I enjoy social media because you learn the truth about people. Often times the truth is not pretty but it is the truth and there is always value in that. I’ve run across social media outlets that are geared towards men. The most common topic in these male spaces is women. They talk about their desires, complaints and preferences when it comes to the opposite sex. I will refer to them as The Complainers.
After eavesdropping on The Complainers and sometimes participating in some of these conversations I’ve found it very hard to follow the thought pattern of these men. I can’t figure out the end game. I feel like there is no real desire to come to an understanding with women and have respectful relationships. The on line commentary mostly expresses frustration and disdain for women. Love and partnership is rarely if ever mentioned.
These on line chats are under the guise of them being for men but I really think they exist to send messages to women while excluding them from the conversation. I think the goal is to manipulate women and to control them through criticism because it seems that women can’t do anything to satisfy these men. It’s rare that one of the complainers mentions a wife or girlfriend.
These are just a few of the contradictions that I’ve seen on The Complainers’ social media chats.
Women should stop wearing weave. -> Your hair is nappy and too short.
Women need to get off of welfare -> A college degree doesn’t make you more valuable to men.
Single mothers are undateable. -> Men shouldn’t get married.
All women are promiscuous. -> I would use her for a pump and dump but that’s it.
Women without fathers are damaged goods. -> Women are responsible for raising children.
Women are choosing careers over families. -> Women should be willing to split finances 50/50.
Women always pick the wrong guys. -> Women have unrealistic standards.
It’s OK for men to have preferences. -> Women that date outside of their race are bedwenches.
Women should commit young. -> Men should marry no sooner that their late thirties.
Women shouldn’t pressure men to commit. -> Women hit “The Wall” at thirty five.
Women seek out attention too much -> Women should welcome male attention in public.
Women focus on their looks too much -> Everyone wants to date someone attractive.
What conclusion can women come to after taking in this information? The only conclusion that I can reach is that there is some serious confusion out there along with disdain for women. Women’s humanity and intellect is completely overlooked and women are talked about as if they are inanimate objects.
I’ve never seen anyone go into detail about what perfection looks like and how to achieve it. The standards that The Complainers have is not sustainable or realistic because they want old fashioned, traditional womanhood without offering old fashioned traditional manhood. They complain about feminism but they fail to see how feminism benefits men. I think that men are the real benefactors of feminism because they don’t bear the same amount of responsibility as they once did. There aren’t very many expectations for men anymore.
If any man wanted an old fashioned relationship he just needs to decide that he wants to be an old fashioned man and then he needs to find a woman to go along with those ideals. I can see how that would be a challenge but I don’t think it’s impossible if a man is taking the lead, is realistic about his end of the bargain and expresses his intentions. Simply don’t date feminists if they bother you so much.
I think The Complainers know that they are not being completely honest in what they say but they aren’t willing to speak their truth. The truth is that they want to the best of both worlds. They like the lack of responsibility and easy sex that feminism provides but when they are ready to settle down in their later years they want a submissive housewife.
Actually The Complainer just a submissive woman because they don’t believe in legal marriage because if the relationship doesn’t work out he doesn’t want to give her any of the household finances. But he doesn’t want her to be educated and career oriented. And he wants her to be focused on the household and family.
It’s a never ending circle of contradictions that only completely benefits men. The Complainers simply want to use women as tools to validate their ego, breed their children, cook and clean. Meanwhile he doesn’t want to have any responsibility to his wife equivalent. The Complainers like to say that career women end up lonely and they use examples like forty something singles like Tiffany Haddish and Charlize Theron.
I believe there is a price to pay for women being career focused. I believe that a woman that puts her career first probably does miss out on some opportunities to marry and have children. But The Complainers all seem like douchebags anyway. They have no respect for women and they don’t discuss love or even raising children much. When they discuss childbearing they talk about women as if they are prized pit bulls or thoroughbred horses. I don’t think The Complainers offer much as far as a lifetime of love and devotion.
I’ve learned to disregard everything that The Complainers say. Even when they make valid points they say something mean which lets me know their true intentions and unsaid feelings. I hope the women make decisions that benefit themselves and honor God. Prepare yourself to be a good wife to a deserving man. But trying to satisfy the desires of men that want women to exist simply for the pleasure and convenience of men seems like a lost cause.
