The Reason Relationships Fail part 2

Science is not my strong suit. But I do remember a few things from high school chemistry class. I remember doing experiments and if a chemical got contaminated the experiment was ruined and we had to start over or not get credit for the assignment. We were instructed on how not to contaminate the chemical in order to not waste time and risk failure. There were meticulous details on how to handle containers with the chemicals. Handling the chemicals and their containers was a lesson within itself.

Relationships fail because they become contaminated and later turn toxic. The contaminants are things like dishonesty, anger, mean words, disrespect and insincerity. Once a relationship is contaminated you may need to start over because it’s ruined. By starting over I mean find a new partner or be happily single. Starting over is disappointing but it’s better than trying to maintain a tainted relationship.

The best thing a new couple can do is try to keep the relationship pure by being nice, understanding, honest and having good communication. You have to handle each other with care. The extra effort is worthwhile unless you see the relationship as disposable from the start.

I remember that some experiments could be saved with another chemical that can clean contaminants. Patience, understanding and forgiveness can clean up toxins along with changed behavior. Sometimes the experiment is too far gone to be restored.

My conclusion is to keep a new relationship pure with honesty, good communication, and nice behavior. Don’t see relationships as disposable. Even if you don’t care about a relationship turning toxic because you see it as disposable you will contaminate yourself. Relationships can be detoxed with understanding and forgiveness but it’s never quite the same as it was before the toxins being introduced. Move forward with new relationships with caution. You don’t want irreparable contaminate your new pairing so you don’t have to start over with a new one or choose singleness.

The Reason Relationships Fail

There is one reason relationships fail: unmet expectations. That fact is true regardless of the type of relationship. Whether it be romantic, professional, friendship or family relationships they all end because expectations were not met . This essay is about romantic relationships. For context, this is from a heterosexual perspective. I believe that men should pursue and initiate and women set the parameters and standards for a relationship.

If the proper respect and communication is in place a relationship it can be salvaged through honest conversations and adjustments when expectations are not being met. Without the proper respect and communication the relationship will crumble due to the disappointment and hard feelings.

The beginning of dating relationships is great because you don’t expect a lot from people you haven’t known long. At the beginning of a dating relationship your suitor is a mere cute and charming stranger or casual acquaintance. It’s best to make your intentions and expectations know while the relationship is still new.

Unfortunately, people aren’t always honest about their intentions and they take advantage of the gray area that exists in a new relationship. Sometimes people have no idea what they really want so they go along to get along. The woman usually decides when the gray area should become more defined. The definition is on a graduated scale. The woman is usually the one conscious of the graduated scale.

People have define commitment in various ways 2021. It comes in the form of traditional marriage, co habitation or perhaps just a steady date and companion. Feelings and expectations change over time as a relationship goes on. Regardless of what commitment looks like a woman may feel that she is entitled to a certain level of respect and consideration in a longer relationship. If the man does not satisfy the woman’s expectations the relationship will begin to unravel.

The relationship can be saved through communication and coming to an agreement. If both parties value the relationship enough to save it an understanding needs to be reached in order to stay together in a harmony. Or they can agree to disagree and split up which is also a valid choice.

What often happens after a couple has been together for a while is that the woman is interested in a commitment or at least for the relationship to be clearly defined. She wants to know exactly how the man feels about her. She wants to know if there is a future with the man. Men often want to stay in the undefined, gray area as long possible. But the woman’s feelings are always going to change and grow with time if she has any genuine feelings for the man. With that comes greater expectations.

She will probably expect more from him as far as time, respect, affection commitment, etc. If he isn’t prepared to honor her expectations that the relationship will either end, they won’t get along or she will stay and be unhappy. It comes down to figuring out if you have the same goals in mind from the start, respect and communication. This is a make or break time for couples. It’s time to decide to break up or commit.

It’s all pretty simple but people are often dishonest from the outset and don’t communicate in riddles. A relationship like this is doomed to fail. I don’t think anyone should date before eighteen. Therefore, dating is for adults. Adults are responsible for communicating what they want. If an intelligent adult is acting like they can’t communicate and verbalize feelings after an adequate amount of getting to know the person I think they are being manipulative. Do with it as you will.

Love is a gamble but know when to give up. Some relationships can be like throwing your money into a lousy slot machine. In dating relationships it’s not hard to express how you feel about someone. If feelings are genuine you should be eager to let your partner know how you feel. You should want to assure your partner. In a cold world your relationship should be a warm, fuzzy safe place. Not a source of confusion, frustration, misunderstanding and stress. There’s nothing wrong with being a quitter.

