The Modern Dating Scam: the Bait and Switch Date

There are a lot of scams involved in dating these days.  Before you can look for love you need to be sure that they’re not simply looking to use you.  I’ve noticed a dating trend over the last few years.  I’m going to call it the bait and switch date and here’s how it works.

Let’s say a man and woman take interest in each other so they make a date.  It’s Wednesday and they plan a day at a park for Sunday afternoon.  As it gets close to time for the date the man finds a reason to modify the plans.  He will come up with an excuse as to why the date that was planned won’t work on Sunday morning.

He may give excuses like:

  • It’s going to be a bit cool.  (The seven day forecast told us that.  Wear a jacket.)
  • He has hay fever. (Didn’t he know that before?)
  • He wants to see you but he has to do something later that night so he will be pressed for time.  He doesn’t want to be rushed.  (When did that come up?  Why did you even make this plan with me if you had something to do later?)

As far as you’re concerned the plans can be canceled and we can see each other a different day.   We can do something all together different if a firm plan is put into place.  But he says that he wants to see you today.  (Awww)  You’ve taken the bait.  You’ve already agreed to spend time with him and reserved a block of time for him.

He had no desire or probably intention to ever go to the park.  His wheels have been turning for the last few days to see how an afternoon in the park can end up with time alone so he can try and have sex with you.  He may also have made a suggestion that he thought you would like to butter you up.  An idea of a pleasant afternoon may be enough to get you on the hook.

fish on the hook

Here’s the switch.  So now he suggests that the two of you meet up for drinks or a bite to eat at a bar or cafe near his house instead of going to the park and the two of you can talk and see where the afternoon goes.

switcheroo

Don’t trust men when they say “Let’s see where it goes”.  Don’t trust them ever.  Just don’t.  Hit the eject button.  Flakiness in men is usually a smoke bomb which creates a confusing gray area for them to exploit and people can be hurt that way to varying degrees.

smoke bomb

In my opinion it would be a lot more respectful and mature if a man said, “Hey, I’m interested in casual sex this afternoon.  Are you up for it?  I have no interest in a long term commitment from you but you are kind of sexy.”  The woman is then empowered to say yes or no.  She can even open the conversation up to terms, conditions and negotiations.

negotiations

But they don’t want to negotiate and put everything out on the table because they don’t want women to be empowered in that way.  The US workforce works the same way.  There’s a reason union labor has dwindled.  Negotiations empowered marginalized workers.  The workers got a chance to have their voices heard and companies were bound to an agreement.  Large companies didn’t like that so they undermined union labor.  The sexual revolution and feminism undermined and eroded women’s bargaining power.  Men are no longer bound to anything but their own needs.

The world is run by men.  They know how to make decisions, speak their mind and come to compromises.  That’s why I look for leadership in men when it comes to personal relationships.  To me leadership involves being able to make a firm decision and having the ability to make plans.  Waffling back and forth is not attractive.  I’ve learned that when men are being flaky and vague it’s not confusion it’s deception.  He is pulling a bait and switch.

Loyalty: One of the Values of a Fake Relationship

I don’t know if these memes are jokes or if they are serious. Nonetheless, it is sad to me that they exist at all.

It seems that modern culture is telling women that they need to prove loyalty to men that are not their husbands or even boyfriends. In return for their loyalty I’m assuming these women get to marry a person that is self centered, manipulative, fake and generally not very nice. What joy!

Men don’t seem to be offering the same kind of loyalty in return, at least not right away. I guess they commit after they’ve exhausted all other options and they’ve wasted a lot of a woman’s time and energy. In other words they capitulate because they’ve wasted their time and now they’re probably not desirable to other women.

These relationships are based on desperation, limited options and limited understanding of a man’s role and a woman’s worth. I’m going to give a few examples of those living under simlar circumstances, demanded loyalty with little to nothing given in return:

Citizens of North Korea

north korea

The citizens of North Korea are required to be loyal to it’s leaders. In return for that loyalty the government doesn’t brutally punish and or execute them. Their loyalty isn’t really love of country as much as it is fear of being sent to a work camp, tortured and killed.

