Horrible relationships have been normalized by the media. Daytime and prime time TV, network and cable programming is filled with stories of betrayal, deceit, abuse and chaos between men and women. The dramatic and negative depiction of romantic and domestic relationships has changed how men and women interact with each other. Expectations have changed due to relationship dynamics on TV. The bar has been lowered.
Relationships are on TV are tense and dramatic in order to entice viewers. There isn’t much of a story if two people are happy, in love and get along well. No one will tune in to watch a couple share a pizza and fall asleep on the couch. As an avid trash TV watcher I know that the intrigue is the drama. So is sitting back and shaking your head at the poor choices being made.
Relationship turmoil on TV has become so normalized that I think some may look at their own relationship and think that it’s not bad because it’s not that bad. I also think many people don’t have real life examples of respectful and productive long term couples to use as role models or council. Unfortunately, the new standard seems to be that if no one has been lied to, beaten or verbally berated it’s a functioning relationship right? Wrong. A relationship can be terrible long, long before it becomes dangerous and tumultuous.
The standard for relationships needs to be high. There needs to be mutual respect, consideration for each other’s feelings, true friendship and affection. It’s also great if you’re attracted to each other. If you merely tolerate your partner or are being tolerated you are better off single. A relationship should enhance your life and bring you comfort, peace, support and joy.
There are lovers’ quarrels but constant friction means you’re not a good match. Differences should be able to be overcome through communication and compromise. If a relationship is like rolling a stone up a hill you’re likely better off and more productive as a single person.
Living in conflict and misery is not normal or healthy. Shoot for the stars instead of accepting the bare minimum. If the best thing you can say about your relationship is that the neighbors have never called the cops on you may be better off without the relationship. The bar needs to be raised across American culture. Even if ratchet TV is your guilty pleasure don’t let it set standards for your life.
On again/off again relationships are a scam. If you date a person for a while you know each other well. They aren’t changing and you aren’t either. It is what it is and it’s OK if you aren’t compatible for a long term relationship. If you’re thinking of breaking a relationship off there is likely a good reason for it. If you’re not getting along in a courtship of a few months to a few years you probably won’t get along in a long term domestic relationship. Make a clean break and move on.
In an on again/off again relationship it’s likely that someone is scamming. The key to a good scam is making it last as long as possible in order for the scammer to extract what they need. A person that you’ve dated a while knows how you respond, knows your weaknesses and knows some of your triggers. It would be easy for them to yo yo you back and forth. A good partner isn’t going to take a relationship to the brink before responding positively to his or her lover’s needs. That is manipulative.
It’s disrespectful for a partner to leave a lover time and time again with the expectation of being taken back. I assume that the partner that leaves and returns is looking for something that their current sweetheart isn’t offering during the off times. The current sweetheart provides them with security, support and possibly. A security blanket won’t likely get their happy ending from a partner that runs hot and cold.
This is Shaun and the mother of his six children who he never married. He is now married to a woman he met on a prison dating website after a brief courtship.
On again/off again relationships are dangerous. I hear the story on again/off again on the news often after a woman is killed by an ex. Once the woman makes a break from the relationship it could be dangerous to return or yo yo back and forth. Once the woman makes it clear that she wants to end the relationship the man may become frustrated that he lost his influence and the woman might die due to domestic violence. Playing games with relationships could get a woman killed. This is particularly true for Black women.
It’s understandable that a dating couple has a lovers quarrel. That’s different than going through a cycle of breaking up and reconciling for years. Be intentional and deliberate. On again/off again relationships can be dangerous and are a waste of time and energy. Adults should be able to make definitive decisions about their lives without a lot of drama.
Cam Newton made public statements recently that have been heavily criticized. Cam said that a woman’s purpose is to cater to her man. Fine. That’s great, especially if a woman can land a man with Cam Newton’s kind of money.
But there were some things missing from his statement. What’s missing is the man’s role. What did the man do to deserve having a woman cater to him. In the case of Cam Newton and his public relationships he didn’t seem to offer love, loyalty, devotion, respect or honor.
Cam Newton didn’t marry Kia Proctor, the mother of his first four children. They had a relationship for around five years. He didn’t marry IG model La Reina Shaw, the mother of his youngest child either. I’m unsure of the state of the relationship between La Reina and Cameron but they don’t seem to be a couple.
Kia is thirty three and an unmarried mom of five. She has a daughter from a relationship before she met Cam Newton and she has four with Cam. What did she really get from that relationship? She spent the prime years of her youth catering to Cameron and having his children.
If Cam was devoted to Kia and their family unit he would be worth catering to particularly since he’s wealthy. But that was not the case. Cam said the relationship changed over time and he became a different person over the years. It’s clear that maintaining their family unit and raising the children in a traditional home was not a priority for Cameron. I’m sure Kia catered to Cam. What did that get her?
