Marry Smart is a relationship advice book for young, career oriented women by Susan Patton. I think it’s worth the read. It’s quick and Ms. Patton gives sound, practical and realistic advice to young women who aspire to marriage and motherhood.
Susan Patton is an HR professional and Princeton graduate who wrote a controversial letter to the editor of the campus newspaper of her alma mater. The letter advised young women to focus on finding a husband with as much or more energy as they do in starting a career. The letter garnered a lot of attention. Enough conversation was aroused by the letter that Susan wrote a book explaining her opinions on young women, careers, marriage and motherhood. I remember seeing Susan on morning TV programs like Today and The View when the book was released in 2014.
Susan was criticized in the mainstream and by feminists but what she was saying on the talk show circuit made sense to me. The author urges young women to be honest with themselves. If they want to marry and have children pursue that goal as they would any other. Be strategic. That’s the bottom line.
Susan states that the best time in a woman’s life to find a husband is while in college. She advises young women to make finding a spouse a priority while they are young and in school because that’s when youth, social surroundings and fertility are in a woman’s favor.
The odds of finding a desirable and compatible husband are in a young woman’s favor while she is on campus. She’s around men that are educated, career oriented, young, most likely single and childless. After graduation it’s nearly impossible to simulate that kind of social setting. The author advised women to remain active in alumni activities if they don’t find a husband while a student. It’s pretty simple and common sense.
Ms. Patton says that if you know you want to marry pursue it as a goal and be mindful of your time. Pop culture leads women to believe that they will meet the perfect mate by chance. Mainstream American Christianity preaches that The Lord will bring you the perfect spouse. I don’t think these romantic notions are fruitful.
I would encourage young women to be deliberate in their dating choices, have goals and be mindful of time . I think that Marry Smart offers great advice to women regardless of their educational and career goals. Any young woman can read this book and apply it to their own life and circumstances.
My criticism of this book is that it lasts a little longer than is necessary. Susan’s advice delves into some other areas that can help a lady be a success in life but it does get to be a bit superfluous near the end. It feels like Susan’s editor had a word requirement and she needed to stretch.
Generally speaking I think relationship advice is terrible. But Ms. Patton’s advice is based on simple biology. Women have been set up to fail by ignoring biology. The author is a bit harsh but I think it comes from a good, loving, maternal place. It’s worth a read. I listened to an audio book version which lasted about seven hours.
Anna Duggar and Yandy Smith don’t have a lot in common other than being cable reality TV personalities. Anna Duggar married into the fundamentalist Christian Duggar family of TLC reality TV show fame. Yandy is known from the VH1 program “Love and Hip Hop New York” . Both were married on TV to men that would end up incarcerated. Other than reality TV Anna and Yandy share the dubious distinction of being ride or die chicks and having it all blow up in their faces the same week.
Anna’s husband Josh was arrested for possession of child pornography two weeks ago. Josh is currently out on bail. Those kind of allegations are always shocking but Josh has been accused of sexual misconduct in the past. When Josh was young he sexually assaulted his younger sisters while they were asleep. Josh did not serve any time for what he did to his sisters. Instead he went through therapy at his church. Josh who grew up in a strict Christian household and he has also been caught on websites for married people seeking to cheat on their spouse.
All of the revelations came out in 2015. At the time Anna and Josh had four children. Anna made the decision to stay in her marriage and remain loyal to her husband. One would think that Josh would change his ways after being exposed in the media and publicly humiliating his wife. Instead he got worse and the allegations became even more dubious. Anna’s forgiveness, loyalty, patience and love didn’t amount to anything.
Yandy and her husband Mendeecees have been featured on “Love and Hip Hope New York” and “Couples Retreat”. Mendeecees was convicted on drug related charges and served four years in prison. His wife Yandy waited for him and supported him faithfully during his incarceration. She also became a prison reform activist.
An episode of “Couples Retreat” recently aired and Mendeecees was asked if he would support Yandy the way she supported him if she was incarcerated. He said he doesn’t know how he would react if the roles were reversed. The man that promised to be by her side through good times and bad admitted on a reality TV show that his vows were not sincere. Again, Yandy’s love and devotion amounted to a hill of beans. Her love is unrequited and unmatched. Yandy wasted her time and energy. She gained absolutely nothing.
I too have been a ride or die chick. About fifteen years ago I dated a man who was in the Army. The relationship happened while American troops were being deployed to Iraq. I thought I was in love with this man and I threw myself into supporting my soldier. I called him sometimes, wrote him and sent him things that he asked for. I watched the news every night and cried in front of the TV when the loss of troops was reported.
One day with tears in my eyes I tried to visualize my suitor sitting in front of the TV crying for me. I couldn’t see it. It didn’t seem feasible. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I began to question his feelings and intentions for me. He became dramatic and argumentative. I began to distance myself from him after that and the relationship fizzled out and ended. I wasted my energy, time, emotions and money. My love, care, loyalty, patriotism and devotion to this man amounted to nothing.
