The Reason Relationships Fail part 2

Science is not my strong suit. But I do remember a few things from high school chemistry class. I remember doing experiments and if a chemical got contaminated the experiment was ruined and we had to start over or not get credit for the assignment. We were instructed on how not to contaminate the chemical in order to not waste time and risk failure. There were meticulous details on how to handle containers with the chemicals. Handling the chemicals and their containers was a lesson within itself.

Relationships fail because they become contaminated and later turn toxic. The contaminants are things like dishonesty, anger, mean words, disrespect and insincerity. Once a relationship is contaminated you may need to start over because it’s ruined. By starting over I mean find a new partner or be happily single. Starting over is disappointing but it’s better than trying to maintain a tainted relationship.

The best thing a new couple can do is try to keep the relationship pure by being nice, understanding, honest and having good communication. You have to handle each other with care. The extra effort is worthwhile unless you see the relationship as disposable from the start.

I remember that some experiments could be saved with another chemical that can clean contaminants. Patience, understanding and forgiveness can clean up toxins along with changed behavior. Sometimes the experiment is too far gone to be restored.

My conclusion is to keep a new relationship pure with honesty, good communication, and nice behavior. Don’t see relationships as disposable. Even if you don’t care about a relationship turning toxic because you see it as disposable you will contaminate yourself. Relationships can be detoxed with understanding and forgiveness but it’s never quite the same as it was before the toxins being introduced. Move forward with new relationships with caution. You don’t want irreparable contaminate your new pairing so you don’t have to start over with a new one or choose singleness.

The Reason Relationships Fail

There is one reason relationships fail: unmet expectations. That fact is true regardless of the type of relationship. Whether it be romantic, professional, friendship or family relationships they all end because expectations were not met . This essay is about romantic relationships. For context, this is from a heterosexual perspective. I believe that men should pursue and initiate and women set the parameters and standards for a relationship.

If the proper respect and communication is in place a relationship it can be salvaged through honest conversations and adjustments when expectations are not being met. Without the proper respect and communication the relationship will crumble due to the disappointment and hard feelings.

The beginning of dating relationships is great because you don’t expect a lot from people you haven’t known long. At the beginning of a dating relationship your suitor is a mere cute and charming stranger or casual acquaintance. It’s best to make your intentions and expectations know while the relationship is still new.

Unfortunately, people aren’t always honest about their intentions and they take advantage of the gray area that exists in a new relationship. Sometimes people have no idea what they really want so they go along to get along. The woman usually decides when the gray area should become more defined. The definition is on a graduated scale. The woman is usually the one conscious of the graduated scale.

People have define commitment in various ways 2021. It comes in the form of traditional marriage, co habitation or perhaps just a steady date and companion. Feelings and expectations change over time as a relationship goes on. Regardless of what commitment looks like a woman may feel that she is entitled to a certain level of respect and consideration in a longer relationship. If the man does not satisfy the woman’s expectations the relationship will begin to unravel.

The relationship can be saved through communication and coming to an agreement. If both parties value the relationship enough to save it an understanding needs to be reached in order to stay together in a harmony. Or they can agree to disagree and split up which is also a valid choice.

What often happens after a couple has been together for a while is that the woman is interested in a commitment or at least for the relationship to be clearly defined. She wants to know exactly how the man feels about her. She wants to know if there is a future with the man. Men often want to stay in the undefined, gray area as long possible. But the woman’s feelings are always going to change and grow with time if she has any genuine feelings for the man. With that comes greater expectations.

She will probably expect more from him as far as time, respect, affection commitment, etc. If he isn’t prepared to honor her expectations that the relationship will either end, they won’t get along or she will stay and be unhappy. It comes down to figuring out if you have the same goals in mind from the start, respect and communication. This is a make or break time for couples. It’s time to decide to break up or commit.