Kia got older and preoccupied with motherhood. She was no longer the DC stripper that charmed her way into the NFL quarterback’s heart. I certainly hope she got a nice piece of property or a lump sum of money for her efforts. But she may have been able to get that without tying herself to Cameron. I’m sure Cam would be a great sugar daddy. But he doesn’t seem to be very good husband material.
La Reina seems to be a fling that resulted in a child. It’s hard to say but Cam isn’t showing any devotion and love to her either. I don’t think a man is worth catering to for an extended amount of time if he doesn’t honor and respect you. In Cam’s defense that’s probably not even what La Reina was seeking.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman catering to a man but choose one with long term potential. Otherwise you’re wasting time and energy and you’re limiting future opportunities. Kia and La Reina will have complicated families if they get married to new partners while their children are still minors. The greatest baggage of all is Cam Newton. It all sounds like a big headache to me.
Women should cater to their husbands. In order to become a husband a man needs to prove himself honorable. Women should cater to men that are loyal, loving and devoted to them and their children.
There is no reason to waste energy and time on fly by night relationships. Obviously, that’s the case even if he’s rich like Cam. Kia should have gotten some nice jewelry and and kept on stripping. La Reina should have gotten a few nice vacations and kept on IG modeling. They both would have been better off keeping Cam at a distance. If they met that rich guy they could have met a different one; one with long term potential. Women need to invest wisely.
If you’ve ever wondered what went wrong with Generation X study the lyrics to some of the pop songs from back when our parents were still together. This music is toxic. Baby Boomers were psycho in their prime years. It may be a good thing that they got divorced and left their children alone. Take a look at some of these lyrics about love gone wrong, a lack of boundaries, infidelity, low self worth and financial abuse. (Take this is jest.)
Women put their desperation on full display in the 80s. I listened to these lyrics for the first time in the last year. I was shocked to hear this from Diana Ross of all people.
Diana Ross Upside Down
I said upside down You’re turning me You’re giving love instinctively Around and round you’re turning me
Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round
Instinctively you give to me The love that I need I cherish the moments with you Respectfully I say to thee I’m aware that you’re cheating When no one makes me feel like you do
Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round
I know you got charm and appeal You always play the field I’m crazy to think you are mine As long as the sun continues to shine There’s a place in my heart for you That’s the bottomline
Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round
Instinctively you give to me The love that I need I cherish the moments with you Respectfully I say to thee I’m aware that you’re cheating But no one makes me feel like you do
Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round
Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round Upside down Boy, you turn me Inside out And round and round
Upside down you’re turning me You’re giving love instinctively Around and round you’re turning me I say to thee respectfully
Upside down you’re turning me You’re giving love instinctively Around and round you’re turning me I say to thee respectfully
I said a upside down you’re turning me You’re giving love instinctively Around and round you’re turning me
I say to thee respectfully Upside down you’re turning me You’re giving love instinctively Around and round you’re turning me I say to thee respectfully
Upside down you’re turning me
The SOS Band took feminine longing, anguish and delusion to another level.
SOS Band Just be Good to Me
Friends tell me I am crazy And I’m wasting time with you You’ll never be mine It’s not the way I see it ‘Cause I feel you’re already mine Whenever you’re with me (oh, oh, oh)
People always talkin’ about Your reputation I don’t care about your other girls Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
Friends are always tellin’ me You’re a user I don’t care what you do to them Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
You may have many others But I know when you’re with me You are all mine Friends always seem to listen To the bad things that you do You never do them to me (oh, oh, oh)
People always talkin’ about Your reputation I don’t care about your other girls Just be good to me (Oh, oh, oh)
Friends are always tellin’ me You’re a user I don’t care what you do to them Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Just be good to me
Life is a game of chances So I’ll take my chance with you And you, I won’t try to change We talk about it and I Never had a piece of you And to have all of nothing (oh, oh, oh)
But just be good to me In the mornin’ Just be good to me In the afternoon or evenin’, oh, yeah Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
I’ll give you love, I will smother you I’ll give affection, I won’t bother you I’ll be good to you, you’ll be good to me, yeah, yeah Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
I’m not the jealous type, I won’t tie you down When you need me, I’ll be around I’ll be good to you, you’ll be good to me And we’ll be together, be together
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (oh) Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (be nice to me, be sweet to me) Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (we’ll be good to each other) (Oh, each and every day) just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la (we will love each other, ooh, yes, we will) Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Just be good to me (oh, oh, oh)
In 1983 The Police gave us the stalkers anthem.
The Police Every Breath You Take
Every breath you take And every move you make Every bond you break Every step you take I’ll be watching you
Every single day And every word you say Every game you play Every night you stay I’ll be watching you
Oh, can’t you see You belong to me? How my poor heart aches With every step you take?