Dating Scam: Low Bidding

I’ve discussed a few modern dating scams on this blog. Low bidding is a tactic utilized by users, leeches and people with low self esteem. (The leech can be male or female and any sexual orientation. But I write from a heterosexual female point of view.) They want a person (usually a woman) that is out of their reach. Instead of using their energy and time trying to become a person (usually a man) that can get their dream date they settle.

Settling is not a bad thing if you have some appreciation for what you are settling for. You may have wanted a juicy steak for dinner but you will settle for a can of ravioli. Ravioli is delicious, inexpensive easy to make and convenient. Sometimes it’s appropriate for the situation. We’ve all settled at some point. But if you’re going to be resentful and bitter instead of appreciative and grateful about the opportunity that presented itself to you please don’t settle. Hold out for what you really want and leave the can of ravioli on the shelf for someone that would request canned ravioli for their last meal. It’s all relative.

And settling is not a bad thing. In this case I will call it redirection. We all have a wish list and sometimes we find out the things on our list are not what they are cracked up to be, in short supply or the admiration is not returned. At that point of getting checked by reality you need to recalculate your course and plan a new strategy. We’ve all done it. It’s called growing up.

Let’s say that a gentleman meets you and you hit some of his metrics. You’re good enough for somethings but not others. You may be good enough for the night time but not the day time. You might be good enough for friends with benefits but not good enough to meet his friends. He might put in a low bid. Examples of low bidding are:

going dutch on dates
being vague about intentions
sexual innuendo/lack of respect
poor treatment

He’s letting you know from the start what he thinks you’re worth. Only a desperate woman would accept any of the bids in the bullet points. It’s up to you to set a high value for yourself. You can’t wait for men to value you because many of them don’t value themselves, women in general or long term relationships. The term “pump and dump” comes to mind.

This photo came from an about bidding on materials in the construction business. It illustrates why low bids can be a waste of time. Here is the article if you are interested.

The Frustrating Truth About Deliberate Low Bids – No One Really Wins!

These men don’t value themselves as human beings if they are willing to share their body with any woman that will allow it. That’s particularly true if they are having unprotected sex. They don’t even care about potential offspring or their health. And no, this isn’t a man being a man. It’s a jerk being a jerk. Jerk can be applied to either gender or the ones in between that I don’t quite understand.

If low bidders thought they could get a woman that met their standards to love and respect them they would pursue that. They don’t think they can because they lack confidence. Male language on social media reflects this. Men that say they need to “get themselves together” or “get their money up” before pursuing a long term relationship are pretty much stating that they don’t have what it takes at the moment to attract a woman that they find worthy. They don’t think of themselves as worthy.

I’m not saying that finances are not an issue. But so is personality and couples can grow together. And poverty is not an excuse to use another person. If you want to wait until you’ve made your first million to pursue a relationship that is a respectable plan. But don’t bother other people while you’re trying to achieve that goal. You’ll probably get there faster without the distractions anyway.

Low bidding is a sign of a potential abusive partner. He (or she) may do or say mean and inconsiderate things to see what their new potential partner is willing to tolerate. They may like to control and exploit their partner. Domination and intimidation is validating for bullies.

During the early stages of a relationship you should jump ship at the first sign of disrespect. It’s easier to leave in the beginning because a big investment hasn’t been made. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and bad situations usually don’t get better. You just need to remove yourself from harmful relationships and the sooner you can do it the better.

The beginning stages of dating are an observation period. If you observe troublesome behavior block the number and go on with your life. Don’t allow low bidders to insult you and don’t entertain them if they decide to come back around. If you allow them back into your life after kicking them out then you are behaving more desperate than you would have if you accepting them in the first place. A leopard doesn’t change its spots and bad situations usually don’t get better.

He’s about to eat you up!

Imagine if you had a car for sale and you were aware of the Blue Book value. You realistically assessed your car so you have a good idea of what you can get for it. If you’re a smart business person you’re not going to accept a ridiculously low bid. You’re going to disregard the low bidder as not serious and not allow them to waste anymore of your time. Just block the number.

I made the comparisons to a single person on the dating market to meals and cars. I’m just trying to make a point about a bidding process. There are some things like real estate and cars that aren’t good values so they won’t warrant a high price. However, human being are not property and inanimate objects. No one is called to be used in a demolition derby, stripped for parts or torn down for what’s underneath them. An Omaha 7 may never date an LA 9 but everyone that is nice deserves a suitable and loving partner.

TI’s Hymen Test is Indicative of the way the World Seeks to Control Black Female Sexuality

Recently rapper TI remarked on a podcast that he took his daughter to a gynecologist yearly and had the doctor check to ensure her hymen was still intact. This is supposed to prove that the eighteen year old girl has never had sex. All families operate differently and what is peculiar to one family may be acceptable in another.