Slaves

Loyalty is demanded of slaves. Without loyalty there would be rebellion. The empowered person would lose complete control. All would be lost. Their sense of importance and probably money would be lost. Loyalty is maintained through violence and psychological bondage.

slave rebellion

Dogs

Dogs are loyal. They don’t ask for much or have very high expectations. All they want is a pat on the head and a bowl of kibble. They’re loyalty comes very cheap. They simply want validation.

dogs

Mom

Moms are great. I love moms. If you ask most people who has always been loyal to them most would say their mom. Moms are loyal to human beings that are essentially useless in the beginning. But moms have high hopes. Babies are cute but they are a lot of work. Young children are exhausting.

Babies are just balls of potential. This type of loyalty is valiant in a mother but it is foolish from women in pseudo romantic relationships.

mom

Men are supposed to show leadership in relationships and if they don’t do that they are not living up to their potential. Once a relationship is established loyalty is a two way street. Two people need to commit to each other and set boundaries for a relationship. No woman wants to be in a relationship where she feels like she is a citizen of a dictatorship, slave, pet or a man’s mother. There is no way true romance can blossom under those conditions. If a man is demanding loyalty without giving it or offering a future you are headed for a fake relationship devised to take advantage of you.

Jeana Turner: ANTM Cycle 24

 

 

Recently Jeana Turner of ANTM Cycle 24 made a video discussing her experience as a contestant on America’s Next Top Model.  Her complaints are similar to complaints of reality TV show contestants since Real World I.  Jeana says she was edited in a way that portrayed unfairly.  She also said that producers created an environment that would create dramatic situations.  And like many other ANTM contestants Jeana says the show hurt her career more than it helped.

I watched Jeana’s season and she was portrayed as a villain.  She wasn’t my favorite that season but I didn’t dislike her.  I just thought that she was competitive, driven and not particularly warm and friendly towards the other girls.  I don’t think she owed them that.  I respected Jeana during her season.

I’m not particularly sympathetic to Jeana about the way she was portrayed because many reality TV contestants have talked about their experiences once their show is over.  It wouldn’t be difficult to research what it is like to be on a reality TV show.  Contestants are not held hostage in their living quarters.  They have the choice to leave if they find the circumstances to be unbearable.

The intriguing thing about this video isn’t Jeana’s complaints against the producers of ANTM.  The most compelling statement in this video comes just before the thirty minute mark.  Jeana posed for Playboy when she was eighteen and she says that she felt judged by Tyra for posing nude.  She says of Tyra “You say sex sells but how did that work out for my career?”.  Young women have been given a bad bill of sale.  Women are being groomed from a young age to be used sexually while getting nothing in return.

I do agree with Jeana that Tyra is a hypocrite.  I’ve watched her for years and her producers have cast women that have no romantic or sexual history with men and then asks them to pose nude with male models on ANTM.  When the model feels uncomfortable or awkward with the male model they are admonished by the judges panel and told they need to sacrifice to give the photographer a good shot.

On her old talk show she had girls on that were sexually active at young ages and she admonished them for that behavior.  So where does Tyra really stand?  Does she want to encourage casual sex or protect innocence and purity?  I think she just wants to sell a TV show.  So I’m with Jeana on that point.

Jeana said that she listened to Tyra’s mantra of sex sells.  She was having a difficult time establishing a modeling career so when she got an opportunity to be in Playboy she took it.  She later regretted it when her idol that gained fame from modeling underwear and bikinis looked down on her for posing nude.

Other than Anna Nicole Smith I’m not sure that posing for Playboy has lead to anyone’s success in high fashion.  But Anna Nicole Smith was one of a kind.  Jeana was groomed by feminist teachings that taught her that putting her body on display is empowering for women.  Jeana listened to Tyra who became a powerful woman in fashion and television by showing skin.