Every move you make And every vow you break Every smile you fake Every claim you stake I’ll be watching you
Since you’ve gone, I’ve been lost without a trace I dream at night, I can only see your face I look around, but it’s you I can’t replace I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace I keep crying baby, baby please
Oh, can’t you see You belong to me? How my poor heart aches With every step you take?
Every move you make And every vow you break Every smile you fake Every claim you stake I’ll be watching you Every move you make Every step you take I’ll be watching you
I’ll be watching you (Every breath you take) (Every move you make) (Every bond you break) (Every step you take) I’ll be watching you (Every single day) (Every word you say) (Every game you play) (Every night you stay) I’ll be watching you
I’ll be watching you (Every single day) (Every word you say) Whoo, hoo (Every game you play) (Every night you stay) I’ll be watching you
I’ll be watching you (Every single day) (Every word you say) (Every game you play) (Every night you stay) I’ll be watching you
I’ll be watching you (Every single day) (Every word you say) (Every game you play) (Every night you stay) I’ll be watching you…
The Human League wrote a song about being jealous of a woman’s coming of age and success.
The Human League Don’t You Want Me
You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar When I met you I picked you out, I shook you up And turned you around Turned you into someone new Now five years later on you’ve got the world at your feet Success has been so easy for you But don’t forget it’s me who put you where you are now And I can put you back down too.
Don’t. Don’t you want me? You know I can’t believe it when I hear that you won’t see me Don’t. Don’t you want me? You know I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t need me
It’s much too late to find When you think you’ve changed your mind You’d better change it back or we will both be sorry
Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh! Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh!
I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar That much is true But even then I knew I’d find a much better place Either with or without you The five years we have had have been such good at times I still love you But now I think it’s time I lived my life on my own I guess it’s just what I must do
Don’t. Don’t you want me? You know I can’t believe it when I hear that you won’t see me Don’t. Don’t you want me? You know I don’t believe you when you say that you don’t need me
It’s much too late find When you think you’ve changed your mind You’d better change it back or we will both be sorry
Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh! Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh!
Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh! Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh!
Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh! Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh
Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh! Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me? Oh!
Here’s another song about a man using money as leverage in a relationship.
Oran Juice Jones The Rain
I saw you (and him, and him) walking in the rain You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same
Tossing and turning another sleepless night The rain crashes against my window pane Jumped into my car–didn’t drive too far That moment I knew I would never be the same
Cause I saw you (and him, and him) walking in the rain You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same
Now here you are begging to me To give our love another try Girl I love you and I always will But darling right now I’ve got to say goodbye
Cause I saw you (and him, and him) walking in the rain You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same
I saw you (and him) walking in the rain You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same
Hey, hey, baby, how you doin’, come on in here Got some hot chocolate on the stove waitin’ for ya Listen, first things first, let me hang up that coat Yeah, ‘n’ how’s your day today, did ya miss me? Oh, you did, yeah, I missed you, too I missed you so much I followed you today That’s right Now close your mouth Cause you cold busted That’s right, now sit down here Sit down here So upset with you I don’t know what to do ‘n’ my first impulse was to run up on you And do a Rambo Whip out the jammy and flat-blast both of you But I ain’t wanna mess up this thirty-seve hundred dollar lynx coat So instead, I chilled That’s right, chilled, then I went to the bank Took out every dime And then I went and canceled all those credit cards Yeah All your charge accounts Yeah I stuck you up for every piece of jewelry I ever bought you Yeah That’s right, everything Everything Did fool out with me Naw, don’t go, you ever go, don’t go looking in that closet Cause you ain’t got nothing in there Everything you came here with–
Is packe dup and waiting for you in the guest room That’s right, what was you thinking about, huh? What were you tryin’ to prove, huh? You’s with the Juice ‘n’ I gave you silk suits, Gucci handbags, blue diamonds I gave you things you couldn’t even pronounce Now I can’t give you nothin’ but advice Cause you’re still young That’s right, you’re still young I hope you learn a valuable lesson from all this You know? Gonna find someone like me one of these days Until then, know what you gotta do? You gotta get on outta here with that Alley-cat-coat wearin’ Hush-puppy-shoe-wearing’ Crumb cake I saw you with Cause you dismissed That’s right, silly rabbit Tricks are made for kids, don’t you know that? You without me: like cornflake without the milk It’s my world–you just a squirrel, tryin’ to get a nut Now get on outta here Ah! Don’t touch that coat!
Adultery carrols.