I took a long break from dating after that relationship. I remained completely single for about eight years before I took an interest in dating again. In those eight years I learned to make sure that any many I dated proved genuine interest and good intentions to me. I learned to take my time to ensure that a man invested in me. I am not interested in reciprocity. I’m interested in leadership. I don’t want tit for tat. I want a man that chooses me and proves to me that he is worthy to be a loyal husband.
Once I started dating again my circumstances improved. I have a boyfriend now who is clutch and very cute. But aside from that I learned how to get rid of men that weren’t showing me that they were sincere early on. Women need to understand that it doesn’t matter how much she loves a man. It doesn’t amount to anything. It matters how much he loves you.
Don’t be a ride or die chick. No sincere man wants a woman to be a ride or die chick. Only selfish men want that. A man with good intentions wants to be ride or die for her. A man that loves a woman wants her to be as stress and burden free as possible. He wants her to know that she can rely on him is she has struggles. It’s never the other way around.
I don’t know if these memes are jokes or if they are serious. Nonetheless, it is sad to me that they exist at all.
It seems that modern culture is telling women that they need to prove loyalty to men that are not their husbands or even boyfriends. In return for their loyalty I’m assuming these women get to marry a person that is self centered, manipulative, fake and generally not very nice. What joy!
Men don’t seem to be offering the same kind of loyalty in return, at least not right away. I guess they commit after they’ve exhausted all other options and they’ve wasted a lot of a woman’s time and energy. In other words they capitulate because they’ve wasted their time and now they’re probably not desirable to other women.
These relationships are based on desperation, limited options and limited understanding of a man’s role and a woman’s worth. I’m going to give a few examples of those living under simlar circumstances, demanded loyalty with little to nothing given in return:
Citizens of North Korea
The citizens of North Korea are required to be loyal to it’s leaders. In return for that loyalty the government doesn’t brutally punish and or execute them. Their loyalty isn’t really love of country as much as it is fear of being sent to a work camp, tortured and killed.
Slaves
Loyalty is demanded of slaves. Without loyalty there would be rebellion. The empowered person would lose complete control. All would be lost. Their sense of importance and probably money would be lost. Loyalty is maintained through violence and psychological bondage.
Dogs
Dogs are loyal. They don’t ask for much or have very high expectations. All they want is a pat on the head and a bowl of kibble. They’re loyalty comes very cheap. They simply want validation.
Mom
Moms are great. I love moms. If you ask most people who has always been loyal to them most would say their mom. Moms are loyal to human beings that are essentially useless in the beginning. But moms have high hopes. Babies are cute but they are a lot of work. Young children are exhausting.
Babies are just balls of potential. This type of loyalty is valiant in a mother but it is foolish from women in pseudo romantic relationships.
Men are supposed to show leadership in relationships and if they don’t do that they are not living up to their potential. Once a relationship is established loyalty is a two way street. Two people need to commit to each other and set boundaries for a relationship. No woman wants to be in a relationship where she feels like she is a citizen of a dictatorship, slave, pet or a man’s mother. There is no way true romance can blossom under those conditions. If a man is demanding loyalty without giving it or offering a future you are headed for a fake relationship devised to take advantage of you.
I got a good response from a post that I made yesterday called Ask 1000 Questions (The Right Questions). I decided to share another humorous gem that I ran across on Facebook a while back.
Ask lots of questions and take your time are both good bits of advice. It’s a good way to avoid the pitfalls of a fake relationship that was devised to use you. Remember that women are the vulnerable party in courtships. Men don’t have much to lose in fake no commitment relationships. Their investment is very small.
Women are more vulnerable to physical harm. Women form emotional attachments easier. Women go through pregnancy regardless if the father is involved or not. Women take on the responsibility of caring for children regardless if father is involved or not. And women are judged more harshly by society for past relationships with men.
It’s in a woman’s best interest to protect herself against the chicanery that is prevalent in the dating world. If a man isn’t willing to show you that he is interested in a commitment then he shouldn’t be allowed to take up a large space in your life. This is a drain of emotional energy that can be redirected somewhere else.
If men and women are going to date without commitment the terms of the relationship should be made clear and both parties should agree. It’s up to the couple to decide on the terms of a relationship. If both parties are honest and agree the details are completely up to them. But if we’re honest women want to be married 9/10.
If a man wants a particular woman he will rise to her standards. If a man is looking for a sex kitten, a security blanket, a nice lady to babysit his kids or someone to help him pay off his truck he is going to find a woman to fit that bill. He will probably never marry her. Once she’s served her purpose he will move on.
