Getting to Know You

The quest for true love is not for the faint of heart.  It’s tough out there folks and on line dating is a blessing for many but for others it adds to the confusion and frustration.  I am a part of the latter group.

Last week I briefly communicated with a man and he suggested that we meet up for coffee.  When I say we briefly communicated I mean that we clicked the feature to “like” each other and exchanged about two lines of text.  He said that he was looking for a relationship and asked me if I would be open to talking to him about that.  I said sure.

Then he suggested that we meet for coffee.  I told him that I would not be interested in meeting him right away.  I would like to talk to him on the app first and then have a few conversations on the phone.  He says to me that he was no longer interested because he is feels like he can’t get to know a person through an app or on the phone.  He wants to see a person face to face in order to get to know them.

I agree with him.  I want to get to know a person face to face as well and get to know what makes a person unique.  But I’m not going to meet up with a complete stranger upon his request.  That sounds like a Backpage.com hookup to me.

This gentleman also said that he was concerned about being catfished.  That’s a valid concern but I am concerned about being stabbed multiple times and ending up on a missing persons list or being sold into a sex trafficking ring.  It’s a tough world out there for women.  Men need to understand that women are the vulnerable party in these types of meetings.  The least they can do is be understanding of our safety concerns.

This man wanted me to take the time to get dolled up, drive somewhere that I don’t typically go and compromise my safety so he can look me over as if I’m a used car.  That’s very degrading without him knowing anything about me as an individual.  And what do I stand to win in this beauty pageant.  This man isn’t great looking.  He isn’t young.  I doubt that he’s wealthy.  He’s not even nice or much of a gentleman.  No thanks.

The funny thing about this brief interaction is that this man said that he was looking for a traditional woman.  I like traditional relationships between men and women and I have no problem with old fashioned gender roles.  But a man that states that he is looking for a traditional woman is a bit of a red flag for me.  That’s all he talked about in his profile other than his aspirations to own an insurance firm.

I don’t know that I am the type of traditional woman he is looking for but I am a lady.  I wanted to try and establish that.  What lady is going to meet up with a stranger that she knows absolutely nothing about?  This is not only a safety concern but I am trying to avoid wasting the time and energy of both parties.

I often wonder how some people end up in relationships with people where they both have completely different visions for their future.  A lot of these problems can be avoided with open and honest conversations at the beginning.  Actually I do know how people get into these situations.  They aren’t open or honest.  The beginning of many romantic relationships take place behind a smokescreen.

For me looks are not the most important factor because there are very few men on dating websites that are attractive.  Most of them are Kansas City sevens at best.  So looks are not my primary focus because it doesn’t seem to be an option that is available to me.  I’m interested in character, common goals and values and what we both want for the future.

I think that all of these things are based on the individual and not based on who they meet in life.  That’s particularly true for people that are over thirty five or so.  It’s all about finding a good match and you can eliminate people that may not be right for you if you give things a bit of time in the beginning and have the right conversations.

I agree that you can’t completely get to know a person on the phone or through messages on a dating app.  But there should be a period of time where people get to know each other from a safe distance and without an investment of money, time or make up.  Men are worried about being catfished but women are worried about being murdered or raped.  A true gentleman will be considerate of those concerns instead of putting his selfish interests first.