I am Black and a bit of a social media junkie. Social media outlets have pretty much figured out that I’m Black and they suggest pages, channels, people, places and things that other Black people frequent. I follow them as do others in my demographic. It creates little virtual communities and there you have it, the Black social media sphere. It has been fun, entertaining, and educational in good ways and bad. Black social media can be a useful and entertaining tool. But it can be very toxic.
I’ll start off by saying that Black people are not given enough credit for being so witty and creative. When I was a big Facebook and Twitter user my brothers and sisters would absolutely have me cracking up with their unique takes on various hashtags. Some social media users reminded me of the glory days of hip hop when being a little street or ghetto or whatever you call was meshed with intelligence and insight. We don’t get to see that much in the media anymore. I miss it.
Black social media users have also brought attention to injustices in America such as police brutality and racism in common places. Cell phone video and social media has given justice to many Black people that never would have gotten it otherwise. I think that is wonderful and heroic.
But I’ve decided to not follow a lot of Black social media pages due to the nature of the speaker or his or her followers. I blocked The Shade Room on IG years ago and my quality of life immediately improved. I stopped following the 1990s rapper David Banner because I got tired of being a defender of the faith. I blocked The Amazing Lucas on You Tube because he is trying a little too hard to prove that he is a conservative Black man. It’s sad to watch a Black man pander to people that way.
It’s difficult to build a social media following unless you already have some sort of claim to fame, an amazing talent or you fit a particular beauty standard and decide to flaunt your body for the sake social media popularity. I’m guessing that it may even be more difficult for non celebrity Black people to build a large following because I rarely see Black people discussing things that wouldn’t be considered a Black interest on social media. I’ve figured that the best way for Black people to gain a social media following is by being controversial within the on line Black community.
I think Black men have it the hardest in the social media world. It’s a little harder for them to find their social media niche. Many Black women and feminine Black men have gained social media notoriety by creating celebrity gossip outlets, make up and hair tutorials.
But I don’t see many Black men creating channels that aren’t about dissecting matters in the Black community. It seems to me that the easiest way for a Black man to gain a large social media following is by talking about such matters and blaming Black women for them. Some of the most successful Black You Tubers that I’m aware of are men that think that Black women are solely responsible for every single problem in the Black community. Like, seriously every – single – one. The mental gymnastics these guys do is impressive. Actually buying into it is a personality disorder of some sort.
I’ve never followed members of the He Man’s Woman Haters Club but men that follow these ideologies show up in the comment sections of other vlogs such as gossip channels or a channel that is talking about current events to a Black audience. They drop nasty remarks about Black women’s appearances, marital status, “attitude” or whatever. They even put Black women down for going to college and pursuing careers. I would like to think that most of these remarks are coming from trolls in Moscow but I know my people and this can’t all be blamed on the Russians.
It’s like some of these guys (to be fair, I’ve had Black women make rude remarks about my appearance, especially my hair as well) know that Black women are trying to avoid them so they come to where we are in order to insult us in some way. I’ve made what I thought was an innocuous comment and have had my personal appearance attacked by my fellow social media users. People like that are usually hiding behind an anonymous profile so I can’t be sure of who they are but I’m guessing a lot of the insults based on skin color and hair texture are coming from people with similar skin color and hair texture.
After degrading Black women these gentlemen go on to put fairer skinned women on a pedestal. I don’t understand why they didn’t do that in the first place and just left us out of it. No one needs to justify their dating and marriage choices to anyone. And you shouldn’t have to put someone else down in order to express your love for someone else. Black women return the vitriol. They too have set up channels and make comments tearing Black men apart. There is no way to have a community if men and women hate each other.
Another topic that’s caught a lot of traction on Black social media is “woke” Black people telling Black Christians to stop believing in Christ. I had to block the 90s rapper David Banner for this reason. People like him are arrogant and patronizing and always use the same two or three reasons to justify their opinions.