I know that people get lonely and desire attention and affection but it’s not worth it if it’s a counterfeit. Counterfeit, cubic zirconia affection causes more problems than being single. So ask 1,000 specific questions and take your time. It’s OK to walk away and if he walks away don’t chase him. Learn to cut your losses because you can’t just date anybody. Good luck everybody.
I enjoy social media because you learn the truth about people. Often times the truth is not pretty but it is the truth and there is always value in that. I’ve run across social media outlets that are geared towards men. The most common topic in these male spaces is women. They talk about their desires, complaints and preferences when it comes to the opposite sex. I will refer to them as The Complainers.
After eavesdropping on The Complainers and sometimes participating in some of these conversations I’ve found it very hard to follow the thought pattern of these men. I can’t figure out the end game. I feel like there is no real desire to come to an understanding with women and have respectful relationships. The on line commentary mostly expresses frustration and disdain for women. Love and partnership is rarely if ever mentioned.
These on line chats are under the guise of them being for men but I really think they exist to send messages to women while excluding them from the conversation. I think the goal is to manipulate women and to control them through criticism because it seems that women can’t do anything to satisfy these men. It’s rare that one of the complainers mentions a wife or girlfriend.
These are just a few of the contradictions that I’ve seen on The Complainers’ social media chats.
Women should stop wearing weave. -> Your hair is nappy and too short.
Women need to get off of welfare -> A college degree doesn’t make you more valuable to men.
Single mothers are undateable. -> Men shouldn’t get married.
All women are promiscuous. -> I would use her for a pump and dump but that’s it.
Women without fathers are damaged goods. -> Women are responsible for raising children.
Women are choosing careers over families. -> Women should be willing to split finances 50/50.
Women always pick the wrong guys. -> Women have unrealistic standards.
It’s OK for men to have preferences. -> Women that date outside of their race are bedwenches.
Women should commit young. -> Men should marry no sooner that their late thirties.
Women shouldn’t pressure men to commit. -> Women hit “The Wall” at thirty five.
Women seek out attention too much -> Women should welcome male attention in public.
Women focus on their looks too much -> Everyone wants to date someone attractive.
What conclusion can women come to after taking in this information? The only conclusion that I can reach is that there is some serious confusion out there along with disdain for women. Women’s humanity and intellect is completely overlooked and women are talked about as if they are inanimate objects.
I’ve never seen anyone go into detail about what perfection looks like and how to achieve it. The standards that The Complainers have is not sustainable or realistic because they want old fashioned, traditional womanhood without offering old fashioned traditional manhood. They complain about feminism but they fail to see how feminism benefits men. I think that men are the real benefactors of feminism because they don’t bear the same amount of responsibility as they once did. There aren’t very many expectations for men anymore.
If any man wanted an old fashioned relationship he just needs to decide that he wants to be an old fashioned man and then he needs to find a woman to go along with those ideals. I can see how that would be a challenge but I don’t think it’s impossible if a man is taking the lead, is realistic about his end of the bargain and expresses his intentions. Simply don’t date feminists if they bother you so much.
I think The Complainers know that they are not being completely honest in what they say but they aren’t willing to speak their truth. The truth is that they want to the best of both worlds. They like the lack of responsibility and easy sex that feminism provides but when they are ready to settle down in their later years they want a submissive housewife.
Actually The Complainer just a submissive woman because they don’t believe in legal marriage because if the relationship doesn’t work out he doesn’t want to give her any of the household finances. But he doesn’t want her to be educated and career oriented. And he wants her to be focused on the household and family.
It’s a never ending circle of contradictions that only completely benefits men. The Complainers simply want to use women as tools to validate their ego, breed their children, cook and clean. Meanwhile he doesn’t want to have any responsibility to his wife equivalent. The Complainers like to say that career women end up lonely and they use examples like forty something singles like Tiffany Haddish and Charlize Theron.
I believe there is a price to pay for women being career focused. I believe that a woman that puts her career first probably does miss out on some opportunities to marry and have children. But The Complainers all seem like douchebags anyway. They have no respect for women and they don’t discuss love or even raising children much. When they discuss childbearing they talk about women as if they are prized pit bulls or thoroughbred horses. I don’t think The Complainers offer much as far as a lifetime of love and devotion.
I’ve learned to disregard everything that The Complainers say. Even when they make valid points they say something mean which lets me know their true intentions and unsaid feelings. I hope the women make decisions that benefit themselves and honor God. Prepare yourself to be a good wife to a deserving man. But trying to satisfy the desires of men that want women to exist simply for the pleasure and convenience of men seems like a lost cause.
I am Black and a bit of a social media junkie. Social media outlets have pretty much figured out that I’m Black and they suggest pages, channels, people, places and things that other Black people frequent. I follow them as do others in my demographic. It creates little virtual communities and there you have it, the Black social media sphere. It has been fun, entertaining, and educational in good ways and bad. Black social media can be a useful and entertaining tool. But it can be very toxic.
