron thinks that this woman owes men that information.  What a shame.At the beginning stages of what could be a relationship I treat it as an observation stage.  I just want to see how a person acts and what actions they take.  I want to see if we can have a decent enjoyable conversation together.  Anyone one can give a nonsense answer to a question.  And Ron has been in sales for ten years so I’m sure he’s good at telling people what they want to hear.

In fact I caught Ron in a lie.  In one of our phone conversations I asked him if he grew up in Kansas City.  He said yes.  I asked him if his family was here.  He said yes, all of them were here.  During dinner he told me that his daughter lived in Texas with her three girls.  Why one Earth would you lie about something like that?  The man is lying about things that make no difference what so ever.

Ron was also just plain rude.  Not only did he scold me for not being able to follow his bad directions and I caught him in a lie but he had the nerve to ask me how much I weighed.  When I told him he challenged me and said that he didn’t believe that.  This man is fifty four years old and this is the level of social grace that he has.  Good grief.

He also decided to give me dating advice.  He told me that I should put more than one picture up on my dating profile and one should be a full body shot because men are visual.  I told him to look at my Instagram page because I have over 500 pictures on there.  He mentioned that I wore hats in a few pictures and he was wondering if I had hair.  What a charming lunch date.  He was on the same website and he’s eleven years older than me.  Perhaps he shouldn’t be giving out dating advice.

The waitress dropped the check while I was finishing desert.  The key lime pie was excellent and it was worth me going out that afternoon.  It sat there until I finished desert and was ready to leave.  I put my debit card in the book to take care of the bill and Ron pulls out his wallet.  He wanted me to give him a ten back for his twenty.  Fortunately, I had a ten dollar bill so he took care of his portion of lunch.  What a gentleman!

So we leave the restaurant and we say good bye with an awkward hand shake in front of the entrance on BROADWAY.  It was strange because he seemed to kind of like me.  He never seemed that way during dinner.  So I walk away and turn the corner onto 47th Street and head back to my car that’s about two blocks away next to Barnes & Noble.

He texted me later that night and said it was nice to meet me with a blushing happy face emoji.  I don’t really know what that means.  I said “Thanks, you too” to be polite.  Later on I decided to delete all of his texts, his contact number, block his number from my phone and unmatch with him on OK Cupid.  He’s a man that values his time so I won’t even waste his time by communicating with him again.

In a way I’m glad I met Ron yesterday because I can now cross him out of my life with no doubts.  But my belief was reinforced that my first instincts about people are usually correct.  I tried a new restaurant which was a nice place with fantastic key lime pie.  (I gave them a good review on Google).

Respect is Required

Women need to require respect; not love, attention or affection.  It all comes down to respect and if my theory is correct the rest will follow.  It’s just a theory because no one has proven me right yet.  Respect is black and white and you know it when you see it.  Love is harder to identify and affection is cheap these days.

Women seem to be a bit desperate in 2017 and it’s pretty sad.  We have more professional opportunities than we’ve ever had and we can make our own choices when it comes to relationships.  But many of us seem to be choosing to run after the chance to be loved as if we are puppies that have been left home alone all day.

I did that type of things in my younger more naive days.  I use to assume that if a man was calling you daily and taking you out he was interested in a relationship that would lead to marriage.  I’ve learned that men will engage in relationships for years with women that they have no intention of marrying.  I went through one relationship like that in my starry eyed mid twenties and then I did it again during my scary age, the early thirties.

These men were not bad people and I don’t really fault them for anything.  But I gave them my heart after receiving a little bit of attention and affection.  I didn’t make them prove to me that they respected me as a woman.  I don’t even think I knew what that meant at the time.

Women are being told that we are wrong for being too emotional in relationships and wanting a commitment.  Sorry guys but I’m a woman and this isn’t a porn movie where you can separate the woman from her vagina.  Women tend to want to be committed and eventually married.  I understand that there are exceptions to rules but that’s typically how women are.

Because the world doesn’t really respect a feminine nature relationships are now being played by men’s rules.  Men are under no pressure to commit to women or even be nice to them.  But sex is expected in casual relationships right away.  Women often feel pressure to have sex just to get the chance at another date.  The men will take the sex and they may call her again or they may not.  Men may live with the mother of their children for years and he may marry her or he may not.  It’s all up to him and what he feels like doing.

I’ve heard the cliche that marriage is just a piece of paper and it doesn’t make a commitment.  I’ve heard women say this.  But it’s funny that after dating several years when the man asks the women usually say yes.  She’s been waiting around with baited breath for years and now the man feels that she is the best option after looking around the market he commits.

I think that if a woman just wants a casual or even mostly sexual relationship she had better make sure a man respect her first.  I don’t see how anyone can get turned on by someone they have doubts about.  In 2017 if you don’t have doubts about a person you might start seeing you haven’t been paying attention.  If a lady is not wanting marriage or an ongoing romance she should at least want the man to be nice to her and care for her well being.  I don’t see how even a casual fling can be worthwhile without basic respect.