Atlantic Starr Secret Lovers
Here we are the two of us together Taking this crazy chance to be all alone We both know that we should not be together ‘Cause if they found out It could mess up, both our happy homes
I hate to think about us all meeting up together As soon as I looked at you it would show on my face Then they’ll know that we’ve been loving each other They can never no, oh no, we can’t leave a trace
Secret Lovers that’s what we are, we shouldn’t be together But we can’t let it go, oh no, cause we love each other so
Sittin at home I do nothing all day But think about you and hope that your ok Hoping you’ll call before anyone gets home I’ll wait anxiously, alone by the phone
How could something so wrong be so right I wish we didn’t have to keep our love out of sight Living two lives just ain’t easy at all But we gotta hang on and after fall
Secret lovers that’s what we are Trying so hard to hide the way we feel Cause we both belong to someone else But we can’t let it go, cause what we feel is oh so real So real
You and me, are we fair Is this cruel, or do we care Can they tell what’s in our minds Maybe they’ve had secret love all of the time
In the middle of makin love we notice the time We both get nervous cause it’s way after nine Even though we hate it, we know it’s time that we go We gotta be careful, so that no one will know
Secret lovers, that’s what we are Trying so hard to hide the way we feel ‘Cause we both belong to someone else But we can’t let it go ‘Cause what we feel is oh so real So real
You can tell a lot about a culture from it’s art. This is art from the 80s and it says a lot about relationships between men and women just as pop music tells us a lot about relationships now. I’m kidding around in this post. I’m not trying to be super sensitive, politically correct or cancel anyone (not that I could). These are historical observations that I find interesting and kind of humorous. I love the 80s!
BONUS TRACKS
Only in the 80s could a song about child abuse become a pop hit. What were we thinking? Suzanne Vega dropped this gem in 1987. It’s about a boy getting his ass beat and the neighbors heard it through the walls. This seems to have been a regular occurrence yet no one saw fit to call the cops. Oh well, it was catchy. The 80s were madness I tell ya!
Suzanne Vega Luka
My name is Luka I live on the second floor I live upstairs from you Yes I think you’ve seen me before
If you hear something late at night Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight Just don’t ask me what it was Just don’t ask me what it was Just don’t ask me what it was
I think it’s because I’m clumsy I try not to talk too loud Maybe it’s because I’m crazy I try not to act too proud
They only hit until you cry And after that you don’t ask why You just don’t argue anymore You just don’t argue anymore You just don’t argue anymore
Yes I think I’m okay I walked into the door again If you ask that’s what I’ll say And it’s not your business anyway
I guess I’d like to be alone With nothing broken, nothing thrown Just don’t ask me how I am Just don’t ask me how I am Just don’t ask me how I am
My name is Luka I live on the second floor I live upstairs from you Yes I think you’ve seen me before
If you hear something late at night Some kind of trouble, some kind of fight Just don’t ask me what it was Just don’t ask me what it was Just don’t ask me what it was
They only hit until you cry And after that you don’t ask why You just don’t argue anymore You just don’t argue anymore You just don’t argue anymore
This song actually made it to number eight in 1991 on the Billboard 100 chart. It was the early 90s so I’ll throw it in. Crystal Waters made a song about homelessness into a dance hit. That’s right, a song about homelessness and probably mental illness sent party goers to the dance floor during this era. It’s kind of morbid when you think about it.
The winds are blowing every morning Just to do her hair now Because she cares you all
Her day oh wouldn’t be right Without her make up She’s never had a make up
La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da
She’s just like you and me But she’s homeless, she’s homeless As she stands there singing for money
La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da
In my sleep I see her begging Reaching police Although her body’s not mine I ask now I do, now I do
She’s just like you and me But she’s homeless, she’s homeless As she stands there singing for money
La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da
She’s just like you and me As she stands there singing for money
La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da La da dee la dee da
I have experience with on line dating sites. I’ve used different dating sites over the years. I’ve written about my experiences on this blog. This post isn’t about dating and relationships. It’s about staying safe. Staying safe is your number one priority.
I enjoy observing modern American culture. Anyone that is objectively observing American culture in 2022 should come to the conclusion that America is hostile towards girls and women. The hostility manifests itself in many different ways. One of the ways animosity towards women is being expressed is through deception, manipulation, violence and homicide.
Anyone can be taken advantage of by someone using a dating app to take advantage of others. It can happen to men or women of any sexual orientation. I am writing this is written from the point of view of a heterosexual woman. I believe we are the most vulnerable.
Men who seek to hurt women are using dating websites to lure women in order to abuse and kill them. I’m not going to quote statistics. Go on You Tube and look at local news stories from across the US. Men killing women is very common. Often women are killed by men they met on a dating website.
These are strategies I used while I was using internet dating websites. This is not about victim blaming. This is about protecting yourself and avoiding people and situations that can be harmful. That is the first line of defense. There is risk that goes along with giving men access to yourself. That means there is risk involved with being alone with men.