I’ll start off by saying that Black people are not given enough credit for being so witty and creative. When I was a big Facebook and Twitter user my brothers and sisters would absolutely have me cracking up with their unique takes on various hashtags. Some social media users reminded me of the glory days of hip hop when being a little street or ghetto or whatever you call was meshed with intelligence and insight. We don’t get to see that much in the media anymore. I miss it.
Black social media users have also brought attention to injustices in America such as police brutality and racism in common places. Cell phone video and social media has given justice to many Black people that never would have gotten it otherwise. I think that is wonderful and heroic.
But I’ve decided to not follow a lot of Black social media pages due to the nature of the speaker or his or her followers. I blocked The Shade Room on IG years ago and my quality of life immediately improved. I stopped following the 1990s rapper David Banner because I got tired of being a defender of the faith. I blocked The Amazing Lucas on You Tube because he is trying a little too hard to prove that he is a conservative Black man. It’s sad to watch a Black man pander to people that way.
It’s difficult to build a social media following unless you already have some sort of claim to fame, an amazing talent or you fit a particular beauty standard and decide to flaunt your body for the sake social media popularity. I’m guessing that it may even be more difficult for non celebrity Black people to build a large following because I rarely see Black people discussing things that wouldn’t be considered a Black interest on social media. I’ve figured that the best way for Black people to gain a social media following is by being controversial within the on line Black community.
I think Black men have it the hardest in the social media world. It’s a little harder for them to find their social media niche. Many Black women and feminine Black men have gained social media notoriety by creating celebrity gossip outlets, make up and hair tutorials.
But I don’t see many Black men creating channels that aren’t about dissecting matters in the Black community. It seems to me that the easiest way for a Black man to gain a large social media following is by talking about such matters and blaming Black women for them. Some of the most successful Black You Tubers that I’m aware of are men that think that Black women are solely responsible for every single problem in the Black community. Like, seriously every – single – one. The mental gymnastics these guys do is impressive. Actually buying into it is a personality disorder of some sort.
I’ve never followed members of the He Man’s Woman Haters Club but men that follow these ideologies show up in the comment sections of other vlogs such as gossip channels or a channel that is talking about current events to a Black audience. They drop nasty remarks about Black women’s appearances, marital status, “attitude” or whatever. They even put Black women down for going to college and pursuing careers. I would like to think that most of these remarks are coming from trolls in Moscow but I know my people and this can’t all be blamed on the Russians.
It’s like some of these guys (to be fair, I’ve had Black women make rude remarks about my appearance, especially my hair as well) know that Black women are trying to avoid them so they come to where we are in order to insult us in some way. I’ve made what I thought was an innocuous comment and have had my personal appearance attacked by my fellow social media users. People like that are usually hiding behind an anonymous profile so I can’t be sure of who they are but I’m guessing a lot of the insults based on skin color and hair texture are coming from people with similar skin color and hair texture.
After degrading Black women these gentlemen go on to put fairer skinned women on a pedestal. I don’t understand why they didn’t do that in the first place and just left us out of it. No one needs to justify their dating and marriage choices to anyone. And you shouldn’t have to put someone else down in order to express your love for someone else. Black women return the vitriol. They too have set up channels and make comments tearing Black men apart. There is no way to have a community if men and women hate each other.
Another topic that’s caught a lot of traction on Black social media is “woke” Black people telling Black Christians to stop believing in Christ. I had to block the 90s rapper David Banner for this reason. People like him are arrogant and patronizing and always use the same two or three reasons to justify their opinions.
Their reasoning displays their ignorance about the Bible, geography, human history. This “woke”, afrocentric community are the ones that believe in a White, European Jesus. Not those of us with the understanding that Bethlehem isn’t in Europe. Once again, all they need to do is follow their heart. There is absolutely no need to degrade someone else in order to justify a personal choice. Leave us out of your personal choices and I’ll leave you out of mine.
I ran across a You Tuber named The Amazing Lucas one day and I decided to follow him. After watching a few of his videos I blocked him. I don’t need anymore of his videos. He’s a young Black man that would probably describe himself as being conservative. But after a while I guess he had to work harder to prove himself.
He’s too emotional about things that aren’t that big of a deal such as the political opinions of NBA players that he’s never even heard of. Lucas is of the belief that racism is all a figment of Black America’s imagination which I find to be a very condescending and delusional view point. The Amazing Lucas doesn’t seem to understand that racism is an economic and sociological matter.
I don’t know who runs The Shade Room but they are a horrible human being and their followers are complete morons. It’s hard to find a dumber group of people on social media than what you would find on that IG page. I blocked them a long time ago because they were on there making fun of Simone Biles body. That’s right. They body shamed a world class athlete.
