Loyalty: One of the Values of a Fake Relationship

I don’t know if these memes are jokes or if they are serious. Nonetheless, it is sad to me that they exist at all.

It seems that modern culture is telling women that they need to prove loyalty to men that are not their husbands or even boyfriends. In return for their loyalty I’m assuming these women get to marry a person that is self centered, manipulative, fake and generally not very nice. What joy!

Men don’t seem to be offering the same kind of loyalty in return, at least not right away. I guess they commit after they’ve exhausted all other options and they’ve wasted a lot of a woman’s time and energy. In other words they capitulate because they’ve wasted their time and now they’re probably not desirable to other women.

These relationships are based on desperation, limited options and limited understanding of a man’s role and a woman’s worth. I’m going to give a few examples of those living under simlar circumstances, demanded loyalty with little to nothing given in return:

Citizens of North Korea

north korea

The citizens of North Korea are required to be loyal to it’s leaders. In return for that loyalty the government doesn’t brutally punish and or execute them. Their loyalty isn’t really love of country as much as it is fear of being sent to a work camp, tortured and killed.

Slaves

Loyalty is demanded of slaves. Without loyalty there would be rebellion. The empowered person would lose complete control. All would be lost. Their sense of importance and probably money would be lost. Loyalty is maintained through violence and psychological bondage.

slave rebellion

Dogs

Dogs are loyal. They don’t ask for much or have very high expectations. All they want is a pat on the head and a bowl of kibble. They’re loyalty comes very cheap. They simply want validation.

dogs

Mom

Moms are great. I love moms. If you ask most people who has always been loyal to them most would say their mom. Moms are loyal to human beings that are essentially useless in the beginning. But moms have high hopes. Babies are cute but they are a lot of work. Young children are exhausting.

Babies are just balls of potential. This type of loyalty is valiant in a mother but it is foolish from women in pseudo romantic relationships.

mom

Men are supposed to show leadership in relationships and if they don’t do that they are not living up to their potential. Once a relationship is established loyalty is a two way street. Two people need to commit to each other and set boundaries for a relationship. No woman wants to be in a relationship where she feels like she is a citizen of a dictatorship, slave, pet or a man’s mother. There is no way true romance can blossom under those conditions. If a man is demanding loyalty without giving it or offering a future you are headed for a fake relationship devised to take advantage of you.

Don’t Date Just Anybody

I got a good response from a post that I made yesterday called Ask 1000 Questions (The Right Questions). I decided to share another humorous gem that I ran across on Facebook a while back.

Ask lots of questions and take your time are both good bits of advice. It’s a good way to avoid the pitfalls of a fake relationship that was devised to use you. Remember that women are the vulnerable party in courtships. Men don’t have much to lose in fake no commitment relationships. Their investment is very small.

Women are more vulnerable to physical harm. Women form emotional attachments easier. Women go through pregnancy regardless if the father is involved or not. Women take on the responsibility of caring for children regardless if father is involved or not. And women are judged more harshly by society for past relationships with men.

It’s in a woman’s best interest to protect herself against the chicanery that is prevalent in the dating world. If a man isn’t willing to show you that he is interested in a commitment then he shouldn’t be allowed to take up a large space in your life. This is a drain of emotional energy that can be redirected somewhere else.

If men and women are going to date without commitment the terms of the relationship should be made clear and both parties should agree. It’s up to the couple to decide on the terms of a relationship. If both parties are honest and agree the details are completely up to them. But if we’re honest women want to be married 9/10.

If a man wants a particular woman he will rise to her standards. If a man is looking for a sex kitten, a security blanket, a nice lady to babysit his kids or someone to help him pay off his truck he is going to find a woman to fit that bill. He will probably never marry her. Once she’s served her purpose he will move on.

I know that people get lonely and desire attention and affection but it’s not worth it if it’s a counterfeit. Counterfeit, cubic zirconia affection causes more problems than being single. So ask 1,000 specific questions and take your time. It’s OK to walk away and if he walks away don’t chase him. Learn to cut your losses because you can’t just date anybody. Good luck everybody.

Ask 1000 Questions (The Right Questions)

Over the weekend I read the advice column Ask E. in “Elle” magazine. A young woman said that she was gradually ghosted by a man that she dated for around a month. He told her that she was not marriage material. The man is long gone but she still feels bad about what he told her. Her letter to “Elle” reminded me of a video that I saw on Facebook years ago.

Creflo Dollar is right. When you meet someone new be sure to ask 1,000 questions at the beginning of the relationship. And be prepared to answer questions. If your suitor isn’t asking much about your motivations or background they probably have shallow reasons for wanting to date you.

Ask the right questions. I think that it is important to find out a person’s motivations for dating. Women make the mistake of thinking that men are motivated by the same things as them. Women are motivated to find long term relationships. Men are motivated to find short term no strings attached sex.

Men are great at wasting time and they have no problem starting a relationship with a woman and faking a courtship in order to get sex until he finds a woman that he really wants for a commitment. It’s one of the biggest scams of the modern age. The fake relationship may last a night, month or a decade. Fake relationships have started entire families. It all seems like a waste of time and energy to me but it’s the way that many men operate.

The woman that wrote to Ask E. didn’t say whether she became intimate with the man. A woman can be ghosted if she refuses to have sex right away or if she has sex and he decides he’s ready to move along. If the man thought she was “wife material” it wouldn’t have mattered. He would have remained in her life without judgement. Men marry promiscuous women all the time. If he likes her he likes her and that’s all she wrote.