I found TI’s admission to be a bit Taliban like and I was shocked that he was so comfortable telling the world about this daddy daughter tradition. But TI has shot his mouth off several times in 2019. As far as I’m concerned his daughter has joined a list of people and entities to whom TI owes an apology.

In my opinion there is more power for women in modest dress and morals. But if a woman decides differently for herself I am no one to tell her differently. An adult person has the right to choose what to do with their body. I certainly don’t blame a parent for advising a young adult child to abstain from sex. I would do the same if I was the parent of an eighteen year old son or daughter.

But to try an enforce abstinence with an iron fist implies that you are uncomfortable with that person’s sexuality. It’s as if the enforcer sees sex as an inherently unclean and harmful act. And here is the bottom line. Overall, Black Americans and the world at large view Black female sexuality as nefarious and dirty. Most people do not have a healthy view of Black female sexuality. That even includes Black women and men. Many Black men of Generation X and younger may have negative views of Black women and sexuality. Being a hip hop star doesn’t make one exempt.

Just look at the music that many Black artists, particularly rappers such as TI have produced over the last thirty years or so. Much of it is based on cheap sex, where the woman is not valued and the men seem resent the women. R & B as a genre has slowly been phased out of popular music so it’s rare to hear songs about sweet romances and healthy sexual experiences anymore. What we are left with are tunes based on casual sexual experiences and the bitterness and anger that often accompanies them.

Black Americans are heavily influenced by mainstream American culture which always seeks to affirm White righteousness. These attitudes do nothing to benefit Black people but many of us absorb and admire the dominant culture around us. Many of us are desperately trying to assimilate to a culture that makes us the butt of jokes and places us at a disadvantage.

It is pretty unusual for Hollywood to cast a Black woman as a romantic lead or to address Black female sexuality and romantic relationships at all. Black women are typically presented as matronly, undesirable and asexual by Hollywood. Image makers know what they are doing when they place certain consistent messages before their audience. Hollywood and the media seeks to neuter Black women.

I’ll point out that when the entertainment business does address Black, female heterosexuality the Black woman is usually presented as desperate and her desperation or failure at relationships is comic relief or fuel for a story line about her suffering. It is very rare to see a Black woman, that looks like a woman with two Black parents in a loving, stable relationship in the media.

Black women, particularly those with dark skin and kinky hair are fed a steady stream of negativity about what they look like through the media and often personal interactions. I believe that this is a deliberate attempt to control Black female heterosexual activity. It’s the ultimate c—block. There are many within the Black community that are in on the act.

Undoubtedly, TI has taken advantage of and abused (I don’t mean criminally. I have a broader definition of abuse. What many call normal sexual behavior in the modern era I think of as abusive.) numerous women. Because of his own behavior he now has an unhealthy view of female sexuality. TI doesn’t even seem to have a respectful relationship with his own wife.

He doesn’t want his daughter to be taken for granted, abused, used and discarded. He doesn’t want his daughter to be treated like a human blow up doll. He doesn’t want his daughter to be thought of as a piece of flesh that exists for a man’s pleasure. He doesn’t want his daughter manipulated, mislead or lied to in order for a man to gain access to her body. TI has probably engaged in all of this type of reckless behavior which has given him a negative view of female sexuality.

Safety, comfort, acceptance and trust are what set the mood for a woman to have a healthy sexual relationship with a man. These conditions are what give women the freedom to express themselves sexually. Unfortunately, Black women are not offered these conditions and this freedom as often as women of other communities. So sex as it relates to Black women often comes with negative connotations instead of romantic, pleasurable, affirming ones.

People seek to control acts that they see as nefarious and vile. Black, female, heterosexual behavior is seen as unwholesome and dirty under the global system of White supremacy. Therefore, it is seen as something that needs to be monitored and controlled with no thought to the well being of Black women.

The Modern Dating Scam: the Bait and Switch Date

There are a lot of scams involved in dating these days. Before you can look for love you need to be sure that they’re not simply looking to use you. I’ve noticed a dating trend over the last few years. I’m going to call it the bait and switch date and here’s how it works.

Let’s say a man and woman take interest in each other so they make a date. It’s Wednesday and they plan a day at a park for Sunday afternoon. As it gets close to time for the date the man finds a reason to modify the plans. He will come up with an excuse as to why the date that was planned won’t work on Sunday morning.

He may give excuses like:

It’s going to be a bit cool. (The seven day forecast told us that. Wear a jacket.)
He has hay fever. (Didn’t he know that before?)
He wants to see you but he has to do something later that night so he will be pressed for time. He doesn’t want to be rushed. (When did that come up? Why did you even make this plan with me if you had something to do later?)