People that enjoy The Shade Room only like women that look like strippers. It’s all they care about or respect. They absolutely love people from the Love and Hip Hop Series and various young rappers that I’ve never heard of. But they trash an Olympic champion because she’s not so called slim thick. They trashed Gabrielle Douglas as well. I believe they came for her because she mentioned something about women should dress modestly and they went berserk. I don’t share the values of most people in The Shade Room so I had to block them.
The death and funeral of rapper Nipsey Hustle and the trials and tribulations of TV personality Wendy Williams have dominated Black social media the last few weeks. Meanwhile three Black churches in Louisiana burned mysteriously and the son of a police officer was arrested for the crimes.
I was on a You Tube channel yesterday that fashions itself after a news broadcast. The host discussed the church fires and people in the comments section were talking about their disdain for Christianity, especially Black Christians. They are clearly missing the point. But if they are that stupid why bother talking to them. I blocked the channel. I think we need to shift our values a bit. Our community suffered a terrorist attack and
I understand that the death of Nipsey Hustle is yet another urban violent tragedy but last weekend six were shot at a baby shower in Chicago. I haven’t heard Black social media say a word about that. I didn’t know who Nipsey Hustle was until he died so his death is no different than all the other murders that happen in the Black community.
I think that we should use the powerful medium of social media to discuss that to the point of beating a dead horse like we do stupid topics like fake hair, inter racial dating and twerking. And men that are obsessed with women that they don’t like need to be the ones doing the talking instead of blaming everything on single mothers.
I wish that Black social media communities would just stop trying to tell others in their community what to do. Stop thinking you know what’s best for someone else. If we all do our part, Christians, Israelites, Agnostics, LGBT, feminists, etc. we can all make improvements to build a better future for everyone. But this intra racial at least snarkiness and at most hatred should stop. We need to learn to respect each other more. I don’t feel like Black people appreciate our differences.
Some of these conversations that take place have been going on for years and we have come to no conclusion or made no progress. They are trivial matters anyway so we should just move forward. I think there are a few things we should be able to agree on such as if you’re mad at someone you shouldn’t shoot up their baby shower and let’s discuss those matters. The rest of if is all just drivel and a huge waste of time and I refuse to participate in it anymore.
I’m a black and white person and a linear thinker. I’ve been told that I’m direct and blunt. My mother has been described as no nonsense and no frills so I supposed some of it may come from my upbringing. I’m fairly well organized and I like things to be in order. I like to have a clear understanding of things. Labels help us to have an understanding.
I’ve noticed that labels are becoming taboo in 2019. People don’t want to be labeled. They say they want to be free. But what do they want to be free from exactly. Once something is labeled there are expectations that go along with it. If you label a container as salt and you put sugar in it you’re pulling a prank. But if you never label the container the onus is on the person using the container. The person that filled the container has bypassed their responsibilty for what’s in it. And they were able to fool you with their prank.
Modern society is removing labels from things such as relationships between men and women, religious beliefs, sexuality, gender and race. I honestly think that people are disregarding labels because responsibility, expectations and history come with labels. I think people that don’t like labels are trying to remove themselves from those responsibilities, expectations and history. They often want to reap the benefits of the good and take no accountability for the bad.
Take the word whore for example. I’m not one to judge people on their sexuality. I just don’t see it as a big part of a person’s identity. It’s just a descriptive word to describe how much a person gets around. A whore might be a smart, nice person. I have friends and beloved relatives that can be described that way. There have been times when I could be considered one.
However, relabeling whore to “sexually liberated” is a b.s. move. It’s still the same thing and it still gets you the same penalties or rewards. Don’t try to sell that behavior as something other than what it is. A person that gets around is a person that gets around. If a person doesn’t like the stigma then they need to change the behavior.
I watched a You Tube video recently where a person said that they are not affiliated with any organized religion but they believed in God. That’s called Agnostic and she didn’t use that word because for some there are negative connotations that go along with that for some people
This woman probably wouldn’t get very far with the people she is trying to share her message with if she presented herself that way. She then goes on to say that she reads the Bible and she used a lot of language that most would recognize as spiritual or even specifically Christian. She never called her beliefs anything and she went on to talk about having a relationship with her creator.
All of that is fine but she said that she and her husband had a ministry channel on You Tube. What are they ministering exactly? What should we expect from their ministry? If she and her husbands are leaders of this ministry what can and should we expect from them? We don’t know because whatever she calls her beliefs is a secret yet she wants us to follow her. She’s not asking us to follow a religious text that we can read for ourselves and accept or reject or a religion that we can research and choose to be a part of or not before deciding to get involved.
This woman’s ministry is working in shadows. In fact she didn’t even show her face on her You Tube channel which wasn’t her ministry channel. Never go to a second location. The introduction is made in one location to make you feel comfortable. Second locations are always where the damage takes place.