Their reasoning displays their ignorance about the Bible, geography, human history. This “woke”, afrocentric community are the ones that believe in a White, European Jesus. Not those of us with the understanding that Bethlehem isn’t in Europe. Once again, all they need to do is follow their heart. There is absolutely no need to degrade someone else in order to justify a personal choice. Leave us out of your personal choices and I’ll leave you out of mine.
I ran across a You Tuber named The Amazing Lucas one day and I decided to follow him. After watching a few of his videos I blocked him. I don’t need anymore of his videos. He’s a young Black man that would probably describe himself as being conservative. But after a while I guess he had to work harder to prove himself.
He’s too emotional about things that aren’t that big of a deal such as the political opinions of NBA players that he’s never even heard of. Lucas is of the belief that racism is all a figment of Black America’s imagination which I find to be a very condescending and delusional view point. The Amazing Lucas doesn’t seem to understand that racism is an economic and sociological matter.
I don’t know who runs The Shade Room but they are a horrible human being and their followers are complete morons. It’s hard to find a dumber group of people on social media than what you would find on that IG page. I blocked them a long time ago because they were on there making fun of Simone Biles body. That’s right. They body shamed a world class athlete.
People that enjoy The Shade Room only like women that look like strippers. It’s all they care about or respect. They absolutely love people from the Love and Hip Hop Series and various young rappers that I’ve never heard of. But they trash an Olympic champion because she’s not so called slim thick. They trashed Gabrielle Douglas as well. I believe they came for her because she mentioned something about women should dress modestly and they went berserk. I don’t share the values of most people in The Shade Room so I had to block them.
The death and funeral of rapper Nipsey Hustle and the trials and tribulations of TV personality Wendy Williams have dominated Black social media the last few weeks. Meanwhile three Black churches in Louisiana burned mysteriously and the son of a police officer was arrested for the crimes.
I was on a You Tube channel yesterday that fashions itself after a news broadcast. The host discussed the church fires and people in the comments section were talking about their disdain for Christianity, especially Black Christians. They are clearly missing the point. But if they are that stupid why bother talking to them. I blocked the channel. I think we need to shift our values a bit. Our community suffered a terrorist attack and
I understand that the death of Nipsey Hustle is yet another urban violent tragedy but last weekend six were shot at a baby shower in Chicago. I haven’t heard Black social media say a word about that. I didn’t know who Nipsey Hustle was until he died so his death is no different than all the other murders that happen in the Black community.
I think that we should use the powerful medium of social media to discuss that to the point of beating a dead horse like we do stupid topics like fake hair, inter racial dating and twerking. And men that are obsessed with women that they don’t like need to be the ones doing the talking instead of blaming everything on single mothers.
I wish that Black social media communities would just stop trying to tell others in their community what to do. Stop thinking you know what’s best for someone else. If we all do our part, Christians, Israelites, Agnostics, LGBT, feminists, etc. we can all make improvements to build a better future for everyone. But this intra racial at least snarkiness and at most hatred should stop. We need to learn to respect each other more. I don’t feel like Black people appreciate our differences.
Some of these conversations that take place have been going on for years and we have come to no conclusion or made no progress. They are trivial matters anyway so we should just move forward. I think there are a few things we should be able to agree on such as if you’re mad at someone you shouldn’t shoot up their baby shower and let’s discuss those matters. The rest of if is all just drivel and a huge waste of time and I refuse to participate in it anymore.
I’ve retired from on line dating. Or you could say I’ve given up. You could also say I’ve aged out of the system. Regardless, I’m not doing it anymore. I wish I could say I’ve met a wonderful man so I not longer need the help but that isn’t the case. I’m single and if I have to go on a dating website to meet someone I prefer to remain single.
On line dating was an interesting experience and I learned a lot. I’ve tried different sites over the years. Most of what I learned is discouraging and it kind of makes me glad and proud to be single. I’m going to share some of my experiences and observations as a Black, Christian, college educated woman. I hope this is helpful to others.
The first problem with on line dating is simply that it’s kind of boring. You match with various people on the site and they mostly look alike, dress alike and say the same things. Most of them are not very good conversationalists. I ended up leading a lot of the conversations and when I ask people what they like to do with their free time and what their interests were many of them were at a loss.