As far as you’re concerned the plans can be canceled and we can see each other a different day. We can do something all together different if a firm plan is put into place. But he says that he wants to see you today. (Awww) You’ve taken the bait. You’ve already agreed to spend time with him and reserved a block of time for him.

He had no desire or probably intention to ever go to the park. His wheels have been turning for the last few days to see how an afternoon in the park can end up with time alone so he can try and have sex with you. He may also have made a suggestion that he thought you would like to butter you up. An idea of a pleasant afternoon may be enough to get you on the hook.

Here’s the switch. So now he suggests that the two of you meet up for drinks or a bite to eat at a bar or cafe near his house instead of going to the park and the two of you can talk and see where the afternoon goes.

Don’t trust men when they say “Let’s see where it goes”. Don’t trust them ever. Just don’t. Hit the eject button. Flakiness in men is usually a smoke bomb which creates a confusing gray area for them to exploit and people can be hurt that way to varying degrees.

In my opinion it would be a lot more respectful and mature if a man said, “Hey, I’m interested in casual sex this afternoon. Are you up for it? I have no interest in a long term commitment from you but you are kind of sexy.” The woman is then empowered to say yes or no. She can even open the conversation up to terms, conditions and negotiations.

But they don’t want to negotiate and put everything out on the table because they don’t want women to be empowered in that way. The US workforce works the same way. There’s a reason union labor has dwindled. Negotiations empowered marginalized workers. The workers got a chance to have their voices heard and companies were bound to an agreement. Large companies didn’t like that so they undermined union labor. The sexual revolution and feminism undermined and eroded women’s bargaining power. Men are no longer bound to anything but their own needs.

The world is run by men. They know how to make decisions, speak their mind and come to compromises. That’s why I look for leadership in men when it comes to personal relationships. To me leadership involves being able to make a firm decision and having the ability to make plans. Waffling back and forth is not attractive. I’ve learned that when men are being flaky and vague it’s not confusion it’s deception. He is pulling a bait and switch.

Loyalty: One of the Values of a Fake Relationship

I don’t know if these memes are jokes or if they are serious. Nonetheless, it is sad to me that they exist at all.

It seems that modern culture is telling women that they need to prove loyalty to men that are not their husbands or even boyfriends. In return for their loyalty I’m assuming these women get to marry a person that is self centered, manipulative, fake and generally not very nice. What joy!

Men don’t seem to be offering the same kind of loyalty in return, at least not right away. I guess they commit after they’ve exhausted all other options and they’ve wasted a lot of a woman’s time and energy. In other words they capitulate because they’ve wasted their time and now they’re probably not desirable to other women.

These relationships are based on desperation, limited options and limited understanding of a man’s role and a woman’s worth. I’m going to give a few examples of those living under simlar circumstances, demanded loyalty with little to nothing given in return:

Citizens of North Korea

north korea

The citizens of North Korea are required to be loyal to it’s leaders. In return for that loyalty the government doesn’t brutally punish and or execute them. Their loyalty isn’t really love of country as much as it is fear of being sent to a work camp, tortured and killed.

Slaves

Loyalty is demanded of slaves. Without loyalty there would be rebellion. The empowered person would lose complete control. All would be lost. Their sense of importance and probably money would be lost. Loyalty is maintained through violence and psychological bondage.

slave rebellion

Dogs

Dogs are loyal. They don’t ask for much or have very high expectations. All they want is a pat on the head and a bowl of kibble. They’re loyalty comes very cheap. They simply want validation.

dogs

Mom

Moms are great. I love moms. If you ask most people who has always been loyal to them most would say their mom. Moms are loyal to human beings that are essentially useless in the beginning. But moms have high hopes. Babies are cute but they are a lot of work. Young children are exhausting.

Babies are just balls of potential. This type of loyalty is valiant in a mother but it is foolish from women in pseudo romantic relationships.

mom

Men are supposed to show leadership in relationships and if they don’t do that they are not living up to their potential. Once a relationship is established loyalty is a two way street. Two people need to commit to each other and set boundaries for a relationship. No woman wants to be in a relationship where she feels like she is a citizen of a dictatorship, slave, pet or a man’s mother. There is no way true romance can blossom under those conditions. If a man is demanding loyalty without giving it or offering a future you are headed for a fake relationship devised to take advantage of you.

Head Trips and Mind Games

I enjoy social media because you learn the truth about people. Often times the truth is not pretty but it is the truth and there is always value in that. I’ve run across social media outlets that are geared towards men. The most common topic in these male spaces is women. They talk about their desires, complaints and preferences when it comes to the opposite sex. I will refer to them as The Complainers.