The odds are in your favor. Most men are not murderers or rapists. But enough of them are violent sociopaths for a single woman to be concerned about her personal safety while dating. The local news across the US is filled with stories of women going on dates and being robbed, raped or murdered. You have one life and if someone hurts or kills you there is no second chance. Avoid gambling with your property, body or life. A date and chance at romance is not worth the risk.
Take Your Time
When you meet people on line take your time during the conversation stage. Be judgemental and critical. Look for signs of anger, rudeness or that he is taking direction from so called dating gurus on social media. Those people are almost always toxic.
Don’t trust men that are in a rush. Con artists want to move quickly. They want to find a victim, exploit her and drain her with speed and stealth. Time is on women’s side. Any time you think you’re ready to meet a man in person. Wait a week. Don’t be anxious. If he has genuine interest and respects women he will wait until you are comfortable.
He’s a Stranger
Even if you’ve been talking to a man for a while he is still a stranger. You don’t know him. He is not your friend. Your date is a stranger and should be treated as such. Keep him at arm’s length and don’t make yourself vulnerable right away.
Have Strict Rules for MeetingPlaces
When I was meeting online dates I chose chain restaurants. Most American chain restaurants have a similar layout. They have windows wrapped around and they are surrounded by a parking lot. The windows create potential witnesses. Park as close to the door as possible. When you pull up to the restaurant try and find a parking spot in front of a window where customers are already seated.
A first meeting with a man you met on the internet is not about being wined and dined. It’s not a matter of being impressed. It’s simply a meeting just like a job interview where both sides put in face time to see if there is further interest on both sides.
Meet During Daylight
Meet during daylight. Make sure you have enough time so that you can leave and it’s still light outside. This gives you a better chance at having a witness if a man does something psycho. It also makes the date more respectable if you can leave before the sunsets. Part company after the meal. Staying out too late makes you vulnerable. You may get more relaxed. There are more opportunities for you to be hurt. A table in a restaurant is a fairly safe space.
Don’t Drink
Don’t drink on a first on line date. I don’t care if you like to drink. You’re better off going out alone after the date and having a cocktail. Drinking will make you less inhibited and vulnerable.
Don’t Share a Car
You’ve gone out with the guy and he seems nice. Great. He’s still a stranger. He’s not your friend. He’s not your boyfriend. Wait a long time before you get in his car or let him get in yours. Use your own transportation. If you usually get around town on the bus. Stay on the bus or call a cab. Don’t make yourself vulnerable and put yourself in the semi private environment of a car.
Let Someone Know Where You Are
I understand wanting to keep your dating life private from family and friends. But let someone know who you are spending time with and where you are going. Let a co worker, out of state relative, neighbor or someone know what’s going on. Let them know why you are telling them this. It’s good to have a person that will check back with you and make sure you made it back home. If something goes wrong at least there is a liaison to communicate with the police.
Don’t Let Yourself Be Bullied
Anyone that can’t understand a woman being cautious about meeting men on line does not care about women. They are not your friend and they are either foolish or seeking to exploit you. You as a woman are the vulnerable party. Stand your ground and maintain proper boundaries. If you’re not ready to go out don’t. If something seems off block.
Don’t Go Home With Him
I don’t mean to be a prude or the fun police but take a long time before going to his house. Sex with a stranger isn’t worth the risk. There are many risks but I’m talking about the immediate risk of being robbed and or killed. You’re the vulnerable party and you are leaving a lot up to chance by putting yourself in an intimate situation with a stranger.
Have Your Own Money
I don’t believe in going Dutch but be prepared to pay your own way. Be able to pay for your own meal if things go awry. Be able to get yourself home.
Men are victimized by people they meet on dating apps too. I write from my point of view as a heterosexual woman. We are the vulnerable party and that should not be forgotten. Be smart, strategic and not too anxious. Take your time and listen to your instincts. I want to emphasize take your time. Time is on the woman’s side at this stage of the relationship.
Science is not my strong suit. But I do remember a few things from high school chemistry class. I remember doing experiments and if a chemical got contaminated the experiment was ruined and we had to start over or not get credit for the assignment. We were instructed on how not to contaminate the chemical in order to not waste time and risk failure. There were meticulous details on how to handle containers with the chemicals. Handling the chemicals and their containers was a lesson within itself.
Relationships fail because they become contaminated and later turn toxic. The contaminants are things like dishonesty, anger, mean words, disrespect and insincerity. Once a relationship is contaminated you may need to start over because it’s ruined. By starting over I mean find a new partner or be happily single. Starting over is disappointing but it’s better than trying to maintain a tainted relationship.