Conversations on dating sites start like conversations at social events and night spots, with small talk. But small talk that would be over with in two or three minutes face to face can take several days on line. It’s easy to lose interest and patience with this especially if you’ve had dead end conversations like this in the past. The process is more tedious than anything.
On line dating is particularly tricky for Black women. I have always been open to dating men that are not Black but my preference was to have a Black, Christ focused family. I didn’t realize that I was betting on the long shot.
Before I delve into this topic I want to make it clear that I hold no ill will towards anyone. I’m not jealous or envious of anyone. I don’t think anyone owes me anything and I am not seeking to control anyone’s choices. Black women have to give those disclaimers when they speak their truths. So here I go.
I don’t think that most Black men on dating websites are there to meet Black women. I think their primary interest is meeting women that are not Black and if they date a Black woman they are probably looking for one whose appearance hints at significant European ancestry. I don’t have that to offer a man. There is very little European ancestry to pass along here.
So my advice to Black women that want to date Black men is that you should completely forego dating sites and meet men in mostly Black social spaces such as night clubs, churches, your circle of friends, etc. I know you’ve probably already tried that but I think that on line dating will be a complete waste of your time.
There are many, many Black men on these sites that you will match with but their intentions are questionable. I think they may be OK if you are simply looking for a good time if you know what I mean or even someone to go to a movie with once in a while but if you are thinking long term commitment your pot of gold is going to be hard to find. You’re as well off striking up conversations with men at gas stations.
If Black women are interested in dating outside of the Black community I think that on line dating has more to offer. The problem I had was that I live on the border of two red states and I absolutely hate Republican politics.
I can’t see myself getting involved with a man and marrying into a family that voted to turn America into a White, pseudo Christian, ethno state. Ironically, the men that I found to be the most sincere and that displayed the most genuine interest and excitement about meeting me were MAGA people and Civil War reenactors. I just couldn’t see myself having a future with one of those guys. I may look back and see my choices as a mistake but I don’t think so.
There were White men that took interest in me that you would probably classify as liberal but they were a bit too edgy. They had too many tattoos, too many body piercings, absolutely bizarre backstories, too many kids. Some of them were Atheists and many seemed to have unstable addresses. I don’t think it would work. Perhaps I will regret my life choices one day but at least I’ll be a blessing to some lucky cat.
I don’t think it’s important to have a lot in common with your spouse. I think it’s OK to have different interests and hobbies. But I would like to share faith in Christ with a person that I was going to marry. If a man doesn’t believe in Jesus I don’t think he would ever really understand me as an individual. Let me tell you what. If you are Christian, single and trying to be obedient to Christ you are undateable to 95% of the US population. I’m going to leave that right where it is.
Yes, I tried Christian Mingle but by the time I got around to them I wasn’t willing to pay for a dating site and you have to pay to communicate with people. I browsed the page and didn’t really see much that I wanted to invest in financially. Besides that I saw someone that I knew on there. That’s always awkward.
There are a lot of what I’ll call phantom people on dating websites. They are people that just moved to the area and they didn’t grow up here or have other kind of local connections. They are people that travel for work and come through town often. They are single men in the military. They are men that work from home and keep to themselves.
There are a lot of mysterious people on dating websites that don’t really belong anywhere or to anyone. No one really knows them. A lot of them claim to not like social media but they are on dating sites. The man that inspired my choice to never use a dating website again is someone that I sporadically communicated with for a few months and met for dinner once.
We continued to communicate after our meeting and I asked him his last name. He became agitated and defensive because I asked the question and he asked me why I wanted to know. I honestly just wanted to know because I was interested in getting to know this person but I indeed was going to search his name on the internet. I surely wouldn’t mind if someone did that to me. He refused to give me his last name because he said he didn’t feel comfortable giving it to me after meeting me once.
I asked him why that was a secret and he said that if I knew his last name then I could look him up on the internet and find out his address. I asked him at what point he would feel comfortable letting me know his last name. He said he would feel comfortable giving me that information once he had me over his house for dinner. Do you see how that doesn’t make sense? Anyhow, I blocked his number after that. Anyone that is guarded over his last name is probably too paranoid to date.