So like Creflo Dollar said don’t be afraid to ask 1,000 questions. Don’t start a relationship with a bunch of small talk, banter and meaningless compliments. You already know you’re pretty. A man shouldn’t have a problem stating his true intentions even if he only wants casual sex. Perhaps the young lady is interested in that too. That sounds like an equally yoked couple to me.

If a man is looking for a long term commitment he shouldn’t be afraid to state his objective. He should also be able to say why he is attracted to you and why he thinks you might be a good life partner. Ask the specifics at the beginning. Now I know people lie and there is nothing you can do about that. Just make sure the actions match the words over an extended period of time.

menace ii society

If you open the dialogue it should at least be interesting to see what he has to say. You know how you get asked weird, vague questions in job interviews. I heard a hiring manager say once that they just want to see how you will respond. The answer itself isn’t as important. The idea is to get the candidate to talk so you can see what is on their mind.

If you are ghosted immediately that’s probably what he would have done at some point anyway. Trash takes itself out. Get the truth out on the table and find out where the man’s head is before you invest your heart and time.

People are savage out here and there is no honor. People act out of selfishness and don’t really care if they hurt someone. They just think that the person that they took advantage of shouldn’t have been such a sucker. Unfortunately dating is almost like Spy Vs. Spy and the most cunning and suspicious person wins. I’m not exactly sure what the prize is. Waiting to get stabbed in the back doesn’t seem like a start to a great romance to me.

spy versus spy

Ask 1,000 questions towards the beginning of a relationship. It might be a good idea to ask the first one or two hundred before the first date. And ask questions that are specific to you to see if he sees you as merely a place holder until he runs across someone he deems as wife material. Heck, ask him what he considers wife material and if you fit into his mold. I think that you have more to gain than you have to lose.

And please don’t go over his house unless you simply want to get laid. That’s a real crap shoot and a lot can go wrong for women if you do that. After sex women esteem men more and I think that men esteem women less. If you care what he thinks you’re better off to keep the relationship in public spaces for a while. The truth will come out eventually.

Head Trips and Mind Games

I enjoy social media because you learn the truth about people. Often times the truth is not pretty but it is the truth and there is always value in that. I’ve run across social media outlets that are geared towards men. The most common topic in these male spaces is women. They talk about their desires, complaints and preferences when it comes to the opposite sex. I will refer to them as The Complainers.

After eavesdropping on The Complainers and sometimes participating in some of these conversations I’ve found it very hard to follow the thought pattern of these men. I can’t figure out the end game. I feel like there is no real desire to come to an understanding with women and have respectful relationships. The on line commentary mostly expresses frustration and disdain for women. Love and partnership is rarely if ever mentioned.

These on line chats are under the guise of them being for men but I really think they exist to send messages to women while excluding them from the conversation. I think the goal is to manipulate women and to control them through criticism because it seems that women can’t do anything to satisfy these men. It’s rare that one of the complainers mentions a wife or girlfriend.

These are just a few of the contradictions that I’ve seen on The Complainers’ social media chats.

Women should stop wearing weave. -> Your hair is nappy and too short.

Women need to get off of welfare -> A college degree doesn’t make you more valuable to men.

Single mothers are undateable. -> Men shouldn’t get married.

All women are promiscuous. -> I would use her for a pump and dump but that’s it.

Women without fathers are damaged goods. -> Women are responsible for raising children.

Women are choosing careers over families. -> Women should be willing to split finances 50/50.

Women always pick the wrong guys. -> Women have unrealistic standards.

It’s OK for men to have preferences. -> Women that date outside of their race are bedwenches.

Women should commit young. -> Men should marry no sooner that their late thirties.

Women shouldn’t pressure men to commit. -> Women hit “The Wall” at thirty five.

Women seek out attention too much -> Women should welcome male attention in public.

Women focus on their looks too much -> Everyone wants to date someone attractive.

What conclusion can women come to after taking in this information? The only conclusion that I can reach is that there is some serious confusion out there along with disdain for women. Women’s humanity and intellect is completely overlooked and women are talked about as if they are inanimate objects.

I’ve never seen anyone go into detail about what perfection looks like and how to achieve it. The standards that The Complainers have is not sustainable or realistic because they want old fashioned, traditional womanhood without offering old fashioned traditional manhood. They complain about feminism but they fail to see how feminism benefits men. I think that men are the real benefactors of feminism because they don’t bear the same amount of responsibility as they once did. There aren’t very many expectations for men anymore.

If any man wanted an old fashioned relationship he just needs to decide that he wants to be an old fashioned man and then he needs to find a woman to go along with those ideals. I can see how that would be a challenge but I don’t think it’s impossible if a man is taking the lead, is realistic about his end of the bargain and expresses his intentions. Simply don’t date feminists if they bother you so much.

I think The Complainers know that they are not being completely honest in what they say but they aren’t willing to speak their truth. The truth is that they want to the best of both worlds. They like the lack of responsibility and easy sex that feminism provides but when they are ready to settle down in their later years they want a submissive housewife.

Actually The Complainer just a submissive woman because they don’t believe in legal marriage because if the relationship doesn’t work out he doesn’t want to give her any of the household finances. But he doesn’t want her to be educated and career oriented. And he wants her to be focused on the household and family.