People are reluctant to label their romantic relationships in modern times. Sugar and salt look alike at first glance. You probably have to get very close to it to know which is which. This is the case for many modern relationships. They look like traditional marriages from a distance.
There may be affection, a mortgage, children and other family ties but it’s still not a marriage. Those types of relationships don’t have the same kind of responsibility that a marriage has. There is always a backdoor and a lack of responsibility. Indeed there is a backdoor in a marriage as well but marriage comes with expectations so if a boundary is crossed someone needs to take responsibility for their choices. Not labeling a relationship takes away responsibilities and leaves doors open.
As far as sexuality is concerned I’ve seen high profile celebrities legally marry people of the opposite sex and refer to themselves as queer. This is along the same lines as cultural appropriation. A White performer wants to give themselves and edge and there is a time limit on how long a White performer can imitate urban fashion and dialect and get away with it if that is not genuinely who they are.
I like Miley a lot. I think her lovely personality is enough to further her career. But since her Disney days her career has been based on shock value and selling the public a rebellious image. She’s a child of privilege, that became wealthy as a child star. What’s wrong with that? I think that’s more interesting than vulgarity or her sexuality. I guess being a rich White girl isn’t street enough for Miley.
Femininity and Masculinity can be fluid. Your sex is not. Sex is a biological fact. People can go through medical procedures to change their anatomy which would make them a different gender. I’ve been hearing about sex change operations for decades so that is nothing new. But I’m so perplexed at people that want to change the definition of what a man and woman is. I really don’t see how you can.
There are some women that are masculine and there are men that are feminine. There are men that are attracted to men and women that have romantic love for women. That doesn’t change any biological fact about their gender. If society grows to accept the vague definition of gender women are going to suffer.
Race and ethnicity is a vague category. I’m sure that if we all took a DNA test none of us would be %100 anything. But I’m seeing a real push in the USA to try and get what is commonly known as Black people to call themselves something other than Black or African American. Meanwhile other people that are mixed race and or from other countries want to be considered Black, when it’s convenient of course.
I am a descendant of African slaves and my family has been in the United States for at least four generations. In 2019 those people are commonly called Black or African American. That works for me because I have no problem being Black. I think that people that want us to call ourselves something different are ashamed to be Black. I also think that at some point the government may start to take the demand for reparations seriously for the descendants of slaves. What’s going to happen to all of these folks that have dropped the label of Black or African American then? If I’m still alive to cash that check my Black self is going to have a hearty laugh at them.
People that want Black Americans to call themselves Egyptians or Israelites often speak to us as if we are downtrodden, ignorant people. Yes, Black people have a lot of problems but we have been given a lot of problems for centuries so what exactly is to be expected. The only thing that will change if American Blacks decide to stop calling themselves Black or African American is that we will lose our rich and fascinating history. We will lose our influence on American and global culture. There is nothing to gain by giving ourselves a new label.
The times we live in remind me of an episode of “Twilight Zone” that I saw long ago called “Wordplay”. A man finds himself within a world where all of the words have a different meaning to his understanding and it causes confusion and frustration.
There is nothing wrong with labels. The problem comes from people and their judgements and attitude towards what is being labeled. Judgemental behavior won’t change by calling something by a different name. I can go to City Hall in my town and have my name changed from Shannon to Susie. I’m still the same person and any opinion that you had of me before is the same. You’re just calling it by a different name. Ron Artest and Metta World Peace are the same man. The only thing that changed were the letters (and number) on the back of his jersey.
I question people that are sensitive about labels without making and meaningful changes. People are trying to say that things that are the same are different and things that are different are the same. The relabeling always seems to be for the benefit of one group and the deficit of another. I think these modern word games are just a smokescreen for manipulation and deception.
A few months ago I ran across MGTOW pages on You Tube. MGTOW is an acronym for Men Go Their Own Way. I don’t consider myself to be a feminist so I listened to what these men have to say with an open mind. These men make some valid points in their videos.
I do believe that feminism has given some women unrealistic expectations of life and of men. I have observed women being very selfish and demanding in relationships. These women have grown up being told they are worth it and they are princesses by companies that want to sell fantasies to women. I also don’t think that society respects decent men the way it should.
I had the experience of working in the jewelry retail business for about eight years on a part time or full time basis. I observed a lot of self entitled, selfish, materialistic and delusional behavior while I was in that business. I understand why some men decide to not marry or date women.
However, after running across enough MGTOW videos I came to realize that these men were just making excuses to hate women and they themselves were quite delusional. First of all, if a person decides they don’t want to be bothered with someone or something they just quietly walk away from it and go on with their life. They do not form a band of brothers and focus on the people that they claim to not want to be around. MGTOW is obsessed with women and they see women as enemies. They don’t focus on having satisfying lives as single men.