I am forty four and I feel like I have aged out of the on line dating system. Your forties is a super awkward age to be never married and without children. Most single people my age are divorced with children or at least with children. I’m a true spinster that hasn’t had that family life experience so I don’t have a bitter divorce and family court drama as common ground with others.
There were men on the internet that reached out to me that were significantly younger than I am. I never pursued any of the opportunities with the really young ones. I’m skeptical about what they really wanted with a woman my age. Their intentions can’t be good. On some level I think it must be a scam or at best he was just looking for an experience with an older woman.
I’m talking, I found you on Facebook and I see that you’ve grown a lot from your prom picture that was taken eighteen months ago young. I ain’t got time for that. Even if his intentions were pure that situation seems like a lot of work. He was cute though. I asked if his dad was single and he said no. They always say no.
I met one young single dad on line that was very, very bitter. I can’t believe how bitter he was at such a young age. I figured it was best I move on from that. I’m not even trying to hear the sob story about him and his baby mama. I don’t need the anger in my life and I’m not helping a man that could damn near be my son pay his child support.
A lot of the men I talked to that are in their forties and fifties which was my target group were shady. Many of them had never been married but most of them had children. I asked a few what they were seeking from a woman at this point in their life. They claimed they were seeking to settle down. Settle down at forty nine? Forty nine. FORTY F@(%ING NINE. I’m sorry but that is just funny to me.
They didn’t quit the game the game quit them. They were pushed into retirement and now they “just want a good woman to enjoy life with”. I’m sure a fifty five year old man has met at least a few good women that he could have enjoyed life with. I’ve asked some of them why they wanted to settle down now. One of them got defensive and said he wasn’t ready before. I see.
Now that he’s older the young ones that he really wants aren’t attracted to him and the older ones that he might have a chance with are probably busy with crafts and browsing at the humane society. Sex isn’t as easy to get, at least not with someone with a youthful aesthetic, so now he claims he wants to commit. These men have avoided marriage throughout their youth and never married the mothers of their children. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
I don’t see anything good coming from getting to know one of these men. It’s obvious that they don’t value marriage or traditional family values. Practically speaking, you’re coming into these men’s lives just as they’re about to start having heart attacks and strokes. You can look at most of them and tell that fitness and nutrition hasn’t been a priority in their lives. So unless you’re going to pull an Anna Nicole why sign up to be a man’s nurse?
It would be different if you had him when he was young and cute. Then it’s like WE had a stroke, WE had a heart attack, WE’RE paralyzed on one side of OUR body. You’ve built a long life together and he’s meant a lot to you for a long time. Your relationship has stood the test of time and he deserves a dutiful wife.
You’ve probably been consuming fried chicken, pizza and French fries together over the last twenty years so when he has a brain aneurysm you will look after him and when you are diagnosed with diabetes he will look after you. That’s the great American love story. Sorry, but if a man has been the good time boy in your town for the last three decades I don’t see that he deserves a loyal woman in his later years. Let his kids and all their mothers care for him.
The other awkward thing about on line dating in your forties is that people lie about their age. Forty is the last decade in your life when you claim youth. I ran into someone I know on an internet dating site and he said he was in his forties. I was shocked because he looked much older. I knew the man because he patronizes the business where I work. I looked him up in our database and saw his drivers license. He was lying by about fifteen years. I suspect this happens often because I’ve seen a lot of profiles with some pretty harsh looking forty somethings.
So anyway, that’s some of my story. I know that on line dating works out great for a lot of people. Congratulations to them. I would encourage anyone to give it a try as long as you are discerning and play it safe. As for me I gave it a try over the years and I’m done. I’ve come to some conclusions in my life and I’m honestly relieved. If nothing else on line dating has been an interesting and enlightening experience. I’ve learned a lot about men, women, sociology and status.