 

 

Jeana must not have been completely comfortable with baring it all because she regrets it now.  I’ve never heard Pamela Anderson Lee express regret for posing for Playboy and she’s made several appearances in the magazine.  But Pamela became a successful actress by making herself a sex symbol.  It was a part of her brand and it suited her personality.  I don’t think a compromise was made.

But Pamela Anderson Lee was an exception.  She was comfortable with posing nude and was around twenty three the first time she posed for Playboy.  Jeana was only eighteen.  I think the entertainment industry will make an example of women like Pamela Anderson Lee and Anna Nicole Smith as paradigms of what can happen if you push your boundaries and take a chance.  There’s that, and Pamela and Anna Nicole were never really taken seriously.  They didn’t even take take themselves seriously.

Here is another example of how new aged morality and feminist thinking is not telling women and girls the entire truth about putting your body on display and modesty.  There is a cost that goes along with it and most women are not prepared to pay that price.

Jeana was lied to by a culture that celebrates women selling themselves cheaply for the short term pleasure of men in exchange for validation or favors.  Women need to understand that they can choose to pose nude if they want but make sure it’s a strategic move that is a part of your brand that will help you meet your goals.  If you want to be taken seriously it’s probably better to remain fully clothed.

Women need to stop selling ourselves short.  Jeana has a very unique look and is photogenic. She is driven and passionate about her career.  She didn’t need Playboy for recognition in high fashion or acting.  She already had what she needs for success.  Posing nude did more for Playboy readers than it did for her.  I think that’s the idea behind the deceptive teachings of feminism and new aged morality .

 

Don’t Date Just Anybody

I got a good response from a post that I made yesterday called Ask 1000 Questions (The Right Questions).  I decided to share another humorous gem that I ran across on Facebook a while back.

Ask lots of questions and take your time are both good bits of advice.  It’s a good way to avoid the pitfalls of a fake relationship that was devised to use you.  Remember that women are the vulnerable party in courtships. Men don’t have much to lose in fake no commitment relationships.  Their investment is very small.

Women are more vulnerable to physical harm.  Women form emotional attachments easier.  Women go through pregnancy regardless if the father is involved or not.  Women take on the responsibility of caring for children regardless if father is involved or not.  And women are judged more harshly by society for past relationships with men.

It’s in a woman’s best interest to protect herself against the chicanery that is prevalent in the dating world.  If a man isn’t willing to show you that he is interested in a commitment then he shouldn’t be allowed to take up a large space in your life.  This is a drain of emotional energy that can be redirected somewhere else.

If men and women are going to date without commitment the terms of the relationship should be made clear and both parties should agree.  It’s up to the couple to decide on the terms of a relationship.  If both parties are honest and agree the details are completely up to them.  But if we’re honest women want to be married 9/10.

If a man wants a particular woman he will rise to her standards.  If a man is looking for a sex kitten, a security blanket, a nice lady to babysit his kids or someone to help him pay off his truck he is going to find a woman to fit that bill.  He will probably never marry her.  Once she’s served her purpose he will move on.

I know that people get lonely and desire attention and affection but it’s not worth it if it’s a counterfeit.  Counterfeit, cubic zirconia affection causes more problems than being single.  So ask 1,000 specific questions and take your time.  It’s OK to walk away and if he walks away don’t chase him.  Learn to cut your losses because you can’t just date anybody.  Good luck everybody.

Ask 1000 Questions (The Right Questions)

Over the weekend I read the advice column Ask E. in “Elle” magazine.  A young woman said that she was gradually ghosted by a man that she dated for around a month.  He told her that she was not marriage material.  The man is long gone but she still feels bad about what he told her.  Her letter to “Elle” reminded me of a video that I saw on Facebook years ago.