It’s all pretty simple but people are often dishonest from the outset and don’t communicate in riddles. A relationship like this is doomed to fail. I don’t think anyone should date before eighteen. Therefore, dating is for adults. Adults are responsible for communicating what they want. If an intelligent adult is acting like they can’t communicate and verbalize feelings after an adequate amount of getting to know the person I think they are being manipulative. Do with it as you will.

Love is a gamble but know when to give up. Some relationships can be like throwing your money into a lousy slot machine. In dating relationships it’s not hard to express how you feel about someone. If feelings are genuine you should be eager to let your partner know how you feel. You should want to assure your partner. In a cold world your relationship should be a warm, fuzzy safe place. Not a source of confusion, frustration, misunderstanding and stress. There’s nothing wrong with being a quitter.

Marry Smart: Book Review

Marry Smart is a relationship advice book for young, career oriented women by Susan Patton. I think it’s worth the read. It’s quick and Ms. Patton gives sound, practical and realistic advice to young women who aspire to marriage and motherhood.

Susan Patton is an HR professional and Princeton graduate who wrote a controversial letter to the editor of the campus newspaper of her alma mater. The letter advised young women to focus on finding a husband with as much or more energy as they do in starting a career. The letter garnered a lot of attention. Enough conversation was aroused by the letter that Susan wrote a book explaining her opinions on young women, careers, marriage and motherhood. I remember seeing Susan on morning TV programs like Today and The View when the book was released in 2014.

Susan was criticized in the mainstream and by feminists but what she was saying on the talk show circuit made sense to me. The author urges young women to be honest with themselves. If they want to marry and have children pursue that goal as they would any other. Be strategic. That’s the bottom line.

Susan states that the best time in a woman’s life to find a husband is while in college. She advises young women to make finding a spouse a priority while they are young and in school because that’s when youth, social surroundings and fertility are in a woman’s favor.

The odds of finding a desirable and compatible husband are in a young woman’s favor while she is on campus. She’s around men that are educated, career oriented, young, most likely single and childless. After graduation it’s nearly impossible to simulate that kind of social setting. The author advised women to remain active in alumni activities if they don’t find a husband while a student. It’s pretty simple and common sense.

Ms. Patton says that if you know you want to marry pursue it as a goal and be mindful of your time. Pop culture leads women to believe that they will meet the perfect mate by chance. Mainstream American Christianity preaches that The Lord will bring you the perfect spouse. I don’t think these romantic notions are fruitful.

I would encourage young women to be deliberate in their dating choices, have goals and be mindful of time . I think that Marry Smart offers great advice to women regardless of their educational and career goals. Any young woman can read this book and apply it to their own life and circumstances.

My criticism of this book is that it lasts a little longer than is necessary. Susan’s advice delves into some other areas that can help a lady be a success in life but it does get to be a bit superfluous near the end. It feels like Susan’s editor had a word requirement and she needed to stretch.

Generally speaking I think relationship advice is terrible. But Ms. Patton’s advice is based on simple biology. Women have been set up to fail by ignoring biology. The author is a bit harsh but I think it comes from a good, loving, maternal place. It’s worth a read. I listened to an audio book version which lasted about seven hours.

Vikings: Hvitserk – the Most Problematic Character

SPOILERS AHEAD!

I finally finished watching the TV series Vikings after about two years. The show lasts for six seasons and there are a total of 89 episodes. The plot spans two generations and three continents. There are around one hundred characters in the series. I can’t cover all of it in this blog post so instead I’m going to focus on the most problematic point in the plot and the most confusing character. His name is Hvitserk.

Hvitserk is one of Ragnar’s five sons. The later part of the series revolves around the sons of Ragnar. To make a long story short Hvitserk is co dependent and always needs to latch onto someone; a girlfriend, his brother or something.

Hvitserk was close to his brother Ivar who didn’t have the ability to walk with iron walking aids. Ivar was a madman and insecure. He made up for his profound shortcomings on the battlefield. Ivar was fearless and was a great military strategist. Hvitserk was loyal to his brother and was an asset in war.