Once a man has respect for a woman I think love and affection will follow.  All of us girls need to relax and stop being so anxious.  Too many of us are anxious to be some man’s concubine.  People are proud of it these days.  Just look at this picture of Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez.

jrod

I know I shouldn’t feel bad for someone like Jennifer Lopez but I do.  This seems desperate and childish to me.  This woman is well into her forties for goodness sake and the mother of two.  She is wealthy and has a very successful career as a pop singer.  Why is she so proud to be this man’s piece of tail?  I don’t think that a man with good intentions treats the woman that he loves like this in “Vanity Fair”.  Where is the respect?

I’ve seen several pictures on Instagram of couples where the man is grabbing the woman’s behinds and the women stand there looking satisfied and in love.  I think some of them were engagement photos.  Now why aren’t there pictures of women grabbing men’s crotches and looking at the camera as the proud own while the man looks all starry eyed?  It probably doesn’t happen because men wouldn’t publicly tolerate that type of disrespect.

So ladies, we need to seek respect and the rest will come afterwards.  Don’t be desperate to attach yourself to a man that may not really love you.  I believe the basis of love is respect.  Think about what respect is and what it looks like.  It is probably different for everyone but here is the definition to help.  Notice that tits, ass and sexual prowess is not mentioned in the definition of respect.  That can be found anywhere and none of those things make you valuable beyond the end of a man’s ****.

re·spect
rəˈspekt/
noun
  1. 1.
    a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
    “the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor”
    synonyms: esteemregard, high opinion, admirationreverencedeferencehonor

    “the respect due to a great artist”
  2. 2.
    a particular aspect, point, or detail.
    “the government’s record in this respect is a mixed one”
    synonyms: aspectregardfacetfeaturewaysenseparticularpointdetail

    “the report was accurate in every respect”
verb
  1. 1.
    admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
    “she was respected by everyone she worked with”
    synonyms: esteemadmire, think highly of, have a high opinion of, hold in high regard, hold in (high) esteem, look up to, reverereverencehonor

    “she is highly respected in the book industry”

My Analysis of “Catching Kelce””

I know I’m way late. But I was a bit busy. In fact I didn’t even see the finale of “Catching Kelce” at the time it aired a few weeks ago. I had to have my mom DVR it for me and I watched it several days later. For those of you that don’t know, “Catching Kelce” was a dating show patterned after the “Bachelor” where Kansas City Chiefs tight end looked for love from a group of fifty starry eyed NFL wife hopefuls. I thought about trying out for the show myself but I am far too old. Yes, I looked into it.

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travis-and-dog

I’ll skip right to the end. He picked a young woman from Kentucky named Maya Benberry. I was glad that he picked Maya because she is Black or at least mixed or something. I always cheer on Black people regardless of the contest. It could be the Olympics, a pageant, pro sports, political election or game shows. Before you label me a racist keep in mind that Black women are the least likely demographic to get married. And if you’ve ever watched “The Bachelor” you know that the Black women rarely even make the qualifying round. I’m a Black woman so I support Black people especially women. And regardless of race, if I was a betting woman I would always put my money on the long shot. Black girls are the long shot in everything.

maya

So I’m really glad to see a handsome prosperous bachelor choosing a Black woman but I kind of wish he hadn’t picked that one. Maya was actually one of my least favorite people on the show and even from the field of Black women on the show I think he could have chosen better. I hope Travis is happy because I love him but I just don’t see it. But hind sight is 20/20 and I think she was his favorite from the start. The heart wants what the heart wants I suppose.

My favorite contestant on “Catching Kelce” was Cee Cee from Michigan. I thought she was super cute with a bubbly personality. She was light hearted, funny and didn’t seem to take the show too seriously. But I will say that the idea of Cee Cee and Travis operating as a couple gave me pause. If you are familiar with Travis you know that a pairing between him and a somewhat vapid party girl that enjoys drinking whose friends refer to her as “the Reckless One” may not be the best help mate from an athlete that was once described as having character flaws. Nonetheless Cee Cee was the greatest and I wish her well in life.

ceecee-shaw-catching-kelce-4

I was also fond of Avery. I saw a lot of myself in her. Avery has a reserved personality and was a bit mysterious. I think that Avery is an old fashioned woman that expects a man to earn her love, attention and affection even if you are an NFL star. She didn’t compete heavily with the other women for Travis nor did she dangle her body in front of him like Christmas ornament. I can tell that Avery wants to take her time in order to get to know a man.

avery

People these days like instant validation. They don’t want to take the time to search a person’s mind and heart. The focus is usually sexual gratification, personal validation or ownership. That’s why romance is rare in these modern times. I don’t believe you can ever really fall in love with a person without learning their mind, heart and soul. Intimacy takes time but most don’t want to invest the time. Even Travis said that Avery was a lot of work because of her somewhat aloof personality. But maybe he was right. She might just not been that into him.