It’s a never ending circle of contradictions that only completely benefits men. The Complainers simply want to use women as tools to validate their ego, breed their children, cook and clean. Meanwhile he doesn’t want to have any responsibility to his wife equivalent. The Complainers like to say that career women end up lonely and they use examples like forty something singles like Tiffany Haddish and Charlize Theron.

I believe there is a price to pay for women being career focused. I believe that a woman that puts her career first probably does miss out on some opportunities to marry and have children. But The Complainers all seem like douchebags anyway. They have no respect for women and they don’t discuss love or even raising children much. When they discuss childbearing they talk about women as if they are prized pit bulls or thoroughbred horses. I don’t think The Complainers offer much as far as a lifetime of love and devotion.

I’ve learned to disregard everything that The Complainers say. Even when they make valid points they say something mean which lets me know their true intentions and unsaid feelings. I hope the women make decisions that benefit themselves and honor God. Prepare yourself to be a good wife to a deserving man. But trying to satisfy the desires of men that want women to exist simply for the pleasure and convenience of men seems like a lost cause.

Black Social Media: Help or Hindrance

I am Black and a bit of a social media junkie. Social media outlets have pretty much figured out that I’m Black and they suggest pages, channels, people, places and things that other Black people frequent. I follow them as do others in my demographic. It creates little virtual communities and there you have it, the Black social media sphere. It has been fun, entertaining, and educational in good ways and bad. Black social media can be a useful and entertaining tool. But it can be very toxic.

I’ll start off by saying that Black people are not given enough credit for being so witty and creative. When I was a big Facebook and Twitter user my brothers and sisters would absolutely have me cracking up with their unique takes on various hashtags. Some social media users reminded me of the glory days of hip hop when being a little street or ghetto or whatever you call was meshed with intelligence and insight. We don’t get to see that much in the media anymore. I miss it.

Black social media users have also brought attention to injustices in America such as police brutality and racism in common places. Cell phone video and social media has given justice to many Black people that never would have gotten it otherwise. I think that is wonderful and heroic.

But I’ve decided to not follow a lot of Black social media pages due to the nature of the speaker or his or her followers. I blocked The Shade Room on IG years ago and my quality of life immediately improved. I stopped following the 1990s rapper David Banner because I got tired of being a defender of the faith. I blocked The Amazing Lucas on You Tube because he is trying a little too hard to prove that he is a conservative Black man. It’s sad to watch a Black man pander to people that way.

It’s difficult to build a social media following unless you already have some sort of claim to fame, an amazing talent or you fit a particular beauty standard and decide to flaunt your body for the sake social media popularity. I’m guessing that it may even be more difficult for non celebrity Black people to build a large following because I rarely see Black people discussing things that wouldn’t be considered a Black interest on social media. I’ve figured that the best way for Black people to gain a social media following is by being controversial within the on line Black community.

I think Black men have it the hardest in the social media world. It’s a little harder for them to find their social media niche. Many Black women and feminine Black men have gained social media notoriety by creating celebrity gossip outlets, make up and hair tutorials.

But I don’t see many Black men creating channels that aren’t about dissecting matters in the Black community. It seems to me that the easiest way for a Black man to gain a large social media following is by talking about such matters and blaming Black women for them. Some of the most successful Black You Tubers that I’m aware of are men that think that Black women are solely responsible for every single problem in the Black community. Like, seriously every – single – one. The mental gymnastics these guys do is impressive. Actually buying into it is a personality disorder of some sort.

I’ve never followed members of the He Man’s Woman Haters Club but men that follow these ideologies show up in the comment sections of other vlogs such as gossip channels or a channel that is talking about current events to a Black audience. They drop nasty remarks about Black women’s appearances, marital status, “attitude” or whatever. They even put Black women down for going to college and pursuing careers. I would like to think that most of these remarks are coming from trolls in Moscow but I know my people and this can’t all be blamed on the Russians.

It’s like some of these guys (to be fair, I’ve had Black women make rude remarks about my appearance, especially my hair as well) know that Black women are trying to avoid them so they come to where we are in order to insult us in some way. I’ve made what I thought was an innocuous comment and have had my personal appearance attacked by my fellow social media users. People like that are usually hiding behind an anonymous profile so I can’t be sure of who they are but I’m guessing a lot of the insults based on skin color and hair texture are coming from people with similar skin color and hair texture.

After degrading Black women these gentlemen go on to put fairer skinned women on a pedestal. I don’t understand why they didn’t do that in the first place and just left us out of it. No one needs to justify their dating and marriage choices to anyone. And you shouldn’t have to put someone else down in order to express your love for someone else. Black women return the vitriol. They too have set up channels and make comments tearing Black men apart. There is no way to have a community if men and women hate each other.

Another topic that’s caught a lot of traction on Black social media is “woke” Black people telling Black Christians to stop believing in Christ. I had to block the 90s rapper David Banner for this reason. People like him are arrogant and patronizing and always use the same two or three reasons to justify their opinions.

Their reasoning displays their ignorance about the Bible, geography, human history. This “woke”, afrocentric community are the ones that believe in a White, European Jesus. Not those of us with the understanding that Bethlehem isn’t in Europe. Once again, all they need to do is follow their heart. There is absolutely no need to degrade someone else in order to justify a personal choice. Leave us out of your personal choices and I’ll leave you out of mine.