The best thing a new couple can do is try to keep the relationship pure by being nice, understanding, honest and having good communication. You have to handle each other with care. The extra effort is worthwhile unless you see the relationship as disposable from the start.
I remember that some experiments could be saved with another chemical that can clean contaminants. Patience, understanding and forgiveness can clean up toxins along with changed behavior. Sometimes the experiment is too far gone to be restored.
My conclusion is to keep a new relationship pure with honesty, good communication, and nice behavior. Don’t see relationships as disposable. Even if you don’t care about a relationship turning toxic because you see it as disposable you will contaminate yourself. Relationships can be detoxed with understanding and forgiveness but it’s never quite the same as it was before the toxins being introduced. Move forward with new relationships with caution. You don’t want irreparable contaminate your new pairing so you don’t have to start over with a new one or choose singleness.
There is one reason relationships fail: unmet expectations. That fact is true regardless of the type of relationship. Whether it be romantic, professional, friendship or family relationships they all end because expectations were not met . This essay is about romantic relationships. For context, this is from a heterosexual perspective. I believe that men should pursue and initiate and women set the parameters and standards for a relationship.
If the proper respect and communication is in place a relationship it can be salvaged through honest conversations and adjustments when expectations are not being met. Without the proper respect and communication the relationship will crumble due to the disappointment and hard feelings.
The beginning of dating relationships is great because you don’t expect a lot from people you haven’t known long. At the beginning of a dating relationship your suitor is a mere cute and charming stranger or casual acquaintance. It’s best to make your intentions and expectations know while the relationship is still new.
Unfortunately, people aren’t always honest about their intentions and they take advantage of the gray area that exists in a new relationship. Sometimes people have no idea what they really want so they go along to get along. The woman usually decides when the gray area should become more defined. The definition is on a graduated scale. The woman is usually the one conscious of the graduated scale.
People have define commitment in various ways 2021. It comes in the form of traditional marriage, co habitation or perhaps just a steady date and companion. Feelings and expectations change over time as a relationship goes on. Regardless of what commitment looks like a woman may feel that she is entitled to a certain level of respect and consideration in a longer relationship. If the man does not satisfy the woman’s expectations the relationship will begin to unravel.
The relationship can be saved through communication and coming to an agreement. If both parties value the relationship enough to save it an understanding needs to be reached in order to stay together in a harmony. Or they can agree to disagree and split up which is also a valid choice.
What often happens after a couple has been together for a while is that the woman is interested in a commitment or at least for the relationship to be clearly defined. She wants to know exactly how the man feels about her. She wants to know if there is a future with the man. Men often want to stay in the undefined, gray area as long possible. But the woman’s feelings are always going to change and grow with time if she has any genuine feelings for the man. With that comes greater expectations.
She will probably expect more from him as far as time, respect, affection commitment, etc. If he isn’t prepared to honor her expectations that the relationship will either end, they won’t get along or she will stay and be unhappy. It comes down to figuring out if you have the same goals in mind from the start, respect and communication. This is a make or break time for couples. It’s time to decide to break up or commit.
It’s all pretty simple but people are often dishonest from the outset and don’t communicate in riddles. A relationship like this is doomed to fail. I don’t think anyone should date before eighteen. Therefore, dating is for adults. Adults are responsible for communicating what they want. If an intelligent adult is acting like they can’t communicate and verbalize feelings after an adequate amount of getting to know the person I think they are being manipulative. Do with it as you will.
Love is a gamble but know when to give up. Some relationships can be like throwing your money into a lousy slot machine. In dating relationships it’s not hard to express how you feel about someone. If feelings are genuine you should be eager to let your partner know how you feel. You should want to assure your partner. In a cold world your relationship should be a warm, fuzzy safe place. Not a source of confusion, frustration, misunderstanding and stress. There’s nothing wrong with being a quitter.
Marry Smart is a relationship advice book for young, career oriented women by Susan Patton. I think it’s worth the read. It’s quick and Ms. Patton gives sound, practical and realistic advice to young women who aspire to marriage and motherhood.
Susan Patton is an HR professional and Princeton graduate who wrote a controversial letter to the editor of the campus newspaper of her alma mater. The letter advised young women to focus on finding a husband with as much or more energy as they do in starting a career. The letter garnered a lot of attention. Enough conversation was aroused by the letter that Susan wrote a book explaining her opinions on young women, careers, marriage and motherhood. I remember seeing Susan on morning TV programs like Today and The View when the book was released in 2014.
Susan was criticized in the mainstream and by feminists but what she was saying on the talk show circuit made sense to me. The author urges young women to be honest with themselves. If they want to marry and have children pursue that goal as they would any other. Be strategic. That’s the bottom line.