I’m still hopeful that I may find Mr. Right one day but if we find each other it won’t be on a dating app. There are plenty and I mean plenty of men on the internet but I don’t want to make the compromises to make them fit into my life and I don’t want to put the energy into getting to know them and their true intentions. And there are way too many unattached, mysterious phantom daters out there that don’t really seem to belong anywhere. There is a real risk of being killed or hurt when exploring an online connection. I’m not sure that seeking true love and devotion is worth the risk. Spinsterhood is looking like a pretty good option.
OK seriously I am getting better. I’m not watching near as many MGTOW videos on YouTube as I was. I’ve been marking videos off as “not interested” when they appear in my recommendations, blocking MGTOW channels and mercifully I think I may have gotten blocked from a few of these channels.
But once in a while a video from the He Man Woman Hater’s Club pops up and I can’t help but indulge. The MGTOW (Men Go Their Own Way) crowd abhor feminism and blame it for a lot of society’s ills. However, they unwittingly encourage it with their attitudes and behavior towards women.
MGTOW gentlemen do not want to commit to women, co-habitate with them or raise traditional families. They do not want to share their resources with women. They are not even nice to women or like them. It sounds to me that if a woman is smart she had better be able to make her own money and not be dependent on anyone for her survival.
MGTOW believes that women should seek out husbands and become mothers after high school. If they had it their way women wouldn’t even finish high school and they would just become wives, or something like that when they are young teenagers. But MGTOW believes that women are over the hill or “hit the wall” meaning they are undesirable and probably unable to have healthy children at thirty years old or not before.
These men do not express any love, affection or loyalty to any women. So once they have used a woman for her youth and child bearing potential I’m not sure if they would honor their commitments as husbands. MGTOW doesn’t speak much about raising families or creating legacies through family. They only talk about women for breeding purposes like they are show dogs.
Most people live far beyond age thirty so women had better be prepared for that part of life because that lasts far longer than the PYT (Pretty Young Thing) part lasts. Just like Judge Judy says, “Beauty fades, dumb is forever”. And men are fickle. If you don’t believe me just search out a MGTOW article on YouTube. If you’re a single woman it will make you more focused and ambitious than ever before.
One of the shortcomings of making marriage your end all be all is that even if you marry a great person and have a wonderful relationship people die. Even if your spouse leaves you comfortable financially which MGTOW has no interest in doing, you will undoubtedly be left lonely and in the same condition as the cat ladies that MGTOW maligns.
It’s interesting to me how people manifest more of what they hate. If MGTOW really wanted to prove to women that they were missing out on something they would choose a woman that they consider virtuous (they have a very thin line for what they consider to be a virtuous woman so good luck finding her) and treat her like a queen. Instead that they speak about women horribly, flaunt their own bad habits and judge women for being human. Who needs that?
The problem with modern feminism is that it’s hard to understand what feminists want. Do you want to be protected and have your femininity respected as women, or do you want to be thought of as able to compete with men on any level and in anything? I don’t think you can have both.
I’ve been reading a story of a young woman that aspires to play professional football. She hasn’t set her sights on a woman’s league. She wants to play in the NFL football. And she’s not a kicker.
I’m going to be completely blunt. This is one of the most foolish things I have heard in my life and it’s proof that brainwashing works. The fact is that there are biological differences between men and women. Men are physically stronger than women. I don’t believe there is any way a woman can compete in the NFL with men and not be killed.
Toni Harris is the young woman that wants to play in the NFL. You would imagine that a woman with that goal would be well over six feet tall and more than three hundred pounds. If that was the case I might be in favor of this pursuit if she was allowed to use steroids. (Fair is fair. Miss Spain was a transgendered female in last year’s Miss Universe pageant). But she’s not. She’s petite with a cute face. She’s a girly girl that wants a career where she will get tackled by the likes of Ndamukong Suh.
I suggest that Toni Harris research the name Mike Utley. He was a NFL player in the 1990s for the Detroit Lions. He suffered a hit that paralyzed him. He is not in his fifties and is still paralyzed. I’m an NFL football fan and I have watch some pretty rugged guys end up seeing stars after being tackled. I’ve often thought of playing football in the NFL as one of the worst jobs in the world. When you watch some of those tackles in slow motion they are absolutely brutal. I don’t know that I could survive one play in the NFL. Even if I didn’t die I’m sure something would happen to upset me a great deal.