I ran across a You Tuber named The Amazing Lucas one day and I decided to follow him. After watching a few of his videos I blocked him. I don’t need anymore of his videos. He’s a young Black man that would probably describe himself as being conservative. But after a while I guess he had to work harder to prove himself.

He’s too emotional about things that aren’t that big of a deal such as the political opinions of NBA players that he’s never even heard of. Lucas is of the belief that racism is all a figment of Black America’s imagination which I find to be a very condescending and delusional view point. The Amazing Lucas doesn’t seem to understand that racism is an economic and sociological matter.

I don’t know who runs The Shade Room but they are a horrible human being and their followers are complete morons. It’s hard to find a dumber group of people on social media than what you would find on that IG page. I blocked them a long time ago because they were on there making fun of Simone Biles body. That’s right. They body shamed a world class athlete.

People that enjoy The Shade Room only like women that look like strippers. It’s all they care about or respect. They absolutely love people from the Love and Hip Hop Series and various young rappers that I’ve never heard of. But they trash an Olympic champion because she’s not so called slim thick. They trashed Gabrielle Douglas as well. I believe they came for her because she mentioned something about women should dress modestly and they went berserk. I don’t share the values of most people in The Shade Room so I had to block them.

The death and funeral of rapper Nipsey Hustle and the trials and tribulations of TV personality Wendy Williams have dominated Black social media the last few weeks. Meanwhile three Black churches in Louisiana burned mysteriously and the son of a police officer was arrested for the crimes.

I was on a You Tube channel yesterday that fashions itself after a news broadcast. The host discussed the church fires and people in the comments section were talking about their disdain for Christianity, especially Black Christians. They are clearly missing the point. But if they are that stupid why bother talking to them. I blocked the channel. I think we need to shift our values a bit. Our community suffered a terrorist attack and

I understand that the death of Nipsey Hustle is yet another urban violent tragedy but last weekend six were shot at a baby shower in Chicago. I haven’t heard Black social media say a word about that. I didn’t know who Nipsey Hustle was until he died so his death is no different than all the other murders that happen in the Black community.

I think that we should use the powerful medium of social media to discuss that to the point of beating a dead horse like we do stupid topics like fake hair, inter racial dating and twerking. And men that are obsessed with women that they don’t like need to be the ones doing the talking instead of blaming everything on single mothers.

I wish that Black social media communities would just stop trying to tell others in their community what to do. Stop thinking you know what’s best for someone else. If we all do our part, Christians, Israelites, Agnostics, LGBT, feminists, etc. we can all make improvements to build a better future for everyone. But this intra racial at least snarkiness and at most hatred should stop. We need to learn to respect each other more. I don’t feel like Black people appreciate our differences.

Some of these conversations that take place have been going on for years and we have come to no conclusion or made no progress. They are trivial matters anyway so we should just move forward. I think there are a few things we should be able to agree on such as if you’re mad at someone you shouldn’t shoot up their baby shower and let’s discuss those matters. The rest of if is all just drivel and a huge waste of time and I refuse to participate in it anymore.

I’ve Retired from Online Dating

I’ve retired from on line dating. Or you could say I’ve given up. You could also say I’ve aged out of the system. Regardless, I’m not doing it anymore. I wish I could say I’ve met a wonderful man so I not longer need the help but that isn’t the case. I’m single and if I have to go on a dating website to meet someone I prefer to remain single.

On line dating was an interesting experience and I learned a lot. I’ve tried different sites over the years. Most of what I learned is discouraging and it kind of makes me glad and proud to be single. I’m going to share some of my experiences and observations as a Black, Christian, college educated woman. I hope this is helpful to others.

The first problem with on line dating is simply that it’s kind of boring. You match with various people on the site and they mostly look alike, dress alike and say the same things. Most of them are not very good conversationalists. I ended up leading a lot of the conversations and when I ask people what they like to do with their free time and what their interests were many of them were at a loss.

Conversations on dating sites start like conversations at social events and night spots, with small talk. But small talk that would be over with in two or three minutes face to face can take several days on line. It’s easy to lose interest and patience with this especially if you’ve had dead end conversations like this in the past. The process is more tedious than anything.

On line dating is particularly tricky for Black women. I have always been open to dating men that are not Black but my preference was to have a Black, Christ focused family. I didn’t realize that I was betting on the long shot.

Before I delve into this topic I want to make it clear that I hold no ill will towards anyone. I’m not jealous or envious of anyone. I don’t think anyone owes me anything and I am not seeking to control anyone’s choices. Black women have to give those disclaimers when they speak their truths. So here I go.

I don’t think that most Black men on dating websites are there to meet Black women. I think their primary interest is meeting women that are not Black and if they date a Black woman they are probably looking for one whose appearance hints at significant European ancestry. I don’t have that to offer a man. There is very little European ancestry to pass along here.

So my advice to Black women that want to date Black men is that you should completely forego dating sites and meet men in mostly Black social spaces such as night clubs, churches, your circle of friends, etc. I know you’ve probably already tried that but I think that on line dating will be a complete waste of your time.

There are many, many Black men on these sites that you will match with but their intentions are questionable. I think they may be OK if you are simply looking for a good time if you know what I mean or even someone to go to a movie with once in a while but if you are thinking long term commitment your pot of gold is going to be hard to find. You’re as well off striking up conversations with men at gas stations.

If Black women are interested in dating outside of the Black community I think that on line dating has more to offer. The problem I had was that I live on the border of two red states and I absolutely hate Republican politics.