Susan states that the best time in a woman’s life to find a husband is while in college. She advises young women to make finding a spouse a priority while they are young and in school because that’s when youth, social surroundings and fertility are in a woman’s favor.
The odds of finding a desirable and compatible husband are in a young woman’s favor while she is on campus. She’s around men that are educated, career oriented, young, most likely single and childless. After graduation it’s nearly impossible to simulate that kind of social setting. The author advised women to remain active in alumni activities if they don’t find a husband while a student. It’s pretty simple and common sense.
Ms. Patton says that if you know you want to marry pursue it as a goal and be mindful of your time. Pop culture leads women to believe that they will meet the perfect mate by chance. Mainstream American Christianity preaches that The Lord will bring you the perfect spouse. I don’t think these romantic notions are fruitful.
I would encourage young women to be deliberate in their dating choices, have goals and be mindful of time . I think that Marry Smart offers great advice to women regardless of their educational and career goals. Any young woman can read this book and apply it to their own life and circumstances.
My criticism of this book is that it lasts a little longer than is necessary. Susan’s advice delves into some other areas that can help a lady be a success in life but it does get to be a bit superfluous near the end. It feels like Susan’s editor had a word requirement and she needed to stretch.
Generally speaking I think relationship advice is terrible. But Ms. Patton’s advice is based on simple biology. Women have been set up to fail by ignoring biology. The author is a bit harsh but I think it comes from a good, loving, maternal place. It’s worth a read. I listened to an audio book version which lasted about seven hours.
Anna Duggar and Yandy Smith don’t have a lot in common other than being cable reality TV personalities. Anna Duggar married into the fundamentalist Christian Duggar family of TLC reality TV show fame. Yandy is known from the VH1 program “Love and Hip Hop New York” . Both were married on TV to men that would end up incarcerated. Other than reality TV Anna and Yandy share the dubious distinction of being ride or die chicks and having it all blow up in their faces the same week.
Anna’s husband Josh was arrested for possession of child pornography two weeks ago. Josh is currently out on bail. Those kind of allegations are always shocking but Josh has been accused of sexual misconduct in the past. When Josh was young he sexually assaulted his younger sisters while they were asleep. Josh did not serve any time for what he did to his sisters. Instead he went through therapy at his church. Josh who grew up in a strict Christian household and he has also been caught on websites for married people seeking to cheat on their spouse.
All of the revelations came out in 2015. At the time Anna and Josh had four children. Anna made the decision to stay in her marriage and remain loyal to her husband. One would think that Josh would change his ways after being exposed in the media and publicly humiliating his wife. Instead he got worse and the allegations became even more dubious. Anna’s forgiveness, loyalty, patience and love didn’t amount to anything.
Yandy and her husband Mendeecees have been featured on “Love and Hip Hope New York” and “Couples Retreat”. Mendeecees was convicted on drug related charges and served four years in prison. His wife Yandy waited for him and supported him faithfully during his incarceration. She also became a prison reform activist.
An episode of “Couples Retreat” recently aired and Mendeecees was asked if he would support Yandy the way she supported him if she was incarcerated. He said he doesn’t know how he would react if the roles were reversed. The man that promised to be by her side through good times and bad admitted on a reality TV show that his vows were not sincere. Again, Yandy’s love and devotion amounted to a hill of beans. Her love is unrequited and unmatched. Yandy wasted her time and energy. She gained absolutely nothing.
I too have been a ride or die chick. About fifteen years ago I dated a man who was in the Army. The relationship happened while American troops were being deployed to Iraq. I thought I was in love with this man and I threw myself into supporting my soldier. I called him sometimes, wrote him and sent him things that he asked for. I watched the news every night and cried in front of the TV when the loss of troops was reported.
One day with tears in my eyes I tried to visualize my suitor sitting in front of the TV crying for me. I couldn’t see it. It didn’t seem feasible. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I began to question his feelings and intentions for me. He became dramatic and argumentative. I began to distance myself from him after that and the relationship fizzled out and ended. I wasted my energy, time, emotions and money. My love, care, loyalty, patriotism and devotion to this man amounted to nothing.
I took a long break from dating after that relationship. I remained completely single for about eight years before I took an interest in dating again. In those eight years I learned to make sure that any many I dated proved genuine interest and good intentions to me. I learned to take my time to ensure that a man invested in me. I am not interested in reciprocity. I’m interested in leadership. I don’t want tit for tat. I want a man that chooses me and proves to me that he is worthy to be a loyal husband.
Once I started dating again my circumstances improved. I have a boyfriend now who is clutch and very cute. But aside from that I learned how to get rid of men that weren’t showing me that they were sincere early on. Women need to understand that it doesn’t matter how much she loves a man. It doesn’t amount to anything. It matters how much he loves you.