The two girls left standing at the finale in Kansas City were Maya and Veronica. They were two of the most competitive and assertive women on the show. They also both have huge boobs. The lovely blonde Veronica from New Jersey was the runner up. I liked Veronica. She seemed like fun and I think she would have been a good pick for Travis. I’m not concerned for her in the least. I’ll bet she ends up marrying one of the Philadelphia Eagles. She would probably like that better anyway.

veronica

Anyway, congratulations to Travis and Maya. I hope the two of them get married and turn the wedding into an E! channel special. I will be sure to tune in. But if it doesn’t work out I hope that there will be a “Catching Kelce II”. I know how difficult it can be to date in Kansas City. I understand Travis. So if there is a “Catching Kelce II” I hope they relax the age restrictions.

travis-kelce-maya

The Crusade for Masculinity – Shannon in Kansas City

Masculinity is hard to find in 2015.  I think that it is a little distorted and attached to some negative connotations.  When I think of ideal masculinity I think of leadership, kindness, protection and one that provides.  Regardless of what we are made to believe I think that that is what women want from the men in their lives.  If women settle for less they will have struggles in their relationships.

In mainstream culture masculinity is seen as negative.  Men that are physically masculine are usually portrayed as less than intelligent or villains of some sort.  On TV husbands and fathers are often made the butt of jokes.  I’m guessing this is what Hollywood writers think a man has to be in order to not be seen as threatening.

I’m an unmarried woman and I feel that men often make themselves a little passive.  They refuse to show any type of leadership.  This is kind of a luxury for men because this way they don’t need to take any responsibility.  This gives them room to avoid paying for anything and they can take advantage of women sexually without any shame.  Many men enjoy their new modern passive role.  The kids call these men f#ckboys.

So many men have abdicated their responsibilities as men in favor of an extended adolescence that can extend into their forties.  They have relationships with women with no intention of commitment.  Sometimes they even have children with these women without ever providing a stable family life for them.  Instead they remain commitment free and continue to party at the clubs and play video games like teenagers.

Men and women are hard wired a certain way to look for certain things from the opposite sex.  Nothing has changed for centuries.  Women want leadership and love and men want respect.  It doesn’t get much more complicated than that.

When women are allowed to take the lead in a relationship I believe that there will ultimate be problems in that relationship.  Women want to be able to look up to their man and have confidence that he will be there to support.  If the woman is consistently placed in the leadership role she will eventually question the purpose of having that man in her life.

Men want to be respected in a relationship.  But if a woman is the chief decision maker and financial support it will be hard for her to give a man the type of respect that he wants.  He will probably seek satisfaction from a different relationship or some type of fantasy such as pornography.

I’m not sure how everything got confused.  I won’t blame feminism because I support women being independent and I think it’s great that women are empowered to make decisions about their own bodies.  But I don’t think that masculinity needs to be subservient for a woman to feel empowered.  I think that many single women yearn for the security that masculinity brings.

The world needs to stop allowing men to take the easy way out.  Men are allowed to behave like adolescents until they are well into adulthood.  Women need to stop allowing men to take the passive role in while dating when we know that that would never satisfy us in a long term relationship.  Women make the rules in courtships.  Expect better and we will get better.  No matter how old you are say no to f#ckboys.  Masculinity is a positive and respectable characteristic that unfortunately doesn’t get enough respect.  You know you want it girls.

The Trouble with Modern Dating

One of the many problems that I’ve found with dating in this age is that people forget to try and make a simple connection.  I believe that romance can not happen until there is a basis of friendship between two people.  That’s not to say that I believe that a man and a woman should be friends only first.  I believe that romance and friendship can blossom simultaneously.

People ask way too many personal questions at the very beginning of a courtship.  It is a complete invasion of privacy.  They always ask the same few questions.

  1. How long was your longest relationship?
  2. When was the last time you were in a relationship?
  3. What went wrong in that relationship?
  4. What kind of guys do you like?
  5. What are you looking for?
  6. Do you have any kids?
  7. Do you want kids?

Geez of Pete.  The interrogation makes me feel like I’m on a job interview or in a pageant or something.  I really don’t even know how to answer the questions.  Well actually, I know the answer to the question but I don’t want to entrust you with the answer because I don’t know you.  You are still a stranger.

I am a friendly person but I do not open up and reveal a lot about myself to people easily.  These guys may genuinely be trying to get to know me but I feel like they are prying.  When did dating become such an invasion of personal space.

I really wish people would just try and find something to talk about.  Find common ground.  If people are going to hit you with a barrage of questions I wish the questions were more like this:

  • Have you read any good books lately?
  • Have you seen any good movies lately?
  • Do you watch any TV shows?
  • Do you know any good places to go out in this town?
  • Do you like sports?  What’s your favorite team?
  • Where did you grow up?
  • Do you have brothers and sisters?

I wish people would focus more on simply getting to know a person as opposed to all the relationship nonsense.  Just because you have a first or second date with a person it does not mean that you and that person will end up in any sort of relationship.  People need to learn to enjoy a person and understand that no one owes anyone anything.  If you can’t simply enjoy a person’s conversation or company at the beginning of a relationship you may be paddling upstream.