I can’t see myself getting involved with a man and marrying into a family that voted to turn America into a White, pseudo Christian, ethno state. Ironically, the men that I found to be the most sincere and that displayed the most genuine interest and excitement about meeting me were MAGA people and Civil War reenactors. I just couldn’t see myself having a future with one of those guys. I may look back and see my choices as a mistake but I don’t think so.

There were White men that took interest in me that you would probably classify as liberal but they were a bit too edgy. They had too many tattoos, too many body piercings, absolutely bizarre backstories, too many kids. Some of them were Atheists and many seemed to have unstable addresses. I don’t think it would work. Perhaps I will regret my life choices one day but at least I’ll be a blessing to some lucky cat.

I don’t think it’s important to have a lot in common with your spouse. I think it’s OK to have different interests and hobbies. But I would like to share faith in Christ with a person that I was going to marry. If a man doesn’t believe in Jesus I don’t think he would ever really understand me as an individual. Let me tell you what. If you are Christian, single and trying to be obedient to Christ you are undateable to 95% of the US population. I’m going to leave that right where it is.

Yes, I tried Christian Mingle but by the time I got around to them I wasn’t willing to pay for a dating site and you have to pay to communicate with people. I browsed the page and didn’t really see much that I wanted to invest in financially. Besides that I saw someone that I knew on there. That’s always awkward.

There are a lot of what I’ll call phantom people on dating websites. They are people that just moved to the area and they didn’t grow up here or have other kind of local connections. They are people that travel for work and come through town often. They are single men in the military. They are men that work from home and keep to themselves.

There are a lot of mysterious people on dating websites that don’t really belong anywhere or to anyone. No one really knows them. A lot of them claim to not like social media but they are on dating sites. The man that inspired my choice to never use a dating website again is someone that I sporadically communicated with for a few months and met for dinner once.

We continued to communicate after our meeting and I asked him his last name. He became agitated and defensive because I asked the question and he asked me why I wanted to know. I honestly just wanted to know because I was interested in getting to know this person but I indeed was going to search his name on the internet. I surely wouldn’t mind if someone did that to me. He refused to give me his last name because he said he didn’t feel comfortable giving it to me after meeting me once.

I asked him why that was a secret and he said that if I knew his last name then I could look him up on the internet and find out his address. I asked him at what point he would feel comfortable letting me know his last name. He said he would feel comfortable giving me that information once he had me over his house for dinner. Do you see how that doesn’t make sense? Anyhow, I blocked his number after that. Anyone that is guarded over his last name is probably too paranoid to date.

I am forty four and I feel like I have aged out of the on line dating system. Your forties is a super awkward age to be never married and without children. Most single people my age are divorced with children or at least with children. I’m a true spinster that hasn’t had that family life experience so I don’t have a bitter divorce and family court drama as common ground with others.

There were men on the internet that reached out to me that were significantly younger than I am. I never pursued any of the opportunities with the really young ones. I’m skeptical about what they really wanted with a woman my age. Their intentions can’t be good. On some level I think it must be a scam or at best he was just looking for an experience with an older woman.

I’m talking, I found you on Facebook and I see that you’ve grown a lot from your prom picture that was taken eighteen months ago young. I ain’t got time for that. Even if his intentions were pure that situation seems like a lot of work. He was cute though. I asked if his dad was single and he said no. They always say no.

I met one young single dad on line that was very, very bitter. I can’t believe how bitter he was at such a young age. I figured it was best I move on from that. I’m not even trying to hear the sob story about him and his baby mama. I don’t need the anger in my life and I’m not helping a man that could damn near be my son pay his child support.

A lot of the men I talked to that are in their forties and fifties which was my target group were shady. Many of them had never been married but most of them had children. I asked a few what they were seeking from a woman at this point in their life. They claimed they were seeking to settle down. Settle down at forty nine? Forty nine. FORTY F@(%ING NINE. I’m sorry but that is just funny to me.

They didn’t quit the game the game quit them. They were pushed into retirement and now they “just want a good woman to enjoy life with”. I’m sure a fifty five year old man has met at least a few good women that he could have enjoyed life with. I’ve asked some of them why they wanted to settle down now. One of them got defensive and said he wasn’t ready before. I see.

Now that he’s older the young ones that he really wants aren’t attracted to him and the older ones that he might have a chance with are probably busy with crafts and browsing at the humane society. Sex isn’t as easy to get, at least not with someone with a youthful aesthetic, so now he claims he wants to commit. These men have avoided marriage throughout their youth and never married the mothers of their children. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

I don’t see anything good coming from getting to know one of these men. It’s obvious that they don’t value marriage or traditional family values. Practically speaking, you’re coming into these men’s lives just as they’re about to start having heart attacks and strokes. You can look at most of them and tell that fitness and nutrition hasn’t been a priority in their lives. So unless you’re going to pull an Anna Nicole why sign up to be a man’s nurse?

It would be different if you had him when he was young and cute. Then it’s like WE had a stroke, WE had a heart attack, WE’RE paralyzed on one side of OUR body. You’ve built a long life together and he’s meant a lot to you for a long time. Your relationship has stood the test of time and he deserves a dutiful wife.

You’ve probably been consuming fried chicken, pizza and French fries together over the last twenty years so when he has a brain aneurysm you will look after him and when you are diagnosed with diabetes he will look after you. That’s the great American love story. Sorry, but if a man has been the good time boy in your town for the last three decades I don’t see that he deserves a loyal woman in his later years. Let his kids and all their mothers care for him.