After eavesdropping on The Complainers and sometimes participating in some of these conversations I’ve found it very hard to follow the thought pattern of these men. I can’t figure out the end game. I feel like there is no real desire to come to an understanding with women and have respectful relationships. The on line commentary mostly expresses frustration and disdain for women. Love and partnership is rarely if ever mentioned.

These on line chats are under the guise of them being for men but I really think they exist to send messages to women while excluding them from the conversation. I think the goal is to manipulate women and to control them through criticism because it seems that women can’t do anything to satisfy these men. It’s rare that one of the complainers mentions a wife or girlfriend.

These are just a few of the contradictions that I’ve seen on The Complainers’ social media chats.

Women should stop wearing weave. -> Your hair is nappy and too short.

Women need to get off of welfare -> A college degree doesn’t make you more valuable to men.

Single mothers are undateable. -> Men shouldn’t get married.

All women are promiscuous. -> I would use her for a pump and dump but that’s it.

Women without fathers are damaged goods. -> Women are responsible for raising children.

Women are choosing careers over families. -> Women should be willing to split finances 50/50.

Women always pick the wrong guys. -> Women have unrealistic standards.

It’s OK for men to have preferences. -> Women that date outside of their race are bedwenches.

Women should commit young. -> Men should marry no sooner that their late thirties.

Women shouldn’t pressure men to commit. -> Women hit “The Wall” at thirty five.

Women seek out attention too much -> Women should welcome male attention in public.

Women focus on their looks too much -> Everyone wants to date someone attractive.

What conclusion can women come to after taking in this information? The only conclusion that I can reach is that there is some serious confusion out there along with disdain for women. Women’s humanity and intellect is completely overlooked and women are talked about as if they are inanimate objects.

I’ve never seen anyone go into detail about what perfection looks like and how to achieve it. The standards that The Complainers have is not sustainable or realistic because they want old fashioned, traditional womanhood without offering old fashioned traditional manhood. They complain about feminism but they fail to see how feminism benefits men. I think that men are the real benefactors of feminism because they don’t bear the same amount of responsibility as they once did. There aren’t very many expectations for men anymore.

If any man wanted an old fashioned relationship he just needs to decide that he wants to be an old fashioned man and then he needs to find a woman to go along with those ideals. I can see how that would be a challenge but I don’t think it’s impossible if a man is taking the lead, is realistic about his end of the bargain and expresses his intentions. Simply don’t date feminists if they bother you so much.

I think The Complainers know that they are not being completely honest in what they say but they aren’t willing to speak their truth. The truth is that they want to the best of both worlds. They like the lack of responsibility and easy sex that feminism provides but when they are ready to settle down in their later years they want a submissive housewife.

Actually The Complainer just a submissive woman because they don’t believe in legal marriage because if the relationship doesn’t work out he doesn’t want to give her any of the household finances. But he doesn’t want her to be educated and career oriented. And he wants her to be focused on the household and family.

It’s a never ending circle of contradictions that only completely benefits men. The Complainers simply want to use women as tools to validate their ego, breed their children, cook and clean. Meanwhile he doesn’t want to have any responsibility to his wife equivalent. The Complainers like to say that career women end up lonely and they use examples like forty something singles like Tiffany Haddish and Charlize Theron.

I believe there is a price to pay for women being career focused. I believe that a woman that puts her career first probably does miss out on some opportunities to marry and have children. But The Complainers all seem like douchebags anyway. They have no respect for women and they don’t discuss love or even raising children much. When they discuss childbearing they talk about women as if they are prized pit bulls or thoroughbred horses. I don’t think The Complainers offer much as far as a lifetime of love and devotion.

I’ve learned to disregard everything that The Complainers say. Even when they make valid points they say something mean which lets me know their true intentions and unsaid feelings. I hope the women make decisions that benefit themselves and honor God. Prepare yourself to be a good wife to a deserving man. But trying to satisfy the desires of men that want women to exist simply for the pleasure and convenience of men seems like a lost cause.

I’ve Retired from Online Dating

I’ve retired from on line dating. Or you could say I’ve given up. You could also say I’ve aged out of the system. Regardless, I’m not doing it anymore. I wish I could say I’ve met a wonderful man so I not longer need the help but that isn’t the case. I’m single and if I have to go on a dating website to meet someone I prefer to remain single.

On line dating was an interesting experience and I learned a lot. I’ve tried different sites over the years. Most of what I learned is discouraging and it kind of makes me glad and proud to be single. I’m going to share some of my experiences and observations as a Black, Christian, college educated woman. I hope this is helpful to others.