Ivar was jealous of his brother because he was impotent. There was a point in the story where Hvitserk fell in love and had a girlfriend. This was a threat to Ivar because Hvitserk had the potential of producing an heir. Ivar became very creepy and stalkerish towards his brother and his girlfriend. He kidnapped the girl and burned her at the stake.

The grief and anger of losing his girlfriend drove Hvitserk insane. He became a junkie in order to cope with the loss and suffered from hallucinations. One dark and rainy night while having a mental health episode he killed the heroine of the show Lagartha. Lagartha was a legendary shield maiden in their town. She was also his older brother’s mother. A fortune teller predicted one of Ragnar’s sons would end Lagartha’s life.

Hvitserk’s older brother Bjorn, Lagartha’s son and ruler of their town Kattegat, sentenced Hvitserk to be burned at the stake for his crime. As things were heating up Bjorn changed his mind and released Hvitserk. The new sentence was banishment to the woods in the middle of winter. Bjorn did not expect Hvitsverk to survive.

Ivar had already been banished to the woods for trying to overthrow Bjorn and was taken in by a neighboring kingdom, The Russe. Hvitserk was found nearly frozen to death in the woods and taken in by the Russe. Hvitserk and Ivar were reunited.

From that point on they were cool and buddy-buddy. Past transgressions that made Hvitserk lose his mind were forgotten. They were back to over throwing power structures together again. The shift in the plot was very annoying and unrealistic to me. While they were in Russia they needed to have on good confrontation over the things that Ivar did to Hvitserk’s lover. But nah, it was water under the bridge. He was miraculously healed of his mental illness and substance abuse problem.

Hvitserk stayed by Ivar’s side throughout the rest of the show. Ivar died in Hvitserk’s arms on the battlefield in a war with the Saxons. As his bones finally gave out on him completely he cried in fear of death. Hvitserk was his strength and comfort at that moment. The brothers loved each other and had an inexplicable and dysfunctional bond.

Hvitserk then surrenders to the Saxon king and becomes a Christian. Hvitserk can not survive on his own. He was a bad ass dude but he lacked motivation. At the end he latched on to his conquerors.

Vikings was a good show and I enjoyed it. Hvitserk’s storyline was a bit questionable but I think you would like it if you like historical dramas.

Fall Book Review: Precolonial Black Africa

I finished a book called Precolonial Black Africa by Cheikh Anta Diop over the weekend. I was grateful to find this book from an online bookseller after not finding information at libraries and mainstream bookstores on the subject of precolonial Africa for years. I would recommend this book if you are interested in African history before European colonization.

Precolonial Black Africa gives readers a good over view on the topic. It covers different cultures in Black Africa and different facets of society. The book discusses religion, education, government, family structure, art, the economy, etc. The author did a good job of sharing information of a vast subject to readers that may not know much about African history.

The book is a little dry and I will attribute it to being translated into English. I didn’t have much background in precolonial African history so I dove into unfamiliar territory which is also a factor. There were parts of the book that I needed to push myself through despite the book only being two hundred and forty pages.

Nonetheless, I would recommend the book if you want to learn about African culture before European colonization. It gives you a good overview and jumping off point for further study. Precolonial Africa is a book that I will save for my personal library for reference.

Here are the few things that stood out for me:

Islam changed African culture before Europe did. Precolonial African leaders were political and religious leaders. Once Africans converted to Islam their traditional leaders lost influence and culture was lost.

Pre colonial African culture had a different relationship to land ownership than Western society has. They didn’t believe anyone could own land or hold a deed for it.

There were more checks and balances in African societies. There was a caste system but lower castes were empowered by social mores.

There was slavery in Africa but many slaves had agency and could move about society. American slaves were treated in similar fashion to the way European peasants and serfs were treated.

Family lineage was traced through mothers.

If you’re interested in learning about Africa before European influence Precolonial Black Africa is worth your time even though the language is a bit dry.