It bothers me that the poster child for a woman in the NFL is a Black woman. Some years back a White woman tried out for the NFL as a kicker and she was awful. She didn’t make the cut and I’m surprised she even got the chance to try out. But Ms. Harris is wanting to play in a tackle position. Can you even imagine a blonde, blue eyed attractive White woman wanting to do this? I don’t think the American public would tolerate the thought of an attractive, young, White woman being tackled by the likes of a six feet something, two hundred pound plus linebacker.
Miss Toni Harris is being used as a sacrificial lamb to the modern feminist movement. I will never watch a game with a woman of small stature playing. I couldn’t bear it. There has always been a boundary around femininity that protects women. It is still there but it is being eroded by feminism and men are the beneficiaries.
In the #metoo era feminists need to decide what they want because I’m a woman and I can’t even figure it out. Is their mantra I am woman hear me roar or are they delicate flowers that want to be protected and made to feel comfortable at all times? They need to decide because I am a woman that is having a hard time sorting this out.
The quest for true love is not for the faint of heart. It’s tough out there folks and on line dating is a blessing for many but for others it adds to the confusion and frustration. I am a part of the latter group.
Last week I briefly communicated with a man and he suggested that we meet up for coffee. When I say we briefly communicated I mean that we clicked the feature to “like” each other and exchanged about two lines of text. He said that he was looking for a relationship and asked me if I would be open to talking to him about that. I said sure.
Then he suggested that we meet for coffee. I told him that I would not be interested in meeting him right away. I would like to talk to him on the app first and then have a few conversations on the phone. He says to me that he was no longer interested because he is feels like he can’t get to know a person through an app or on the phone. He wants to see a person face to face in order to get to know them.
I agree with him. I want to get to know a person face to face as well and get to know what makes a person unique. But I’m not going to meet up with a complete stranger upon his request. That sounds like a Backpage.com hookup to me.
This gentleman also said that he was concerned about being catfished. That’s a valid concern but I am concerned about being stabbed multiple times and ending up on a missing persons list or being sold into a sex trafficking ring. It’s a tough world out there for women. Men need to understand that women are the vulnerable party in these types of meetings. The least they can do is be understanding of our safety concerns.
This man wanted me to take the time to get dolled up, drive somewhere that I don’t typically go and compromise my safety so he can look me over as if I’m a used car. That’s very degrading without him knowing anything about me as an individual. And what do I stand to win in this beauty pageant. This man isn’t great looking. He isn’t young. I doubt that he’s wealthy. He’s not even nice or much of a gentleman. No thanks.
The funny thing about this brief interaction is that this man said that he was looking for a traditional woman. I like traditional relationships between men and women and I have no problem with old fashioned gender roles. But a man that states that he is looking for a traditional woman is a bit of a red flag for me. That’s all he talked about in his profile other than his aspirations to own an insurance firm.
I don’t know that I am the type of traditional woman he is looking for but I am a lady. I wanted to try and establish that. What lady is going to meet up with a stranger that she knows absolutely nothing about? This is not only a safety concern but I am trying to avoid wasting the time and energy of both parties.
I often wonder how some people end up in relationships with people where they both have completely different visions for their future. A lot of these problems can be avoided with open and honest conversations at the beginning. Actually I do know how people get into these situations. They aren’t open or honest. The beginning of many romantic relationships take place behind a smokescreen.
For me looks are not the most important factor because there are very few men on dating websites that are attractive. Most of them are Kansas City sevens at best. So looks are not my primary focus because it doesn’t seem to be an option that is available to me. I’m interested in character, common goals and values and what we both want for the future.
I think that all of these things are based on the individual and not based on who they meet in life. That’s particularly true for people that are over thirty five or so. It’s all about finding a good match and you can eliminate people that may not be right for you if you give things a bit of time in the beginning and have the right conversations.
I agree that you can’t completely get to know a person on the phone or through messages on a dating app. But there should be a period of time where people get to know each other from a safe distance and without an investment of money, time or make up. Men are worried about being catfished but women are worried about being murdered or raped. A true gentleman will be considerate of those concerns instead of putting his selfish interests first.