And these men have not actually walked away. Time and time again I heard MGTOW use the term pump and dump. So they are actually involved with women enough to sleep with them. They must be hooking up on dating websites or bars in a string of one night stands or they are lying to women long enough to sleep with them and not speak to them again. They claim to be successful men however all this pumping and dumping sounds like a lot of time consuming, life complicating work to me.
MGTOW has a very strange obsession with youth. They believe that they become more valuable with age and women become less valuable. When I say they are interested in young women I mean very young. MGTOW thinks that women are over the hill by the time they are twenty five. I have read many You Tube comments where men in their forties prefer to date nineteen year olds and men in their fifties date women in their mid twenties.
I understand being attracted to youth and beauty. However it usually takes youth and beauty get it. I hate to break it to you fellas out there but women are attracted to youth as well. If you are a mature person think back to when you were twenty and how old you thought thirty was. I was not interested in men that old when I was very young and I don’t think most women are unless the man is super charming, uncommonly attractive for his age or unless there is a financial incentive.
But wait, I thought MGTOW men didn’t like women that are gold diggers! It sounds to me that these men waste their young years when they have the opportunity to organically and without complications win over a young bride and wait until they are old men to try and date someone that wants a sugar daddy.
When I hear of old movie or rock stars in their sixties dating much younger women and having more children I figure that they are smart enough men to know the game. They are trading money for youth and beauty and the opportunity to have more children. I don’t think any of those men think that their young lovers would be by their side if it wasn’t for the money and prestige. There are indeed May-December romances that are true love but it’s not the norm. And even if the man is not wealthy he probably still is generous with his money and indulges his young girlfriend in exchange for her attention and affection. At least I hope so. If she’s not she’s not too smart.
MGTOW men make it a point to explain to people why they are single. Perhaps some women just chose not to marry or just never found what they wanted in a partner. I am forty three and there are opportunities for relationships for women my age however there is not a lot of incentive to start the relationship.
It’s not likely that I will be starting a family at this point unless it was through adoption. And there are so many more variables to consider in relationships as you get older. Careers are more developed, there are children, grandchildren, aging parents and health issues. Everyone has baggage and it gets heavier with age.
People have joked about cat ladies but has anyone said they are unhappy? They are not the ones on You Tube complaining. If anything they are just enjoying themselves and watching cat videos. Perhaps spinsters decided to go their own way long ago and quietly go about their lives which is what MGTOW needs to do.
MGTOW’s ugly behavior over shadows any of the valid points they have. And the attraction that these middle aged men have for teenagers makes them pretty darn shady. They are a bit delusional about the women they have access to as they age. I wrote a piece once about the number one rule of dating. That is people date and marry their equivalent or there is a trade off of some sort i.e. wealth for youth and beauty. I respect anyone’s choice not to marry and or have children male or female. But it’s your choice.
The vast majority of dating advice that is dished out on social media is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t think that a lot of these people have even had more than three dates with the same person. But I am here to help with my bit of dating advice and it may be the last advice you need and I have career experience to qualify what I am saying.
Like pairs up with like. That’s it. If you haven’t met that special someone yet it’s not that there is necessarily anything wrong with you. It’s you just haven’t met your match yet. I worked in the jewelry retail business for about six years on a part time or full time basis.
I sold jewelry for companies such as Zales, Kay, Helzberg and a small local jeweler. I helped couples shop for engagement rings and gifts. The thing I noticed over time is that couples mirrored each other. Quiet people were with quiet people. Outgoing people were with outgoing people. Intellectual was with intellectual. Arrogant linked up with arrogant. You get the picture.
I think the biggest barrier people have with dating is not staying in their lane. One of my favorite TV shows is “90 Day Fiance”. It’s a reality show that tells the stories of couples that were in international romances navigating the immigration system, family turmoil and culture shock. A common theme on the show is people trying to date people that are significantly younger.
In most of the couples the only way the older person has the opportunity to date a person in their twenties is if they have an economic edge. If the younger party was from the US they most likely wouldn’t consider the older person for romance. Most of these people are not wealthy so they go overseas and choose a partner from a poor country. The result is a hit TV show but most of these relationships have struggles and some fail. They didn’t stay in their lane.
I don’t think dating is about hitting a mark. It’s about finding someone that compliments you. One thing that I don’t think people understand is that you don’t have the right to expect something out of a person that you don’t offer yourself. You shouldn’t expect to date someone fit if you’re not in shape. You can’t judge someone for their amount of sexual partners if you’ve been on the ho stroll for years. You don’t deserve someone with good finances if you are terrible with money.
Even if you attracted someone that was your ideal your differences may cause many struggles if you’re able to find common ground at all. If you’re a neat freak you probably won’t get very far with a slob. A pious person probably wouldn’t get along with an atheist in intimate circumstances. The list goes on and on.
