Shannon in Kansas City YT: Shannon's Bible Study IG:@showmeshannon

Dating and relationships are a common topic on social media. That’s particularly true in Black social media spaces. These discussions have no real merit. Their intent is not to come to an understanding and create harmony. The intent is to gaslight, degrade and manipulate women, particularly Black women. The intent of these conversations is to get women to barter with abusive men and negotiate their worth to a lower value.

Social media discussions about relationships often tell women, particularly Black women, they need to choose better and if they aren’t treated well in a relationship they should leave. That’s straight forward and fair but the advice isn’t meant to be helpful. It’s a way for disrespectful, predatory and abusive men to avoid responsibility for their actions. It’s a way to shift the responsibility from the ill-intentioned person to the victim. It also makes poor behavior more difficult to define and recognize. It’s highly manipulative.

For context this is the tweet that inspired this blog post.

It goes without saying that a woman should end a courtship if it’s not respectful and validating. If there are more questions than answers and the relationship becomes frustrating, stressful and painful she shouldn’t spend more time and energy on the affair. If the relationship is less than loving, respectful with clear intentions and boundaries it’s not worthwhile.

But why are there questions and frustration in the first place? Why is the man “nonchalant”? How did the pair find themselves in a relationship in the first place? The man likely approached the woman and presented himself as a potential romantic partner. He kept up the act long enough for the woman to invest in him emotionally, physically or financially before she cut communications.

The man is still a problematic. He should not have set out to use and toy with the woman. Regardless of her actions he will repeat the cycle with someone else because that’s how scammers operate. Con artists don’t have any real interest in their victim. They are self centered and goal oriented. Once they extract what they want they don’t care if the other party leaves. It’s likely what they want because their target is a mere bother now.

There is nothing for a woman to feel bad about as far as her actions. She accepted an invitation from a potential suitor that she found charming. She was interested in dating and the possibilities that that held. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s only human. Her basic human desires were exploited by someone wanting to take advantage of her.

The account that created the tweet that set me off is now suspended. The woman under the tweet that was bickering with me may have been a phony troll account but it’s hard to say. Unfortunately, it’s highly likely that a woman would say think a woman should share the responsibility of a man’s bad behavior and poor personal choices. It’s not an uncommon point of view. I think this thought process is common among Black Americans. Women are often made scapegoats in order to spare men’s egos and images.

Men should not approach women with thoughtless and harmful intentions. Those are his choices. His female companion’s reaction to him doesn’t change his integrity. Adults are accountable for their actions. Boys will be boys is no excuse past around ten. If a man can’t be held responsible for himself he shouldn’t be dating.

His negative actions, emotional problems and biases are not your fault! His predatory and deceptive spirit ways are not your fault. Don’t take on the responsibility for his actions. That will help you understand your worth. That will help you leave a damaging relationship sooner. His actions and flakiness are not your fault! You’re not responsible if you’re a victim of someone’s lies. That’s NOT your fault!