Don’t be a ride or die chick. No sincere man wants a woman to be a ride or die chick. Only selfish men want that. A man with good intentions wants to be ride or die for her. A man that loves a woman wants her to be as stress and burden free as possible. He wants her to know that she can rely on him is she has struggles. It’s never the other way around.
I’ve discussed a few modern dating scams on this blog. Low bidding is a tactic utilized by users, leeches and people with low self esteem. (The leech can be male or female and any sexual orientation. But I write from a heterosexual female point of view.) They want a person (usually a woman) that is out of their reach. Instead of using their energy and time trying to become a person (usually a man) that can get their dream date they settle.
Settling is not a bad thing if you have some appreciation for what you are settling for. You may have wanted a juicy steak for dinner but you will settle for a can of ravioli. Ravioli is delicious, inexpensive easy to make and convenient. Sometimes it’s appropriate for the situation. We’ve all settled at some point. But if you’re going to be resentful and bitter instead of appreciative and grateful about the opportunity that presented itself to you please don’t settle. Hold out for what you really want and leave the can of ravioli on the shelf for someone that would request canned ravioli for their last meal. It’s all relative.
And settling is not a bad thing. In this case I will call it redirection. We all have a wish list and sometimes we find out the things on our list are not what they are cracked up to be, in short supply or the admiration is not returned. At that point of getting checked by reality you need to recalculate your course and plan a new strategy. We’ve all done it. It’s called growing up.
Let’s say that a gentleman meets you and you hit some of his metrics. You’re good enough for somethings but not others. You may be good enough for the night time but not the day time. You might be good enough for friends with benefits but not good enough to meet his friends. He might put in a low bid. Examples of low bidding are:
going dutch on dates
being vague about intentions
sexual innuendo/lack of respect
poor treatment
He’s letting you know from the start what he thinks you’re worth. Only a desperate woman would accept any of the bids in the bullet points. It’s up to you to set a high value for yourself. You can’t wait for men to value you because many of them don’t value themselves, women in general or long term relationships. The term “pump and dump” comes to mind.
This photo came from an about bidding on materials in the construction business. It illustrates why low bids can be a waste of time. Here is the article if you are interested.
These men don’t value themselves as human beings if they are willing to share their body with any woman that will allow it. That’s particularly true if they are having unprotected sex. They don’t even care about potential offspring or their health. And no, this isn’t a man being a man. It’s a jerk being a jerk. Jerk can be applied to either gender or the ones in between that I don’t quite understand.
If low bidders thought they could get a woman that met their standards to love and respect them they would pursue that. They don’t think they can because they lack confidence. Male language on social media reflects this. Men that say they need to “get themselves together” or “get their money up” before pursuing a long term relationship are pretty much stating that they don’t have what it takes at the moment to attract a woman that they find worthy. They don’t think of themselves as worthy.
I’m not saying that finances are not an issue. But so is personality and couples can grow together. And poverty is not an excuse to use another person. If you want to wait until you’ve made your first million to pursue a relationship that is a respectable plan. But don’t bother other people while you’re trying to achieve that goal. You’ll probably get there faster without the distractions anyway.
Low bidding is a sign of a potential abusive partner. He (or she) may do or say mean and inconsiderate things to see what their new potential partner is willing to tolerate. They may like to control and exploit their partner. Domination and intimidation is validating for bullies.
During the early stages of a relationship you should jump ship at the first sign of disrespect. It’s easier to leave in the beginning because a big investment hasn’t been made. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and bad situations usually don’t get better. You just need to remove yourself from harmful relationships and the sooner you can do it the better.
The beginning stages of dating are an observation period. If you observe troublesome behavior block the number and go on with your life. Don’t allow low bidders to insult you and don’t entertain them if they decide to come back around. If you allow them back into your life after kicking them out then you are behaving more desperate than you would have if you accepting them in the first place. A leopard doesn’t change its spots and bad situations usually don’t get better.
He’s about to eat you up!
Imagine if you had a car for sale and you were aware of the Blue Book value. You realistically assessed your car so you have a good idea of what you can get for it. If you’re a smart business person you’re not going to accept a ridiculously low bid. You’re going to disregard the low bidder as not serious and not allow them to waste anymore of your time. Just block the number.
I made the comparisons to a single person on the dating market to meals and cars. I’m just trying to make a point about a bidding process. There are some things like real estate and cars that aren’t good values so they won’t warrant a high price. However, human being are not property and inanimate objects. No one is called to be used in a demolition derby, stripped for parts or torn down for what’s underneath them. An Omaha 7 may never date an LA 9 but everyone that is nice deserves a suitable and loving partner.
Shannon in Kansas City YT: KC Bible Study IG: @showmeshannon Twitter: kcshannonlee1 