Creflo Dollar is right.  When you meet someone new be sure to ask 1,000 questions at the beginning of the relationship.  And be prepared to answer questions.  If your suitor isn’t asking much about your motivations or background they probably have shallow reasons for wanting to date you.

Ask the right questions.  I think that it is important to find out a person’s motivations for dating.  Women make the mistake of thinking that men are motivated by the same things as them.  Women are motivated to find long term relationships.  Men are motivated to find short term no strings attached sex.

Men are great at wasting time and they have no problem starting a relationship with a woman and faking a courtship in order to get sex until he finds a woman that he really wants for a commitment.  It’s one of the biggest scams of the modern age.  The fake relationship may last a night, month or a decade.  Fake relationships have started entire families.  It all seems like a waste of time and energy to me but it’s the way that many men operate.

The woman that wrote to Ask E. didn’t say whether she became intimate with the man.  A woman can be ghosted if she refuses to have sex right away or if she has sex and he decides he’s ready to move along.  If the man thought she was “wife material” it wouldn’t have mattered.  He would have remained in her life without judgement.  Men marry promiscuous women all the time.  If he likes her he likes her and that’s all she wrote.

So like Creflo Dollar said don’t be afraid to ask 1,000 questions.  Don’t start a relationship with a bunch of small talk, banter and meaningless compliments.  You already know you’re pretty.  A man shouldn’t have a problem stating his true intentions even if he only wants casual sex.  Perhaps the young lady is interested in that too.  That sounds like an equally yoked couple to me.

If a man is looking for a long term commitment he shouldn’t be afraid to state his objective.  He should also be able to say why he is attracted to you and why he thinks you might be a good life partner.  Ask the specifics at the beginning.  Now I know people lie and there is nothing you can do about that.  Just make sure the actions match the words over an extended period of time.

menace ii society

If you open the dialogue it should at least be interesting to see what he has to say.  You know how you get asked weird, vague questions in job interviews.  I heard a hiring manager say once that they just want to see how you will respond.  The answer itself isn’t as important.  The idea is to get the candidate to talk so you can see what is on their mind.

If you are ghosted immediately that’s probably what he would have done at some point anyway.  Trash takes itself out.  Get the truth out on the table and find out where the man’s head is before you invest your heart and time.

People are savage out here and there is no honor.  People act out of selfishness and don’t really care if they hurt someone.  They just think that the person that they took advantage of shouldn’t have been such a sucker.  Unfortunately dating is almost like Spy Vs. Spy and the most cunning and suspicious person wins.  I’m not exactly sure what the prize is.  Waiting to get stabbed in the back doesn’t seem like a start to a great romance to me.

spy versus spy

Ask 1,000 questions towards the beginning of a relationship.  It might be a good idea to ask the first one or two hundred before the first date.  And ask questions that are specific to you to see if he sees you as merely a place holder until he runs across someone he deems as wife material.  Heck, ask him what he considers wife material and if you fit into his mold.  I think that you have more to gain than you have to lose.

And please don’t go over his house unless you simply want to get laid.  That’s a real crap shoot and a lot can go wrong for women if you do that.  After sex women esteem men more and I think that men esteem women less.  If you care what he thinks you’re better off to keep the relationship in public spaces for a while.  The truth will come out eventually.

Educated Women in Bikinis

I enjoy beauty pageants.  I have been watching them for as long as I remember.  They are the stuff that dreams are made of.  Who wouldn’t like to be named the prettiest woman in the state or country and given a crown and roses?  If everyone was honest we would all admit that we would all enjoy that validation.

I value pageants because they are a conspicuous display of hyper femininity.  I’m all for it and I hope they never change.  I don’t think that women get very many opportunities to be in the spotlight and pageants give them a platform.  Miss America and Miss USA are the two biggest pageants that come to my mind and they are distinct brands.  Miss USA contestants are the girls that boys liked in school and Miss America contestants are the pretty girls that teachers liked in school.  Both are great.