The first problem with on line dating is simply that it’s kind of boring. You match with various people on the site and they mostly look alike, dress alike and say the same things. Most of them are not very good conversationalists. I ended up leading a lot of the conversations and when I ask people what they like to do with their free time and what their interests were many of them were at a loss.

Conversations on dating sites start like conversations at social events and night spots, with small talk. But small talk that would be over with in two or three minutes face to face can take several days on line. It’s easy to lose interest and patience with this especially if you’ve had dead end conversations like this in the past. The process is more tedious than anything.

On line dating is particularly tricky for Black women. I have always been open to dating men that are not Black but my preference was to have a Black, Christ focused family. I didn’t realize that I was betting on the long shot.

Before I delve into this topic I want to make it clear that I hold no ill will towards anyone. I’m not jealous or envious of anyone. I don’t think anyone owes me anything and I am not seeking to control anyone’s choices. Black women have to give those disclaimers when they speak their truths. So here I go.

I don’t think that most Black men on dating websites are there to meet Black women. I think their primary interest is meeting women that are not Black and if they date a Black woman they are probably looking for one whose appearance hints at significant European ancestry. I don’t have that to offer a man. There is very little European ancestry to pass along here.

So my advice to Black women that want to date Black men is that you should completely forego dating sites and meet men in mostly Black social spaces such as night clubs, churches, your circle of friends, etc. I know you’ve probably already tried that but I think that on line dating will be a complete waste of your time.

There are many, many Black men on these sites that you will match with but their intentions are questionable. I think they may be OK if you are simply looking for a good time if you know what I mean or even someone to go to a movie with once in a while but if you are thinking long term commitment your pot of gold is going to be hard to find. You’re as well off striking up conversations with men at gas stations.

If Black women are interested in dating outside of the Black community I think that on line dating has more to offer. The problem I had was that I live on the border of two red states and I absolutely hate Republican politics.

I can’t see myself getting involved with a man and marrying into a family that voted to turn America into a White, pseudo Christian, ethno state. Ironically, the men that I found to be the most sincere and that displayed the most genuine interest and excitement about meeting me were MAGA people and Civil War reenactors. I just couldn’t see myself having a future with one of those guys. I may look back and see my choices as a mistake but I don’t think so.

There were White men that took interest in me that you would probably classify as liberal but they were a bit too edgy. They had too many tattoos, too many body piercings, absolutely bizarre backstories, too many kids. Some of them were Atheists and many seemed to have unstable addresses. I don’t think it would work. Perhaps I will regret my life choices one day but at least I’ll be a blessing to some lucky cat.

I don’t think it’s important to have a lot in common with your spouse. I think it’s OK to have different interests and hobbies. But I would like to share faith in Christ with a person that I was going to marry. If a man doesn’t believe in Jesus I don’t think he would ever really understand me as an individual. Let me tell you what. If you are Christian, single and trying to be obedient to Christ you are undateable to 95% of the US population. I’m going to leave that right where it is.

Yes, I tried Christian Mingle but by the time I got around to them I wasn’t willing to pay for a dating site and you have to pay to communicate with people. I browsed the page and didn’t really see much that I wanted to invest in financially. Besides that I saw someone that I knew on there. That’s always awkward.

There are a lot of what I’ll call phantom people on dating websites. They are people that just moved to the area and they didn’t grow up here or have other kind of local connections. They are people that travel for work and come through town often. They are single men in the military. They are men that work from home and keep to themselves.

There are a lot of mysterious people on dating websites that don’t really belong anywhere or to anyone. No one really knows them. A lot of them claim to not like social media but they are on dating sites. The man that inspired my choice to never use a dating website again is someone that I sporadically communicated with for a few months and met for dinner once.

We continued to communicate after our meeting and I asked him his last name. He became agitated and defensive because I asked the question and he asked me why I wanted to know. I honestly just wanted to know because I was interested in getting to know this person but I indeed was going to search his name on the internet. I surely wouldn’t mind if someone did that to me. He refused to give me his last name because he said he didn’t feel comfortable giving it to me after meeting me once.

I asked him why that was a secret and he said that if I knew his last name then I could look him up on the internet and find out his address. I asked him at what point he would feel comfortable letting me know his last name. He said he would feel comfortable giving me that information once he had me over his house for dinner. Do you see how that doesn’t make sense? Anyhow, I blocked his number after that. Anyone that is guarded over his last name is probably too paranoid to date.

I am forty four and I feel like I have aged out of the on line dating system. Your forties is a super awkward age to be never married and without children. Most single people my age are divorced with children or at least with children. I’m a true spinster that hasn’t had that family life experience so I don’t have a bitter divorce and family court drama as common ground with others.