The other awkward thing about on line dating in your forties is that people lie about their age. Forty is the last decade in your life when you claim youth. I ran into someone I know on an internet dating site and he said he was in his forties. I was shocked because he looked much older. I knew the man because he patronizes the business where I work. I looked him up in our database and saw his drivers license. He was lying by about fifteen years. I suspect this happens often because I’ve seen a lot of profiles with some pretty harsh looking forty somethings.

So anyway, that’s some of my story. I know that on line dating works out great for a lot of people. Congratulations to them. I would encourage anyone to give it a try as long as you are discerning and play it safe. As for me I gave it a try over the years and I’m done. I’ve come to some conclusions in my life and I’m honestly relieved. If nothing else on line dating has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I’ve learned a lot about men, women, sociology and status.

I’m still hopeful that I may find Mr. Right one day but if we find each other it won’t be on a dating app. There are plenty and I mean plenty of men on the internet but I don’t want to make the compromises to make them fit into my life and I don’t want to put the energy into getting to know them and their true intentions. And there are way too many unattached, mysterious phantom daters out there that don’t really seem to belong anywhere. There is a real risk of being killed or hurt when exploring an online connection. I’m not sure that seeking true love and devotion is worth the risk. Spinsterhood is looking like a pretty good option.

Getting to Know You

The quest for true love is not for the faint of heart. It’s tough out there folks and on line dating is a blessing for many but for others it adds to the confusion and frustration. I am a part of the latter group.

Last week I briefly communicated with a man and he suggested that we meet up for coffee. When I say we briefly communicated I mean that we clicked the feature to “like” each other and exchanged about two lines of text. He said that he was looking for a relationship and asked me if I would be open to talking to him about that. I said sure.

Then he suggested that we meet for coffee. I told him that I would not be interested in meeting him right away. I would like to talk to him on the app first and then have a few conversations on the phone. He says to me that he was no longer interested because he is feels like he can’t get to know a person through an app or on the phone. He wants to see a person face to face in order to get to know them.

I agree with him. I want to get to know a person face to face as well and get to know what makes a person unique. But I’m not going to meet up with a complete stranger upon his request. That sounds like a Backpage.com hookup to me.

This gentleman also said that he was concerned about being catfished. That’s a valid concern but I am concerned about being stabbed multiple times and ending up on a missing persons list or being sold into a sex trafficking ring. It’s a tough world out there for women. Men need to understand that women are the vulnerable party in these types of meetings. The least they can do is be understanding of our safety concerns.

This man wanted me to take the time to get dolled up, drive somewhere that I don’t typically go and compromise my safety so he can look me over as if I’m a used car. That’s very degrading without him knowing anything about me as an individual. And what do I stand to win in this beauty pageant. This man isn’t great looking. He isn’t young. I doubt that he’s wealthy. He’s not even nice or much of a gentleman. No thanks.

The funny thing about this brief interaction is that this man said that he was looking for a traditional woman. I like traditional relationships between men and women and I have no problem with old fashioned gender roles. But a man that states that he is looking for a traditional woman is a bit of a red flag for me. That’s all he talked about in his profile other than his aspirations to own an insurance firm.

I don’t know that I am the type of traditional woman he is looking for but I am a lady. I wanted to try and establish that. What lady is going to meet up with a stranger that she knows absolutely nothing about? This is not only a safety concern but I am trying to avoid wasting the time and energy of both parties.

I often wonder how some people end up in relationships with people where they both have completely different visions for their future. A lot of these problems can be avoided with open and honest conversations at the beginning. Actually I do know how people get into these situations. They aren’t open or honest. The beginning of many romantic relationships take place behind a smokescreen.

For me looks are not the most important factor because there are very few men on dating websites that are attractive. Most of them are Kansas City sevens at best. So looks are not my primary focus because it doesn’t seem to be an option that is available to me. I’m interested in character, common goals and values and what we both want for the future.

I think that all of these things are based on the individual and not based on who they meet in life. That’s particularly true for people that are over thirty five or so. It’s all about finding a good match and you can eliminate people that may not be right for you if you give things a bit of time in the beginning and have the right conversations.

I agree that you can’t completely get to know a person on the phone or through messages on a dating app. But there should be a period of time where people get to know each other from a safe distance and without an investment of money, time or make up. Men are worried about being catfished but women are worried about being murdered or raped. A true gentleman will be considerate of those concerns instead of putting his selfish interests first.

MGOTW 2

I see a lot of videos on You Tube that focus on men complaining about women. It’s truly fascinating to hear how some men feel about the dating and mating game and their frustrations with the matter. Most of these complaining men would describe themselves as MGTOW. Men Go Their Own Way.

I ran across a video today titled “Pretty is No Longer Enough” which I didn’t have time to watch but I read the comments. Men expressed that they felt women valued looks and sex too much. They also said that they didn’t trust women that were attractive because there they have too many other options. These men also resented what they called simps. To my understanding simps are men that cater to women in order to win them over.

MGTOW makes some valid points. I agree that women put too high of a premium on outward appearances and sex. But with most of what MGTOW says their theories fall apart once you dwell on them too much. MGTOW resents attractive and sexually adventurous women because they are playing men’s games. Men trained women to dwell on looks and sex because that is where a great deal of a man’s focus lies.