Recently a representative for the Miss America pageant remarked that “Educated women don’t parade around in swimsuits”.  That quote is actually part of a sentence and the remark was taken out of context but nonetheless I will share my thoughts on the controversy not the comment itself.

I found this remark to be a bit hypocritical since the Miss America pageant only recently took the swimsuit competition out of their pageant.  But my real concern is the contestants of the Miss USA pageant that got all up in their feelings because they are personally offended by Miss America’s quote.  Miss USA which feeds into the Miss Universe competition still have swimsuit competitions.

I follow pageant fan pages and several beauty queens on IG.  A lot of the Miss USA title holders have posted messages of themselves in bikinis and listed their academic accomplishments.  They posted long IG rants about how the Miss America Organization’s notion about educated women in bikinis is dated, sexist and hostile towards women.  The Miss America organization is absolutely right.

I agree that a woman can be smart and sexy.  A woman can be flirtatious and competent.  It’s unfortunate that the world sees women in a one dimensional way but feminism has not changed that.  Feminism is making things worse because much of their focus in on looks and sexuality.

Here’s the hypocrisy of Miss USA and Miss Universe contestants.  Most of these women are absolutely brilliant.  Many of them have impressive careers, educational backgrounds and compelling backstories.  But most of the ones that I’ve heard about after their reign has ended go into entertainment or they marry a wealthy man.  I think that marrying well is the real end game for women in the Miss USA/Miss Universe pageant system.

There is nothing wrong with any of that but they got their new opportunities because they look good in a bikini not because they studied hard in school.  Miss USA contestants are smart enough to know this and they are bluffing the world with politically correct feminist rhetoric that sets other women up for failure.  I think that this is the case for feminism in general.  Sorry but women in most day to day situations can not present themselves as sex objects and be taken seriously as intellectuals.  For some reason the bikini cancels out the intellect.

Feminism tries to have it both ways.  They want to tell women that they can be taken seriously as a woman in a bikini.  That simply isn’t true unless you are a swim suit model or perhaps an Olympic swimmer.  If you disagree imagine wearing a bathing suit to a job interview.  Even if you are applying to be a lifeguard that wouldn’t go over well.

I think women should use all of the tools at their disposal to open as many doors as possible including sex appeal.  But women need to be realistic about the way women are pigeonholed.  Feminism isn’t changing the way women are perceived when they put forth sexualized images of themselves.  I think that women need to present themselves the way they want to be perceived. Consider your goal and dress the part.

If anything feminists are encouraging women to use their bodies to gain love, acceptance and opportunities instead of using their minds.  That’s why the body positivity movement is popular.  Women that don’t fit the mold of a beauty queen want to be able to feel validated for how they look too.  That’s what today’s feminism is all about.

If you want to be taken seriously as a professional dress the part for the profession you choose.  But when it’s time to party or have a day at the beach have fun with fashion and enjoy yourself.  You can’t always take yourself seriously.  There’s a time and a place for everything.

I just wish the beauty queens that protested the remark from the Miss America Organization were a little more honest and thoughtful in their responses.  They could have said I was competing to be Miss USA, not a receptionist at an accountant’s office.  There are scholarships, fame, travel, jewelry and meeting with wealthy men at stake.  I will broker world peace in a suit that grazes my knees later.

I honestly don’t know why they responded at all.  The remark from the Miss America Organization seemed pretty innocuous to me and it fits their girl next door brand.  Miss America is a non profit organization that is focused on community service.  Miss USA is more glitz and showbiz.  Fighting for your right to be seen as a professional in a bikini is not a hill I would want to die on.  That’s why I have a hard time taking feminism seriously.

 

 

Feminists like to make conversations like this a matter of sexual assault and rape.  I want to make it clear that I don’t think that sexual assault and rape has anything to do with clothing or lack thereof.  People that jump from a statement of dressing for respect to sexual violation are trying to silence opposing thoughts with emotional blackmail.