There were men on the internet that reached out to me that were significantly younger than I am. I never pursued any of the opportunities with the really young ones. I’m skeptical about what they really wanted with a woman my age. Their intentions can’t be good. On some level I think it must be a scam or at best he was just looking for an experience with an older woman.

I’m talking, I found you on Facebook and I see that you’ve grown a lot from your prom picture that was taken eighteen months ago young. I ain’t got time for that. Even if his intentions were pure that situation seems like a lot of work. He was cute though. I asked if his dad was single and he said no. They always say no.

I met one young single dad on line that was very, very bitter. I can’t believe how bitter he was at such a young age. I figured it was best I move on from that. I’m not even trying to hear the sob story about him and his baby mama. I don’t need the anger in my life and I’m not helping a man that could damn near be my son pay his child support.

A lot of the men I talked to that are in their forties and fifties which was my target group were shady. Many of them had never been married but most of them had children. I asked a few what they were seeking from a woman at this point in their life. They claimed they were seeking to settle down. Settle down at forty nine? Forty nine. FORTY F@(%ING NINE. I’m sorry but that is just funny to me.

They didn’t quit the game the game quit them. They were pushed into retirement and now they “just want a good woman to enjoy life with”. I’m sure a fifty five year old man has met at least a few good women that he could have enjoyed life with. I’ve asked some of them why they wanted to settle down now. One of them got defensive and said he wasn’t ready before. I see.

Now that he’s older the young ones that he really wants aren’t attracted to him and the older ones that he might have a chance with are probably busy with crafts and browsing at the humane society. Sex isn’t as easy to get, at least not with someone with a youthful aesthetic, so now he claims he wants to commit. These men have avoided marriage throughout their youth and never married the mothers of their children. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

I don’t see anything good coming from getting to know one of these men. It’s obvious that they don’t value marriage or traditional family values. Practically speaking, you’re coming into these men’s lives just as they’re about to start having heart attacks and strokes. You can look at most of them and tell that fitness and nutrition hasn’t been a priority in their lives. So unless you’re going to pull an Anna Nicole why sign up to be a man’s nurse?

It would be different if you had him when he was young and cute. Then it’s like WE had a stroke, WE had a heart attack, WE’RE paralyzed on one side of OUR body. You’ve built a long life together and he’s meant a lot to you for a long time. Your relationship has stood the test of time and he deserves a dutiful wife.

You’ve probably been consuming fried chicken, pizza and French fries together over the last twenty years so when he has a brain aneurysm you will look after him and when you are diagnosed with diabetes he will look after you. That’s the great American love story. Sorry, but if a man has been the good time boy in your town for the last three decades I don’t see that he deserves a loyal woman in his later years. Let his kids and all their mothers care for him.

The other awkward thing about on line dating in your forties is that people lie about their age. Forty is the last decade in your life when you claim youth. I ran into someone I know on an internet dating site and he said he was in his forties. I was shocked because he looked much older. I knew the man because he patronizes the business where I work. I looked him up in our database and saw his drivers license. He was lying by about fifteen years. I suspect this happens often because I’ve seen a lot of profiles with some pretty harsh looking forty somethings.

So anyway, that’s some of my story. I know that on line dating works out great for a lot of people. Congratulations to them. I would encourage anyone to give it a try as long as you are discerning and play it safe. As for me I gave it a try over the years and I’m done. I’ve come to some conclusions in my life and I’m honestly relieved. If nothing else on line dating has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I’ve learned a lot about men, women, sociology and status.

I’m still hopeful that I may find Mr. Right one day but if we find each other it won’t be on a dating app. There are plenty and I mean plenty of men on the internet but I don’t want to make the compromises to make them fit into my life and I don’t want to put the energy into getting to know them and their true intentions. And there are way too many unattached, mysterious phantom daters out there that don’t really seem to belong anywhere. There is a real risk of being killed or hurt when exploring an online connection. I’m not sure that seeking true love and devotion is worth the risk. Spinsterhood is looking like a pretty good option.

MGTOW Encourages Feminism

OK seriously I am getting better. I’m not watching near as many MGTOW videos on YouTube as I was. I’ve been marking videos off as “not interested” when they appear in my recommendations, blocking MGTOW channels and mercifully I think I may have gotten blocked from a few of these channels.

But once in a while a video from the He Man Woman Hater’s Club pops up and I can’t help but indulge. The MGTOW (Men Go Their Own Way) crowd abhor feminism and blame it for a lot of society’s ills. However, they unwittingly encourage it with their attitudes and behavior towards women.

MGTOW gentlemen do not want to commit to women, co-habitate with them or raise traditional families. They do not want to share their resources with women. They are not even nice to women or like them. It sounds to me that if a woman is smart she had better be able to make her own money and not be dependent on anyone for her survival.