I’ve seen this play out in nightclubs and on social media. Women who act slutty are the ones that get male attention. Modesty doesn’t cut it. If men were interested in a women’s character porn wouldn’t be the profitable industry that it is. Men can’t get enough of female sexuality on display.

Men are very interested in how their female partners look. When you look at successful men their wives are often interchangeable. Look up the wives of NFL quarterbacks and most of them are blonde, blue eyed, young and thin. Or she is light skinned, slim-thick with “good hair”. That image of womanhood gets promoted and other men want a women like that in order to feel successful. So why shouldn’t a woman that has the look of a successful man’s wife hold out for a successful man? She would be a fool to not do that.

I made the decision several years ago to not engage in sex unless or until I marry. When I’ve told men that they have completely evaporated. I’ve tried my luck on dating websites and men have asked me what I was looking for on the site. I said I would love to find a husband. Some of them immediate unmatch me. They aren’t looking for the same thing or at least they are not looking for a commitment from me.

I’ve been told on dating websites, by men that have slid into my DMs on social media and gentlemen that I’ve met here or there that they want to be friends with a woman first and then see where it goes. This translates into I want to have sex with you while I get to know your personality and if I don’t get tired of you after a few months maybe I’ll take you out or something. Sex is at the forefront of most men’s minds when meeting women for social purposes. They are not primarily looking for a sweet, submissive nature and good wholesome morals like they say they are.

MGTOW men are bothered because a lot of women are playing the game. Most women do not set the standard of purity until marriage. They have decided to go ahead and sleep around and see where things lead the way men do. And a lot of young women don’t make commitment a priority. I don’t know if that is what they really want or if they are just taking what they can get because they know that most young men aren’t interested in commitment.

The MGTOW men that I’ve seen on YouTube are between thirty five – fifty. I have a feeling that they avoided commitment to women during their younger years and now that they are older they want a woman with old fashioned morals and values after they, themselves have probably had numerous lovers.

They blame feminism for the modern mores of women but I bet many young women wouldn’t really think of themselves as feminists. They are simply following where men lead and playing the game that men laid out. Unless a woman has some sort of religious standard that tells her to wait for marriage it’s unlikely that she would value chastity. Maintaining purity is an uphill battle and it comes with a lot of rejection.

I don’t blame young women for behaving as they do and men shouldn’t either. Most probably don’t know God so they are just doing what they think will make a man happy. They focus on looks and sexuality. They are competing for the best mate on the marketplace and they have been trained to believe being pretty and making yourself sexually available to men is the best way to do it. Women haven’t been taught differently and without God’s word they won’t see the folly in their ways.

But it’s highly hypocritical for men to be angry at women for playing the game that they take advantage of until they age out of the system. If men really want to see changes they should live up to their own Puritanical standards. It seems to me that if they did that everything would fall into place.

Most Social Media Dating Advice is Pure Garbage! (but listen to this)

The vast majority of dating advice that is dished out on social media is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t think that a lot of these people have even had more than three dates with the same person. But I am here to help with my bit of dating advice and it may be the last advice you need and I have career experience to qualify what I am saying.

Like pairs up with like. That’s it. If you haven’t met that special someone yet it’s not that there is necessarily anything wrong with you. It’s you just haven’t met your match yet. I worked in the jewelry retail business for about six years on a part time or full time basis.

I sold jewelry for companies such as Zales, Kay, Helzberg and a small local jeweler. I helped couples shop for engagement rings and gifts. The thing I noticed over time is that couples mirrored each other. Quiet people were with quiet people. Outgoing people were with outgoing people. Intellectual was with intellectual. Arrogant linked up with arrogant. You get the picture.

I think the biggest barrier people have with dating is not staying in their lane. One of my favorite TV shows is “90 Day Fiance”. It’s a reality show that tells the stories of couples that were in international romances navigating the immigration system, family turmoil and culture shock. A common theme on the show is people trying to date people that are significantly younger.

In most of the couples the only way the older person has the opportunity to date a person in their twenties is if they have an economic edge. If the younger party was from the US they most likely wouldn’t consider the older person for romance. Most of these people are not wealthy so they go overseas and choose a partner from a poor country. The result is a hit TV show but most of these relationships have struggles and some fail. They didn’t stay in their lane.

I don’t think dating is about hitting a mark. It’s about finding someone that compliments you. One thing that I don’t think people understand is that you don’t have the right to expect something out of a person that you don’t offer yourself. You shouldn’t expect to date someone fit if you’re not in shape. You can’t judge someone for their amount of sexual partners if you’ve been on the ho stroll for years. You don’t deserve someone with good finances if you are terrible with money.

Even if you attracted someone that was your ideal your differences may cause many struggles if you’re able to find common ground at all. If you’re a neat freak you probably won’t get very far with a slob. A pious person probably wouldn’t get along with an atheist in intimate circumstances. The list goes on and on.

Throw out all value judgements on who society tells you to love. Be honest about what you have to offer and find someone that complements you. When I worked in the jewelry business I met a lot of well cared for women that didn’t look like supermodels and had probably been around the block a bit but their men fit the same description. I’ve heard stories of couples meeting in AA meetings and detention in high school. Look for love where you are and from someone that reminds you…of you.

WORST DATE EVER!

I’ve never been all that lucky in love but I’ve never had a really bad date either. That is until yesterday. I had the worst date ever. I met a 54 year old man on OK Cupid named Ron. We met for lunch yesterday. This is our story.