Throw out all value judgements on who society tells you to love. Be honest about what you have to offer and find someone that complements you. When I worked in the jewelry business I met a lot of well cared for women that didn’t look like supermodels and had probably been around the block a bit but their men fit the same description. I’ve heard stories of couples meeting in AA meetings and detention in high school. Look for love where you are and from someone that reminds you…of you.
Women need to require respect; not love, attention or affection. It all comes down to respect and if my theory is correct the rest will follow. It’s just a theory because no one has proven me right yet. Respect is black and white and you know it when you see it. Love is harder to identify and affection is cheap these days.
Women seem to be a bit desperate in 2017 and it’s pretty sad. We have more professional opportunities than we’ve ever had and we can make our own choices when it comes to relationships. But many of us seem to be choosing to run after the chance to be loved as if we are puppies that have been left home alone all day.
I did that type of things in my younger more naive days. I use to assume that if a man was calling you daily and taking you out he was interested in a relationship that would lead to marriage. I’ve learned that men will engage in relationships for years with women that they have no intention of marrying. I went through one relationship like that in my starry eyed mid twenties and then I did it again during my scary age, the early thirties.
These men were not bad people and I don’t really fault them for anything. But I gave them my heart after receiving a little bit of attention and affection. I didn’t make them prove to me that they respected me as a woman. I don’t even think I knew what that meant at the time.
Women are being told that we are wrong for being too emotional in relationships and wanting a commitment. Sorry guys but I’m a woman and this isn’t a porn movie where you can separate the woman from her vagina. Women tend to want to be committed and eventually married. I understand that there are exceptions to rules but that’s typically how women are.
Because the world doesn’t really respect a feminine nature relationships are now being played by men’s rules. Men are under no pressure to commit to women or even be nice to them. But sex is expected in casual relationships right away. Women often feel pressure to have sex just to get the chance at another date. The men will take the sex and they may call her again or they may not. Men may live with the mother of their children for years and he may marry her or he may not. It’s all up to him and what he feels like doing.
I’ve heard the cliche that marriage is just a piece of paper and it doesn’t make a commitment. I’ve heard women say this. But it’s funny that after dating several years when the man asks the women usually say yes. She’s been waiting around with bated breath for years and now the man feels that she is the best option after looking around the market he commits.
I think that if a woman just wants a casual or even mostly sexual relationship she had better make sure a man respect her first. I don’t see how anyone can get turned on by someone they have doubts about. In 2017 if you don’t have doubts about a person you might start seeing you haven’t been paying attention. If a lady is not wanting marriage or an ongoing romance she should at least want the man to be nice to her and care for her well being. I don’t see how even a casual fling can be worthwhile without basic respect.
Once a man has respect for a woman I think love and affection will follow. All of us girls need to relax and stop being so anxious. Too many of us are anxious to be some man’s concubine. People are proud of it these days. Just look at this picture of Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez.
I know I shouldn’t feel bad for someone like Jennifer Lopez but I do. This seems desperate and childish to me. This woman is well into her forties for goodness sake and the mother of two. She is wealthy and has a very successful career as a pop singer. Why is she so proud to be this man’s piece of tail? I don’t think that a man with good intentions treats the woman that he loves like this in “Vanity Fair”. Where is the respect?
I’ve seen several pictures on Instagram of couples where the man is grabbing the woman’s behinds and the women stand there looking satisfied and in love. I think some of them were engagement photos. Now why aren’t there pictures of women grabbing men’s crotches and looking at the camera as the proud own while the man looks all starry eyed? It probably doesn’t happen because men wouldn’t publicly tolerate that type of disrespect.
So ladies, we need to seek respect and the rest will come afterwards. Don’t be desperate to attach yourself to a man that may not really love you. I believe the basis of love is respect. Think about what respect is and what it looks like. It is probably different for everyone but here is the definition to help. Notice that tits, ass and sexual prowess is not mentioned in the definition of respect. That can be found anywhere and none of those things make you valuable beyond the end of a man’s ****.
re·spect
rəˈspekt/
noun
1.
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
“the director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor”
synonyms:
esteem, regard, high opinion, admiration, reverence, deference, honor
“the respect due to a great artist”
2.
a particular aspect, point, or detail.
“the government’s record in this respect is a mixed one”
synonyms:
aspect, regard, facet, feature, way, sense, particular, point, detail
“the report was accurate in every respect”
verb
1.
admire (someone or something) deeply, as a result of their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
“she was respected by everyone she worked with”
synonyms:
esteem, admire, think highly of, have a high opinion of, hold in high regard, hold in (high) esteem, look up to, revere, reverence, honor
Shannon in Kansas City YT: KC Bible Study IG: @showmeshannon Twitter: kcshannonlee1 