MGTOW believes that women should seek out husbands and become mothers after high school. If they had it their way women wouldn’t even finish high school and they would just become wives, or something like that when they are young teenagers. But MGTOW believes that women are over the hill or “hit the wall” meaning they are undesirable and probably unable to have healthy children at thirty years old or not before.

These men do not express any love, affection or loyalty to any women. So once they have used a woman for her youth and child bearing potential I’m not sure if they would honor their commitments as husbands. MGTOW doesn’t speak much about raising families or creating legacies through family. They only talk about women for breeding purposes like they are show dogs.

Most people live far beyond age thirty so women had better be prepared for that part of life because that lasts far longer than the PYT (Pretty Young Thing) part lasts. Just like Judge Judy says, “Beauty fades, dumb is forever”. And men are fickle. If you don’t believe me just search out a MGTOW article on YouTube. If you’re a single woman it will make you more focused and ambitious than ever before.

One of the shortcomings of making marriage your end all be all is that even if you marry a great person and have a wonderful relationship people die. Even if your spouse leaves you comfortable financially which MGTOW has no interest in doing, you will undoubtedly be left lonely and in the same condition as the cat ladies that MGTOW maligns.

It’s interesting to me how people manifest more of what they hate. If MGTOW really wanted to prove to women that they were missing out on something they would choose a woman that they consider virtuous (they have a very thin line for what they consider to be a virtuous woman so good luck finding her) and treat her like a queen. Instead that they speak about women horribly, flaunt their own bad habits and judge women for being human. Who needs that?

Getting to Know You

The quest for true love is not for the faint of heart. It’s tough out there folks and on line dating is a blessing for many but for others it adds to the confusion and frustration. I am a part of the latter group.

Last week I briefly communicated with a man and he suggested that we meet up for coffee. When I say we briefly communicated I mean that we clicked the feature to “like” each other and exchanged about two lines of text. He said that he was looking for a relationship and asked me if I would be open to talking to him about that. I said sure.

Then he suggested that we meet for coffee. I told him that I would not be interested in meeting him right away. I would like to talk to him on the app first and then have a few conversations on the phone. He says to me that he was no longer interested because he is feels like he can’t get to know a person through an app or on the phone. He wants to see a person face to face in order to get to know them.

I agree with him. I want to get to know a person face to face as well and get to know what makes a person unique. But I’m not going to meet up with a complete stranger upon his request. That sounds like a Backpage.com hookup to me.

This gentleman also said that he was concerned about being catfished. That’s a valid concern but I am concerned about being stabbed multiple times and ending up on a missing persons list or being sold into a sex trafficking ring. It’s a tough world out there for women. Men need to understand that women are the vulnerable party in these types of meetings. The least they can do is be understanding of our safety concerns.

This man wanted me to take the time to get dolled up, drive somewhere that I don’t typically go and compromise my safety so he can look me over as if I’m a used car. That’s very degrading without him knowing anything about me as an individual. And what do I stand to win in this beauty pageant. This man isn’t great looking. He isn’t young. I doubt that he’s wealthy. He’s not even nice or much of a gentleman. No thanks.

The funny thing about this brief interaction is that this man said that he was looking for a traditional woman. I like traditional relationships between men and women and I have no problem with old fashioned gender roles. But a man that states that he is looking for a traditional woman is a bit of a red flag for me. That’s all he talked about in his profile other than his aspirations to own an insurance firm.

I don’t know that I am the type of traditional woman he is looking for but I am a lady. I wanted to try and establish that. What lady is going to meet up with a stranger that she knows absolutely nothing about? This is not only a safety concern but I am trying to avoid wasting the time and energy of both parties.

I often wonder how some people end up in relationships with people where they both have completely different visions for their future. A lot of these problems can be avoided with open and honest conversations at the beginning. Actually I do know how people get into these situations. They aren’t open or honest. The beginning of many romantic relationships take place behind a smokescreen.

For me looks are not the most important factor because there are very few men on dating websites that are attractive. Most of them are Kansas City sevens at best. So looks are not my primary focus because it doesn’t seem to be an option that is available to me. I’m interested in character, common goals and values and what we both want for the future.

I think that all of these things are based on the individual and not based on who they meet in life. That’s particularly true for people that are over thirty five or so. It’s all about finding a good match and you can eliminate people that may not be right for you if you give things a bit of time in the beginning and have the right conversations.

I agree that you can’t completely get to know a person on the phone or through messages on a dating app. But there should be a period of time where people get to know each other from a safe distance and without an investment of money, time or make up. Men are worried about being catfished but women are worried about being murdered or raped. A true gentleman will be considerate of those concerns instead of putting his selfish interests first.