I don’t take on line dating seriously but I decided to give it a try (again). I chat with people for fun but it would be wonderful to meet the love of my life. So I had been talking to Ron. The interaction was nothing special. I spoke with him on the phone a few times. Again sparks didn’t fly. He suggested that we meet and against my better judgment I agreed to meet him.

I would prefer to not go out with someone until we developed some familiarity and had a few enjoyable conversations with each other. I think that if two people even decide to go on a date it should be kind of special. Ron is one of these people that like to treat dating as if it is a job interview. He asked a lot of questions about my previous relationships with men and my current dating habits that really kind of turned me off. He also said that he needed to meet someone in person to see if he really liked them or not. Once again I was a bit put off by this. But I decided to set aside some time to see him yesterday.

I was going to get in touch with him and tell him that I wasn’t interested in meeting. But I was really hungry after church yesterday and I figured since I needed to get something to eat I would invite him to meet me at a sandwich shop. He suggested we go to a winery in the center of town and I agreed to that.

I wasn’t familiar with the place and he told me that it was next to Barnes & Noble at the corner of Broadway and 47th Street in Kansas City. I knew where the Barnes & Noble was so I parked near there and walked towards the corner. I didn’t see any restaurant on any corner. I called him and asked him for further directions. He said it’s near McCormick & Schmick which was in the other direction. So I walked back up the block toward McCormick & Schmick and saw no other restaurants other than a coffee shop. I got the name of the place when I spoke to him and I Googled it and found out the entrance was on Broadway. I never would have found the place if it wasn’t for Google Maps. I had been walking back and forth on 47th Street in a black dress with a scarf on in about 85 degree heat.

He calls me again and ask me where I am. I told him I was on my way. He repeats it’s on the corner of 47th and Broadway. The daft man never seemed to understand that the landmarks he gave me were all on 47th Street and the entrance was around the corner on Broadway. Anyway, I find my way in and sit at the table and he says “I don’t understand why you had a hard time finding it”. I tried to explain that I was on the wrong street from the entrance. He continues to be defensive about his directions with me. I just say I’m sorry for being late to end it.

So we start talking and he starts with a bunch of questions. When was your last relationship? How long did they last? Why did they end? Were you in love with them? What would your exes say about you? Do you ever approach men that you like? Seriously, it was just like a job interview. Towards the end he even asked if I had any questions for him. I told him no and he seemed frustrated or perhaps disappointed.

Ron says he likes to get to the point because he doesn’t want to waste time. I think I’m a pretty pleasant person to be around so I don’t think that spending time with me is ever a waste. Once again, I was disenchanted with Mr. Ron.

He mentioned that he talked to a woman on Tinder once and at one point she mentioned that she was celibate. He said that he was no longer interested in her and he was mad that she wasted his time. He thought that she should have put that at the top of her profile because he invested a lot of time messaging her on Tinder. Ron thinks that this woman owes men that information. What a shame.At the beginning stages of what could be a relationship I treat it as an observation stage. I just want to see how a person acts and what actions they take. I want to see if we can have a decent enjoyable conversation together. Anyone one can give a nonsense answer to a question. And Ron has been in sales for ten years so I’m sure he’s good at telling people what they want to hear.

In fact I caught Ron in a lie. In one of our phone conversations I asked him if he grew up in Kansas City. He said yes. I asked him if his family was here. He said yes, all of them were here. During dinner he told me that his daughter lived in Texas with her three girls. Why one Earth would you lie about something like that? The man is lying about things that make no difference what so ever.

Ron was also just plain rude. Not only did he scold me for not being able to follow his bad directions and I caught him in a lie but he had the nerve to ask me how much I weighed. When I told him he challenged me and said that he didn’t believe that. This man is fifty four years old and this is the level of social grace that he has. Good grief.

He also decided to give me dating advice. He told me that I should put more than one picture up on my dating profile and one should be a full body shot because men are visual. I told him to look at my Instagram page because I have over 500 pictures on there. He mentioned that I wore hats in a few pictures and he was wondering if I had hair. What a charming lunch date. He was on the same website and he’s eleven years older than me. Perhaps he shouldn’t be giving out dating advice.

The waitress dropped the check while I was finishing desert. The key lime pie was excellent and it was worth me going out that afternoon. It sat there until I finished desert and was ready to leave. I put my debit card in the book to take care of the bill and Ron pulls out his wallet. He wanted me to give him a ten back for his twenty. Fortunately, I had a ten dollar bill so he took care of his portion of lunch. What a gentleman!

So we leave the restaurant and we say good bye with an awkward hand shake in front of the entrance on BROADWAY. It was strange because he seemed to kind of like me. He never seemed that way during dinner. So I walk away and turn the corner onto 47th Street and head back to my car that’s about two blocks away next to Barnes & Noble.

He texted me later that night and said it was nice to meet me with a blushing happy face emoji. I don’t really know what that means. I said “Thanks, you too” to be polite. Later on I decided to delete all of his texts, his contact number, block his number from my phone and unmatch with him on OK Cupid. He’s a man that values his time so I won’t even waste his time by communicating with him again.

In a way I’m glad I met Ron yesterday because I can now cross him out of my life with no doubts. But my belief was reinforced that my first instincts about people are usually correct. I tried a new restaurant which was a nice place with fantastic key lime pie. (I gave them a good review on Google).